The rise of the Internet has hit the "house of ill repute" industry pretty hard, and it's a shame to think that ZZ Top may soon be left with nothing to write about except for the occasional ditty about RedTube and Spankwire. But there are a few sex-centric establishments across the world that are refusing to go down quietly (unless that's your preference), opting instead to be more creative in their business models. We've talked about a few of them before. But even though the basic product is still the same (roof, prostitutes, wet-naps, shame), there's apparently still room for some forward-thinking innovation, as demonstrated by ...
#6. The Alien Cathouse
Dennis Hof has made quite a name for himself in the indoor flesh trade. The famed prostitution entrepreneur/creepy dude extraordinaire is the owner of several legal brothels in Nevada, and he even landed himself an HBO series called Cathouse. He's quite the bigwig in the business of boners, and he used his influence to endorse Ron Paul for president in 2012. He has also announced that he will be publicly backing Hillary Clinton in 2016.
I sincerely hope that last part wasn't a euphemism.
But it's been hard times for hard-ons recently, so a few years back Hof decided to boost sagging profits with a bold new expansion. First, he purchased a rundown property 90 miles north of Las Vegas, which he described as "a disgusting, terrible" place that's windowless. In other words, perfect. As a bonus, it also just so happens to be in relatively close proximity to the mother of all UFO conspiracy sites, Area 51 (or, as Hof calls it, "Area 69"). Now, a location like that is just bursting with potential, so naturally Hof's next step was to transform the building into a brothel with a rather unique theme: extraterrestrial fucking.
Finally, some illegal immigrants that Donald Trump doesn't mind so much.
Calling his low-brow sci-fi creation the Alien Cathouse, Hof pulled out all the stops -- buying tacky decor, costumes, body paint, and I would suppose at least one warehouse full of glow-in-the-dark rubbers. He then cemented the prestige of the establishment by hiring noted bukkake impresario Heidi Fleiss to help with the design. Consequently, there are rooms with different themes, such as "Atlantis" and "Alien Abduction." And, in case you were wondering, of goddamn course there's a "probing room."
Finally, a place to live out all our Alf-Hostel crossover fantasies.
Surprisingly, Hof's brainchild is apparently the "first uniquely themed brothel in Nevada," according to NevadaBrothels.net. Sure, a place where you can wallow in a sea of Kentucky runaways dressed as slave-Leias is a pretty novel concept, but are you telling me no "sporting" house in the entire history of Las Vegas has ever had a theme? Someone better tell the furries about this before they embarrass themselves by making reservations for their next convention at the Bunny Ranch.
Or maybe lock them all together in a room with Danny Bonaduce for a month to create
the greatest reality show of all time.
#5. Sex On Wheels
Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
Have you ever been strolling around a city and, after assessing the wide array of mobile concession trucks around, felt like you could go for something more than just a hot dog, healthy salad, or halal wrap? Like, say, a side order of blowjob? Well, to no one's surprise, the French have been capitalizing on the idea of mobilizing hookers for a while now. But the concept appears to be catching on elsewhere, as demonstrated by the U.K.'s Passion Wagon, which, according to the Daily Star, offers a full menu of "spanking, domination, and threesomes in lay-bys, car parks, campsites, and anywhere else they can park their sex-den-on-wheels."
Dario Lo Presti/iStock/Getty Images
"Hmm, $150 seems like a lot of money for a 'wet burrito.'"
This operation was put into motion by two English prostitutes in an attempt to stay a step ahead of the police, some of whom have vowed to put a stop to their journeys up and down the Western coast. Their business proved highly successful, according to reports, among "lorry drivers" and "desperate punters" (both British slang for lesser royalty, I believe), but a simultaneously outraged elderly population threatened to make the venture a precarious one. Addressing public concern, a member of the duo responded with, "This is the oldest profession in the whole world. People should just get over it," adding, "If prostitution was legalized, we wouldn't need to go freelance."
