#3. Night of the Lepus + Devil = Devil Rabbit
What's Night of the Lepus? In an effort to control the rabbit population, science fucks up hard, as science always does in horror movies. The result is that, instead of killing off the rabbit population, the rabbits breed into supersized carnivores, because when science messes up, it's not like cancer is ever the result, or some kind of internal hemorrhaging, oh no -- it just causes gigantism and the desire to eat mankind. The rest of the movie is about fighting killer rabbits, despite the footage clearly being normal bunnies let loose on a tiny set. God, they're adorable.
What's Devil? M. Night Shyamalan's name was on this movie and people literally laughed when they heard that in theaters, it's a fact. Anyway, the movie takes place almost entirely in an elevator as those trapped inside and a detective outside try to piece together who the crazed killer on the elevator is as occupants die off one by one when the power goes out. Spoiler: One of them is the devil.
"Going to the eighth floor? What if I press the buttons for floors 1 through 7? Ha ha ha! Suck my devil dong!"
Devil Rabbit: I need you to be open-minded here because this is exactly how I'd pitch this to a Hollywood executive and, in fact, if you are a Hollywood executive, consider yourself pitched. OK, so imagine you're having a super busy day -- things are hectic, you have deals to make, your wife is cheating on you with the milkman, and your co-workers keep going on PCP benders, so everything is on you. You're capable, but this is trying your patience. You're on your way to an important meeting and ... the elevator stalls out. You're trapped in this beastly contraption that's packed too full of shady stereotypes -- a crazy old lady, a dickhead businessman, an intimidating black guy, a punk kid, a soccer mom, and a hot girl. No one knows what happened, but it's not getting fixed anytime soon. And then suddenly the power dies.
The lights flicker and you see a flash. Something white. Movement. There's a scream, and something warm splashes your face. In a panic you begin to wipe it away, and then the lights return. Your hand and face are smeared with blood. The soccer mom lays dead, mutilated in a pile of her own guts. And there, in the center of the elevator door, is one perfect rabbit paw print in blood. Oh shit, son, there's a Devil Rabbit on this elevator! NOOOOO!
Shyamalan Twist: You were the rabbit the whole time! Fuck!
#2. Pulse (2006) + Pulse (1988) = Pulse Squared
What's Pulse (2006)? Every asshole has a cellphone and a tablet and a laptop and a two-way Dick Tracy wristwatch these days, the result of which is that the air is full of Wi-Fis and signals and techno-evils and gigaflops and shit, right? That's what the guy who wrote this movie thought, anyway. The result of all that Googleram floating through the ether is that it gets the attention of these Wi-Fi ghosts from another dimension who show up and look spooky and then infect you with STD-grade ennui until you commit suicide or just go rotten like an old banana or whatever. It's hard to explain because I live in a world with logic and this one was written as though an ape clenched a pen in his ass and scooted across some paper.
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"I also wrote all the Paranormal Activity movies."
What's Pulse (1988)? Remember Joey Lawrence? Dude totally starred in this. Some evil phone company apparently installed small boxes of devilry on the power lines. The result is the titular Pulse, an evil force that exists in the power lines and infects houses one by one, controlling the appliances therein and killing the inhabitants with sinister electricity and a loose grasp of science.
Pulse Squared: In a terrible future, Sprint, Verizon, and AT&T merge to form one company that really just wants you to suffer for all time, pretty much ignoring phone service in favor of straight up nefarity. They begin installing small boxes in strategic locations that pump Wi-Fi demons into people's electronics, totally ruining so many games of The Simpsons: Tapped Out, you don't even know. Eventually the demons grow impatient with making microwaves explode and attempt to take over the bodies of the people they're haunting, only to be thwarted by the precocious cuteness of an actor you won't remember until someone writes a Cracked article about him 25 years later!
#1. The Wicker Man + C.H.U.D. = WickerC.H.U.D.
What's The Wicker Man? Shit.
What's C.H.U.D.? Probably the best movie ever about cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers.
WickerC.H.U.D.: Motorcycle cop Nicward Cagus seems to suck at his job, or maybe he's just abusing drugs, we can't tell and don't care. He gets a call from an ex who's not quite too hot to be totally unbelievable as his ex, yet still pushes the envelope a bit -- her child has gone missing on tranquil Chud Isle. Nicward to the rescue!
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"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
While the setting is pristine and peaceful, all is not as it seems on Chud Isle, for a dark secret looms under the surface. The locals treat outsider Nicward with disdain and, even more befuddling, a lot of them seem to get eaten. How'd they get cannibalized? HOW'D THEY GET CANNIBALIZED? HOW'DTHEYGETCANNIBALIZED?!? You'll get that joke if you saw The Wicker Man. If not, just go with it.
As Nicward's investigation into the missing girl intensifies, it becomes clear that the islanders are keeping a deep, dark secret. The secret being that the island is full of friggin' C.H.U.D.s. And, worse yet, Nicward has been tricked to come to the island as a sacrifice to the C.H.U.D. god! Shit!
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"Oh no, it's a C.H.U.D. Quickly, steal the Declaration of Independence in 60 seconds!"
Nicward naturally puts on a bear costume and dropkicks a lady stone-cold-killer style before the shit hits the fan and he gets fed to some cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. OH, NO! NOT THE C.H.U.D.s! NOT THE C.H.U.D.s! AAAAAHHHHH! OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH!
Fade to black.