6 Bizarre Ways to Stop Yourself From Masturbating

#3. Get a Dog

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You can tell this is a totally legit website because of the clock and green cross on it, which are traditional signs of reliability or leprechaun health care schedules. I suspect this is just another site like the one that recommended raisins, but it doesn't matter. What does matter is they, too, care about your penchant for pop locking Jason Statham.

Our friends at the clinic fear for our sexual survival and offer 10 tips to stem the wang-jangling tides. While chastising yourself with a rubber band or going for a jog are novel ideas, their most noteworthy recommendation is that get yourself a new friend. Specifically, a pet. A pet will love you unconditionally and will never shrink in terror from the compulsively masturbating crotch troll you've become, shunning the light and leaving a trail of crusty socks in your wake. That dog will just dodge and weave your onslaught until he's close enough to sit at your side and be your pal, and maybe then, when you see that warm, loving look in his eye, you'll return Sergeant Splatter to the barracks and take your dog for a walk. Look at you, cured from your masturbation addiction. Good boy! Who's a good boy? You are! Yes, you are!

#2. Pee

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This tip comes to us from a blog that I suspect is written by a certified asshole. Like, literally, he may have a piece of paper at home issued by a governing body that indicates he has met all the requirements to be a stunning asshole. If I need to qualify this, I will do so by directing you to the sentence in which he advises you to train your wife or girlfriend to give you wake-up blowies without a hint of irony.

Anyway, Don Juan Douchemarco stumbled upon the wisdom of not wanking at some point and has been reaping all manner of benefits. What kind of benefits? Increased energy, focus, and attractiveness. It's true, he links to an even stupider blog about alpha and beta male behavior to prove this. See, women can smell pheromone signals from a man with more testosterone, and a chronic masturbator has less testosterone because Bill Nye the Science Guy apparently thinks testosterone and spooge are the same thing. But never mind faulty science, it's not what we're here for. We're here for faulty wank advice. And this guy's advice is to piss it away. Literally.

If you find your mind drifting to thoughts of Kate Upton on a pogo stick (or for you ladies, me on a pogo stick), run to the can and tinkle away your temptations. If you're outside you're probably OK to do it the hobo way and pee in an alley, but that presupposes you were about to rub one out at Wal-Mart or some such, which is a whole different ball of crazy.

Once you pee, your wiener will deflate like that last party balloon after none of your friends showed up to celebrate your birthday. Ladies, no advice for you on this one, but it's probably because this guy doesn't know his ass from a bottle of Mr. Pibb, so his insight into lady folk is limited to what he's seen on the Internet and from the window of the place where he buys his roofies.

#1. Become a Better Human

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Of course there's a Wikihow on how to stop masturbating because why wouldn't there be. Now that we're at the final entry of this article, doesn't it make you a little sad that there's clearly a decent enough population of people Googling "how to stop masturbating" that there are dozens and dozens of articles on the subject? That's the world we're in, people. A world in which people are at home, one hand clenched like a vulture's claw at their groins, all carpal tunnelly and pruney with spittle, desperately typing away trying to find a way to end the madness.

Wikihow offers you numerous solutions to your random jack attacks, including such things as "do pushups until you're exhausted," "volunteer your time," "eat healthy," and "take up a creative past time like music or art." Basically Wikihow wants you to unhand yourself and become a better thing than that which you already are, which sounds awesome at first and even kind of a good idea. Until I try to ruin it in the next paragraph.

Now I'm not saying this is always the case, but what if all those good people out in the world -- the artists, the volunteers, the healthy joggers, the out and about people who always have something going on - are just compulsive masturbators in denial? These people want desperately to be at home giving their goodies a wicked drubbing, but instead they're distracting themselves at soup kitchens and gyms and poetry slams. The people we're meant to look up to are really just like the rest of us, only lying to themselves in a sad yet arguably less sticky way.

You think about this the next time you shake hands with someone who's always on the go. See how firm their grip is. See if they have that crazed look in their eye. They want it, man. They want it bad.

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Felix Clay

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