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6 Harry Potter Films According to Someone Who Never Saw Them

#4. Harry Potter and the Full Disclosure, I Started Drinking

[It is just really difficult for me to care about these movies.]

What We See in the Trailer

Everyone continues to not use "muggle" in a sentence even though it's a word I'm positive has something to do with this universe. Maybe it's a kind of hat, or "muggle" means "broom." Maybe the muggle was inside of them the whole time. Maybe who gives a shit?

This trailer's even darker and grittier than the last dark and gritty trailer. It opens with skulls and Dementors and lightning and rain.

There's a big sports dome and everyone's really excited about it.

There's a lot of talk about some kind of wizard sports tournament, except people might die in it, because there are dragons now. This is now the fourth movie where the possibility of dying was actually a legitimate part of the school's curriculum. Just seems like, if there are so few wizards in the world that they can all be contained to a single university, you might not want to murder them when they're all 12.

Like all Harry Potter trailers, this one ends with a rapid fire montage of air-chases, explosions, screams and me doing a shot of whatever I can find in my apartment.

What I Think It's About

Since Gary Oldman isn't around anymore, it's clear that he killed Harry's parents and has since paid the price, but that's sort of unrelated to this particular movie. For Harry Potter and the Next Harry Potter Movie, they decided to do something different. In the way that Community will occasionally do tribute episodes, this is Harry Potter's tribute to sports movies. They've flown in folks from all over the world to compete in a long tournament, and Team Hogwarts is the group of scrappy underdogs that all need to work together. It's the one time of the year when good wizards and Nazis set aside their differences and join forces to turn this team of misfits into champions! Gandalf II is their coach and Professor Alan Rickman is the grizzled, too-old-for-this-shit veteran (Tom Berenger in Major League II).

Harry also hits on an Asian chick, which I think is a neat direction for this franchise to take.

#5. Harry Potter and the They're Not Even Trying To Make These Accessible to People Who Haven't Read the Books Anymore

What We See in the Trailer

This trailer is just a series of wand points and explosions. There's some mild exposition dropped in -- Principal Gandalf II has a problem that only Harry can solve, which shouldn't really be all that compelling anymore since it was established in every single other movie. Ron is in love with some chick we don't know and the Girl One hits Harry with a newspaper (which is a silly weapon for a wizard to use). But after that, ghosts fly around, Professor Alan Rickman shoots stuff, Kid Nazi stares in the mirror to pump himself up to do something aggressively Nazi-esque, one imagines, somebody screams "HARRY" and BOOM, more explosions.

What I Think It's About

There's something [blank] happening at Hogwarts, and it's up to fucking Harry to save the day. This is quite possibly the scariest and most evil [blank] to ever threaten the school, but Harry will rise to the challenge and learn that, in the end, [blank blank blank]. Professor Alan Rickman and Nazi McBitchface will inexplicably continue to live. Explosions.

#6. Harry Potter and the It's the Last One! Hooray!

Last one, baby! One more trailer and I can watch the new one and feel like a normal member of society!

What We See in the Trailer

What are you? You a muggle? Are you what muggles are? OH SHIT HE'S SHOOTING LASERS AT HARRY!

OK, alright, good. Yes. And, hey, they brought that accounting monster back from the first one!

And now he's a driving monster! My understanding of the monster hierarchy is, at best, shaky, but I believe this is a step up.

And look at that, Ron and Girl One are all up on each other. Really blew it with that "Harry nails Girl One" prediction. Oh well. Next, several characters I've never seen before get badass close-ups, and I imagine they're all very important (or, alternatively, covered in muggles). The trailer ends with the typical explosion and "HARRY" scream montage, followed by a shot of Harry and that fella up top with no nose shooting magic wand bursts at each other.

What I Think It's About

Ron and Girl One are going to work through their bullshit and fall in love, and then someone will realize that their lead doesn't have a love interest, so Harry will start hooking up with some other chick, like a magic James Bond. That dude without a nose who is clearly the bad guy won't die, but neither will Harry. In fact, nothing with any kind of closure will happen at all. At the end of the day, this movie looks like an incredibly expensive trailer for the movie that's out today (Part 2). Two hours of just filler; just a bunch of magicians and monsters blowing shit up and shooting lasers at each other and chasing ghosts and oh my God why have I not watched these movies yet??


Daniel O'Brien is Cracked.com's Senior Writer (ladies), and also has the most muggles (lady-muggles).

For more of Dan's pop culture misunderstandings, check out My Brief Time as a Student at Hogwarts and If 'Twilight' Was About Dragons (And Contained More Fisting).

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