6 Content Warnings We'd Actually Pay Attention To


Censors and content warnings focus almost entirely on sex and violence, which is cute since those are the two things all life needs to perpetuate. Working to get nudity taken off TV is the Special Olympics of morality. What we should really be worried about are shows that celebrate and reward horrible people. Stop concerning yourself with the glorification of violence and put a warning on every show that demonstrates how being an entitled attention whore can lead to a life of celebrity. That's what this rating will do.

I'm not one of those assholes who pictures all other humans as impressionable sheep. That's exactly the kind of mentality that leads to censorship, and I've never actually met anyone who mistook a TV show or movie for an instruction manual. However, I have met many, many people who tried to sell their dignity to be on a reality show. Shows like 16 and Pregnant aren't fascinating windows into the life of shitty people -- they're clear messages that poking a hole in a condom and calling MTV is a promising way to make a few thousand dollars and get your acting reel started. This new skull rating will let viewers of this kind of program know that what they're doing at this very moment is destroying lives.

America has a nine percent unemployment rate and yet hundreds if not thousands of people make a comfortable living being unrepentant dicks in front of cameras. In the course of one generation, the American Dream went from expecting a successful career to expecting free money for being a douchebag. Think about this, out of work school teachers: While you're at home updating your LinkedIn status, this nutbar has a job going from TV show to TV show talking about the lifesize dolls he bangs:


The holidays are approaching, and that's the time of year for sitting around the TV with our parents hiding from interaction. Suddenly, in the middle of an action-drama selected for its genericness, two of the characters will start screwing and everyone in the room will want to die. If you're really unlucky there will be foreplay and you'll end the night knowing for a fact that your grandmother knows what cunnilingus is.

The P rating isn't only to warn families about possible love scenes, though. It will also inform viewers that the show may contain insane things that only parents believe in like underage drug dens or God. You don't want to have to fight with your mother about whether or not sex bracelet parties are a real thing. How do you even win that argument? Tell her that only a paranoid child predator would fantasize about a global epidemic of high school orgies? Jesus, man, can't you get through one Thanksgiving without making your mother cry?


Not all of these new ratings are dedicated to helping you make moral or masturbatory decisions. The only purpose of the R rating is to judge you for what you're watching and insult your poor choices. We need to stop coddling our nation's stupid and let them know what they are. The R rating not only tells you you're dumb and now dumber for having watched a show, it will replace all safety disclaimers. Because if you're truly tempted to recreate something you saw on Tosh.0, we shouldn't stand in your way. We should encourage you. Liquifying your face against a parked car could easily end up being the greatest achievement of your life. What kind of monsters are we to take that opportunity away with sound advice?

Any decent lawyer will tell you that television owners are not responsible for anything they do. I say it's time to weaponize that against them. The R rating will let viewers know that we've given up on them and their ability to make decisions -- they're free to do everything they want. Yes, we'll end up with a huge number of awesome people impaled on our fences or smashed against our ice cream trucks, but that's the cost of progress.

Seanbaby is a treasured Internet hilarian from Seanbaby.com. Follow him on Twitter.

For more innovated problem solving see If Awesome Lunatics Ran Airlines and How to Fuck Like a Librarian.

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