5 Famous Musicians Who Need To Retire

Apparently, the rock star equivalent of a midlife crisis is reliving your glory days of spandex, groupies, and sold-out world tours. As a music fan, it's sometimes hard to watch the musicians and bands you love turn into living, breathing examples of all the things Spinal Tap tried to warn them about.

But there comes a time when we fans have to be honest -- not only with ourselves, but also with the musicians who wrote the soundtracks to our lives. Sometimes, celebrities need a little tough love. Other times, they may need to be taken out behind the barn and shot, just to put them -- and us -- out of our shared misery. For example ...

#5. Van Halen

Frazer Harrison/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Van Halen recently announced a new tour that no one asked for. If their previous track record of getting the original lineup back together is any indication, then there's a good chance this will be as messy as a Real Housewives reunion.

The first time they got everyone's hopes up, including Dave's, was back in 1996. That lasted a few days before EVH shat all over the chances of them reuniting, in a released statement that was essentially the equivalent of telling your ex that last night's random booty call doesn't mean you guys are getting back together.

Brendon Thorne/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"It's not us, it's you."

In all fairness, Eddie was an expert-level alcoholic until about 10 minutes ago, so it's completely possible that he drunk dialed Dave and invited him to the MTV Awards, only to instantly regret it once his beer goggles wore off.

Frazer Harrison/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
He looks like this when they're on.

Granted, they had a pretty successful comeback as the (almost) original lineup (sans Michael Anthony) in 2012, but I'm a Van Halen purist. I think anything after 1984 isn't real Van Halen. And save it, Hagar fans. I don't give a shit about your difference of opinion. Everything on those albums sounds like 45-minute long Pepsi commercials, and you know it.

Diamond Dave isn't much better. I'm pretty sure that if he tried to pull one of those jumping splits like in the old days, he'd break a hip. But he's an EMT now, so at least he can fix himself when it happens. Actually, seeing that would totally be worth the price of a ticket.

#4. Motley Crue

Theo Wargo/NBC/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty

Seriously, these assholes have been playing a retirement tour for over a year now. They're like the Brett Favre of the music industry. Just clock out, already. At this rate, Mick Mars is going to completely turn to stone before this damn tour ever ends.

Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Shit, did it happen already?

Also, there's nothing very "motley" about a bunch of 50-something-year-olds who are sober (ish) and selling tickets on Groupon. I say sober-ish because word is Vince fell off the wagon again -- which, to be honest, I'm only shocked didn't happen sooner. The man was on Skating With The Stars, so can't say I fuckin' blame him for drinking.

Hail Satan!

Crue lost all their Crueiness after Dr. Feelgood. The real problem is that this whole band was supposed to have overdosed or be in jail by now. You can't be Motley Crue and live to be eligible for AARP benefits. Do some Behind The Music shit or call it a day. Those are the only two options at this point.

#3. Madonna

Mike Coppola/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Like Madonna, I too prefer early Madonna. The difference is that one of us is going crazy with the plastic surgery, trying to recapture the younger Madge, and the other one is just listening to their old CDs and watching Truth Or Dare once a year. In case you're curious, I assure you I don't have plastic surgery money.

Anyway, I love Madge. LOVE. But Madonna the "Queen of Reinvention" has become Queen of wearing grillz and trotting around in her old outfits like some demented washed-up starlet who's drunk on memories and has no one filtering her Instagram posts.

I wish Madonna drank, so we could at least blame any of her recent faux pas on being a boozy mess. All I know is that her recent shenanigans are making me miss the days when she was too busy pretending to be British and better than everyone else to give two fucks about anything.

I made the conscious decision that Madonna was done after Confessions On A Dance Floor.

I'm thinking that maybe I should have cc'd her on the memo, because since then, it's just been one bad album after another. Listen, you wanna bask in the glory of knowing that every poptart wannabe nowadays is really just biting off your early shit and failing miserably at living up to the legend of Madonna? I'm all for it. Instead, you're desperately trying to stay relevant by competing with a bunch of 20-year-olds who are knocking off your old look and sound by knocking off their look and sound. It's very confusing.

Also, it's kind of a risky road for Madonna to take to her inevitable retirement (probably 50 years from now). After all, it's not like she's a stranger to stealing from people.

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Cher Martinetti

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