We all know that there's a lot of weird shit on the Internet. It's one big community shower where everyone purposely drops the soap. Or, more accurately, where everyone inserts said soap into each others' anuses and then farts it at each other until someone dies from vomiting.
But perhaps some of the weirdest parts of the Internet are those that can't be easily described. Each one is just a dank swill of madness flecked with the grime of pointlessness. It's weirdness with no reason or direction or a meaning easily discernible by people not on the same fucked-up wavelength as the creators. And all that weirdness is elevated by the complete inability to understand what kind of person would create it and for what reasons and are those reasons sinister and did I just join Al-Qaeda by seeing this? Here, let me just show you ...
#6. VeryMan.expert: The Most Bonkers Character Creator Around
If you've ever wanted to create a contorted nightmare man with a massive pompadour standing in space holding a beer in one hand and a microphone in the other while wearing a leotard covered in crudely drawn dicks, VeryMan.expert is the Internet destination of your dreams -- and I'm guessing your dreams are what the rest of us refer to as "David Lynch movies."
In just a few short minutes you too can create your own jiggling freak. And the user interface couldn't be simpler. All you have to do is follow the easy-to-understand customization tab on the right side of the screen that includes such commands as whatever the hell this says:
Great. Now all I need to do is take night classes at my local community college
to understand what the hell I'm clicking.
The next section contains sliders that control attributes like "Human Pouch" and "Father's Chest" and "Butt Amount" -- all of which further rip apart your little man like he's soaring through the physics-shattering event horizon of a black hole only to come out on the other side as a play thing on some dude's browser between a tab about quilting and another tab with, just, so much porn on it.
The site doesn't serve any discernible purpose. There's just a digital man with arms to his knees wearing a pink jump suit with his nipples exposed, practically begging you to fuck his shit all sorts of up. And that's it. Someone made this, threw it on the Internet like a grenade, then leapt out of a building and plummeted to their death to escape the aftermath of their creation. Dr. Frankenstein created a monster, but he wasn't crazy enough to give us all the tools to create our own. But if he did, he would probably also give us a live stream of all the ghastly Very Mans other people have created.
Partying eases the pain of his existence.
If you know for certain why this is a thing, there's a good chance you've touched the void and slipped into the iridescent abyss of infinity before. Or you're super high.
#5. DullestBlog.com: The Most Boring Place On The Internet
I did some washing up this evening. I put some water into the bowl, but it was too hot. So I put a little bit of cold in. This brought the water to the correct temperature.
That is the first entry on the least interesting blog in the world, but it's not the blog's least interesting entry. It's hard to tell which entry wears that dishonorable crown. Every single one of the dozens of entries published between the blog's inception in 2003 and its final entry in 2013 are vying for the title of the most pointless, most boring thing anyone has ever put on the Internet.
Every post on the site is a bland, matter-of-fact sentence that dissipates from memory as soon as it's read. It might as well be a blank white space. The only difference between Dullest Blog and most of the sites on this list is it's purposely pointless.
Back in the early '00s, a cartoonist from Cookham, England, named Dave Walker took a look at the burgeoning blog scene and noticed that nearly all blogs at the time fell into one of two categories: either "highly interesting" or "something that's rather the opposite of that." He developed a fascination with the latter type, which turned into a call to action: He was going to make the least interesting blog the world has ever known. He called it DullestBlog.com and spent the next decade making sure everything published on it lived up to the ambitious mission.
Dave clearly failed that mission, because he somehow created blog posts so dull they loop back around to deeply fascinating.
#4. TimeGlider.com's "The Penis": An Overload Of Dick Slang
I don't know what to do with Time Glider. Not the whole site, mind you. The site as a whole is fine. It gives users the ability to create interactive timelines. So, if you're looking for a complete chronological history of the Wright brothers, here's one. Have a ball with that exciting bundle of information displayed in a thrillingly straight line. And much like a reflection of real life, I have no idea what to make of "The Penis" entry.
It's a timeline of, supposedly, every single slang term for a penis ever recorded, culled from a slang dictionary published in 2010. The lesson I've taken from this is that penis is to English speakers what snow is to an Eskimo -- we have way too many words for one thing.
Eskimos have no word for "penis." They just smile and everyone gets it.
Here, in no particular order, is a choice selection of penis words that, I guess, you can incorporate into your daily routine. Or you can be like me and just stare in slack-jawed awe, questioning reality like we're all in some sort of penis Matrix:
rule of three
basket of meat
staff of life
touch of the duke
gruesome and gory