Besides, a merger with the pipefitters union just makes sense.
And, in Austria, you can place a call to Erotik Taxi, which will send you a stretch limousine for, as the proprietor describes it, "a thrilling alternative to sex at home or in a hotel." Or, should you happen to be in Germany and in the mood for some freewheelin' congress with a professional poonanny merchant, there's also the Love-Mobil, owned by brothel owner Lady Jane. You might have to wait awhile for that service to get up and running again, though, seeing as how they recently had a small problem concerning their van catching fire due to unknown causes.
Central European News
That hose you're seeing is actually acting as a vacuum.
The phenomenon has even made it across the pond, as an annoying person might say, with a variation on the theme showing up in the third-world, vermin-infested swamp known as Miami. When presumably 5 o'clock shadow-wearing undercover detectives noticed a suspicious-looking stretch-limo bus (after paying a $40 boarding fee to "investigate") they discovered a beautifully appointed interior replete with a stocked bar, rich leather upholstery, and several women in g-strings offering to perform $100 sex acts.
No wonder grandpa won't shut up about Florida Medicaid benefits.
All parties involved were arrested, with the ringleader claiming it was all a big mistake and that the girls were just part of a "bikini boxing" promotion. But no mention was made of what became of that sweet, sweet ride, described by Newsweek as a shiny, black "custom conversion on a tractor-trailer frame." It's doubtful that it would be of much use as a SWAT vehicle (except for maybe during their Christmas parties), so maybe the local authorities put it up for auction? If that's the case, then it just goes to show that government auctions are a great way for the budget-minded consumer to pick up a great-looking car for cheap. Just so long as you watch out for those pesky, occasional rotting corpses in the trunk.
No fewer than four crime-scene techs were permanently blinded after
the subsequent ultraviolet sperm scan.
#4. A "Disabled-Only" Brothel
Becky Adams is a former British madam who gained a degree of notoriety after writing a book called Madam -- Prostitutes, Punters, And Puppets, which details her life as a professional, tea-sipping prostitute wrangler. In the course of research, I discovered that said book won a Golden Flying Penis award and that the name of the stuffed animal on the cover was Spanky Monkey. It was at this point I felt it best to discontinue further scrutiny.
Becky Adams / Linda Dunscombe
You'd have sad, dead eyes too if your teeth were forcibly removed
for fellatio-related purposes.
After enjoying prior successes as a sex-toy purveyor, founder of a topless car wash called Scrubbers, and as one of the most respected vagina-rental brokers in the realm, Adams takes no small amount of pride in her chosen profession. She stated publicly that she'd rather her daughter become a prostitute than a banker, because "at least prostitution is an honest profession." But after decades in the hump-for-hire industry, she decided to turn her attention in a more philanthropic direction -- establishing an escort service specifically for the handicapped.
Presumably, there's a special surcharge for those prone to grand mal seizures.
For the record, gonorrhea is not a disability.
The basic idea here is that Adams' new business, Para-Doxies, is a nonprofit, privately funded operation that helps people with disabilities (or their caregivers) connect with sex workers. Some of the women actually offer to provide their services for free (which basically makes this no different than your average Tinder scenario, just with a slightly greater chance of pimp-slapping). Now, while all this certainly seems like a neighborly thing to do, naturally there are critics. Women's rights groups have claimed that it's nothing more than "soft focus street walking," and some handicapped people also feel that an enterprise like this even further "others" them from society:
"Tarts with hearts." I didn't make that up.
So there are worthwhile arguments for and against the idea of helping the disabled pay for pro-level coitus. But at least Adams' motivations seem sincere, and really, if you can't trust a middle-aged prostitute, who can you trust? Let's just hope this story doesn't pop up again in a few years and we come to find out it was all an elaborate scam to get free skateboard ramps installed on her house, just to keep her gaggle of illegitimate grandchildren out of her hair.