6 Cartoon Characters Guys Secretly Find Sexy

#3. Arcee


Back in the day when the only Transformers you could watch was called Transformers and in no way involved computer animation or monkeys, there was one lady transformer, and that was Arcee. Wikipedia does have a massive list of female Transformers, and I'll be damned if I'd heard of any of them before. If we're stacking my memory against the nerd forces of Wikipedia, I'm sticking with my memory. Arcee was the only female Transformer, don't let anyone tell you different. Or, if they do, argue that robots are genderless anyway, and also completely fictional in this context, so what the hell are we talking about?

Arcee, being a lady, was pink. That's how you knew men from women back in the day. That and she had a wicked curvy ass on her. While all the rest of the transformers were made of right angles and pew pew pew, Arcee was pink, with blocky jugs and a sweet chrome heiney. You'd want to check her oil, is what I'm saying. Fill the tank with premium unleaded. Put your bike on the luggage rack. I think that last one makes sense if you say it with a lurid look on your face.

No boy should want to hump a machine, but my young mind was being warped by this show that presented Autobots to me as an amazing and powerful force of good in the universe. They were heroic and mighty and unstoppable. And one of them had a vaguely sexy voice, wore lipstick, and had a keister that made you want to bust out your impact hammer.

In retrospect, I can assume Arcee was made the way she was because of some kind of weird sexist ignorance on the artistic staff, but as a kid, you know, metal boobs.

#2. Cartman's Mom


This speaks volumes about my own psychological shortcomings, but I am what I am and I'm cool with that. If I were a flappy little construction-paper cutout living in South Park, I would bang Cartman's mom like a drum.

Cartman's mom is some kind of two-dimensional sexual dynamo, and she's clearly a dirty girl. I'm not ashamed to admit I like that in a woman. Sexual inexperience isn't a deal-breaker or anything, but when you meet a woman who's even more obscene than you are, and you're as obscene as me, well that's just swell.

I also feel that being attracted to Cartman's mom shows character. She's a single mom, a homemaker, and she's literally flat. This is pretty atypical when compared with our standard of beauty. Look at her next to She-Hulk. No rippling boobs or wank-worthy thighs, just a lady with a soothing voice who makes German porno sometimes. That's alright.

Some of you may protest on the grounds that Cartman's mom is also Cartman's dad, owing to her being a hermaphrodite. First, shame on you for being so closed-minded. We're talking about boning fictional characters here, let's not be obtuse. And second, it is eventually revealed that Cartman's mom is not actually his dad, as she banged the Denver Broncos and one of them fathered Cartman. This also indicates she's a sports fan, which is pretty cool. This lady has a lot going for her. And she bakes!

#1. Janice the Muppet


I like musicians, so maybe this whole entry is biased. But for real, Janice the Muppet is one sweet piece of felt ass, albeit one with a dude's hand in it already. As part of the band Electric Mayhem, she's obviously a cool chick, probably down with partying, 420, that sort of thing. But she also wears short skirts, has some big lips, and plays lead guitar. She plays lead guitar! Everyone wants to bang the person who plays lead guitar. The guy who plays lead guitar in every hideous, ass-faced band in rock 'n' roll history still somehow wrung some sex appeal out of that instrument. Even bass players get laid. Look at all the women who have, allegedly intentionally, boned Gene Simmons, even though he looks like a bag of smashed assholes in a pube helmet.

Without getting too vulgar, Janice's mouth also looks like it was designed for some sort of specific purpose or other. In real life it'd be offensive to suggest this about a lady and her lips -- after all, who is she to change her genetics? You have the lips you're born with. But Janice wasn't born, she was manufactured, and they manufactured that Muppet with some big ol' lips. I'm just saying, maybe she gives a decent Muppet blowie. I guarantee I'm not the only person who's thought about this. For instance, the guy who designed her lips probably thought this. Was it Jim Henson? I don't know, but just because the man designed beloved puppets for a living doesn't mean he didn't go home at night to have a glass of Scotch and some crazy puppet sex.

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Felix Clay

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