I recently watched the movie The Conjuring and felt a pang deep in the cockles of my cocklepangs. While that movie was pretty awesome, it made me lament how many terrible horror movies you need to endure before a good one comes along. Why don't people make good horror films? What makes that genre so difficult to master? I assume it has something to do with gypsy curses and meth. But then, as I sat at home one night watching Tara Reid run away from a tornado full of sharks, I was struck by some profound inspiration about what it would take to elevate a typical bad horror movie to the level of awesomely unforgettable horror movie -- another bad movie.
Two wrongs typically don't make a right, but I'm fairly confident two bad horror movies can make one awesome horror movie. I wrote this whole thing to prove it, so I'm probably right. Shut up and send me money!
#6. Sharknado + Sharktopus = Sharktopusnado
What's Sharknado? Recently taking Syfy audiences by storm and getting so much press, they actually screened it in theaters, Sharknado stars Tara Reid and Ian Ziering, the fivehead who once got fourth billing on Beverly Hills, 90210, as victims of the worst weather front of all time, a tornado that's full of sharks. Don't you dare ask for a better or more logical explanation.
What's Sharktopus? Julia Roberts' villainous brother has genetically engineered a cross-bred octopus and shark because of course he did. Of course he did! The result is a shark with tentacles and, for some reason, spikes. Also endless awesomeness.
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"I once tried topus when I was a kid. Never again!"
Sharktopusnado: Twin evil scientists working in a sleepy beach town in Florida have decided that mankind sucks so much sack, it's time for them to die. However, sibling rivalry compels them to out-villain one another. While one brother develops a strain of mutant shark/octopus half-breeds, the other works on a terrible weather-controlling device. But when their bumbling assistant Igor gets drunk and brings a hooker back to the lab, shit gets real!
Drunken Igor knocks the weather-controlling device into the tank full of sharktopi. The sharktopi's genetically enhanced intellect merges with the technology and they become one. A furious storm erupts, destroying the lab and carrying the sharktopi in a twister out to sea where they gain in strength and maybe kill a boat full of super hot bikini girls. Oh no! Bikini girls!
"Tee hee! That's not a tentacle! Felix!"
The sharktopi, now with a taste for blood, form a massive sharktopusnado and make landfall, sweeping across Miami or Tampa or whatever seems like a good place to lay to waste with tentacle sharks. Can anyone save mankind from these weather-controlling sharktopi? Maybe Brooke Hogan! Maybe ...
Also, one of the scientists is Clint Howard, and the other is Bruce Campbell. I know they're not twins. Shut up.
#5. The Blair Witch Project + Buffy the Vampire Slayer = Buffy the Blair Witch Slayer
What's The Blair Witch Project? One of the trailblazers in the found-footage movement, a lot of people remember this as a good movie despite the exact opposite being true. This movie chronicled the 10 minutes of story and 90 or so minutes of aimless bullshit around three film students investigating a local legend -- the Blair Witch. Naturally everyone dies. Not because the witch kills them (we never see jack shit); they just die because the lack of script drove them all to insanity.
What's Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Keep in mind that this is not the TV show, this is the film starring Kristy Swanson, Rutger Hauer, Pee-Wee Herman, and Luke Perry. I think I'm just going to end this on Luke Perry.
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"My name is Feenix Corey Dakota Vampiros. I'm 16 and dangerous."
Buffy the Blair Witch Slayer: The film focuses on three teens, one of whom is played by Luke Perry, despite the fact that he has always been 40; one of whom is a stuck-up cheerleader who is the Chosen One, destined from birth to destroy evil witches; and one of whom is an asshole who will throw his map into the river and decide to head to Podunk Township to track down the legendary Blair Witch for a documentary film. Except Buffy's plan is to kill the witch, Luke Perry's plan is to have perfect hair, and the third kid obviously has to die. Gripping found-footage horror!
Things start out innocently enough as the crew interviews townsfolk about the local legend of the Blair Witch, who, at the turn of the century, used to torture kids in the woods by making them watch Pee-Wee's Playhouse totally sober. When the crew hits the woods, things get hairy, or we think they do (it's hard to tell, because it's filmed with all the grace and finesse of two Parkinson's patients fucking on a Tilt-a-Whirl). The only scene you'll remember is Luke Perry's mug right in the camera, crying and dripping snot.
#4. The Human Centipede + Maximum Overdrive = Maximum Centipede
What's The Human Centipede? Shlock shock horror movie that was made solely for the sensationalism of saying it was actually made about a legitimately off-putting German doctor who decides, for some reason, to kidnap and sew three people together ass to mouth because that would be somehow superior to a person who doesn't have an ass sewn to their face. The novelty of this movie ended with the idea of it.
What's Maximum Overdrive? Stephen King, chagrined with Hollywood's abuse of his stories, decided to direct his own movie to show how it should be done, creating the shittiest Stephen King movie to date. The resulting film stars Emilio Estevez and the voice of Lisa Simpson hiding out in a diner while all the machines in the world turn against mankind in ways that barely even try to make sense.
There's a scene where a push mower chases someone. Go watch it.
Maximum Centipede: Emilio Estevez plays himself, angry at the world for any number of obvious reasons. Don't you think Emilio Estevez has reasons to be mad? Did you see Freejack? Anyway, Estevez, using his knowledge of both science and the arcane, creates a vile magic-infused computer virus that spreads through Earth's satellite network and bestows a dark and sinister life upon all the technologies it touches. These machines, sentient and malevolent, begin to merge together, and for the sake of a good poster we'll say it's ass to mouth, even though machines don't have either, creating huge, kill-bot death machines of massive size that feed on human life energy to grow even stronger, adding the biomatter to their own technological bodies, thus producing actual mouths and asses eventually. So that could be pretty sick.
Careful: It looks like a woman's ass, but it may be a toaster in disguise!
Meanwhile, one everyman trucker at a diner not far from Podunk Township is accosted by an elderly wizard, Emilio's erstwhile teacher, who, with his dying breath, gives our hero the power to master machinery in his own unique way. The result is that our hero, who I guess should be Judd Nelson, merges ass to mouth with his own big rig truck, a massive 18-wheeler with a big ass Green Goblin face on the front for no reason whatsoever. Now, with his powers to control machines, he'll have to save mankind and destroy Emilio Estevez. Destroy him ass to mouth.