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Everyone loves food, except for breatharians, who are lying sacks of garbage. You can't live on air! You crazy! But aside from those nutters, the rest of us enjoy sitting down for a nice johnnycake or some gherkins. Mmm, that's filling.
You'd figure, of all our myriad freedoms, the freedom to eat would be one that almost goes without saying, one you take for granted, because who could possibly give a happy horseshit what you cram into your maw? Turns out all kinds of people care. Just look at Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who, after being touched by Dr. Pepper as a child, went on a soft drink rampage to prevent everyone in New York from ever drinking them again. And it doesn't end there! It goes on! In this article!
#6. Olestra Poops
Olestra was set to be a miracle food when it appeared in the 1990s, a fat-free substance that could take the place of real fat in snacks foods, thus allowing you to eat like some manner of Hutt while never growing to vast Porkins proportions. The FDA approved olestra in 1996 because it seemed pretty much super safe for humans.
Among the super-safe side effects of olestra was a five-fold increase in diarrhea compared to people eating natural fats. During one eight-week study, subjects who ate 32 grams of Olestra per day, the amount you'd get in 3 ounces of chips, were running an even gamble on the squirts -- a full half of participants ended up with diarrhea.
Olestra's big side effect in terms of sex appeal was anal leakage and staining of the underwear. Thanks to greasy, hard-to-wipe fecal matter (I didn't even choose those words, that's like a scientific observation), eating olestra could lead to back door streakage. Plus it had the potential for leakage of greasy ass resin out of the ol' sphincter. It's a pretty unwholesome package when you put it all together, and it basically suggests that olestra, while fat- and calorie-free, was going to make you shit yourself one way or another. No fat goes in, something is definitely coming out.
Canada ending up banning olestra, as did several European countries, thanks to Proctor & Gamble not being able to prove that it was particularly safe. This, accompanied by the widespread news that eating it would make you drop an oily horror in your trousers, pretty much killed the product completely, although you can still hunt it down if you're in the mood for a well-lubricated snack food experience.
#5. Christian Samosas
Samosas are a pretty delicious food popular in Asia and Africa that's basically a fried pastry with either vegetables or meat and spices inside. Think of a Hot Pocket minus the shame. Generally they're folded in such a way as to be triangular, because eating pointy things is where it's at.
Since you can get samosas with nothing but veggies, and you can bake them if you'd prefer that to fried, and they're often homemade and contain pretty good ingredients, it's hard to think there'd be any reasonable grounds to ban them at all and, of course, you'd be right. This is about as reasonable as pooping in someone's mail box.
In Somalia, a militant Islamist group called al-Shabaab, which loosely translates to "the fucktarded," banned the sale, production, or consumption of samosas because of the shape. Triangles, you see, are three-sided. What else is three-sided? Nope, not a penis, it's the Holy Trinity! Samosas are therefore terrifyingly Christian and not to be trifled with. And it stands to reason that if you're trying to be all shithouse rat crazy with your outlandish interpretations of religion, then God knows you can't abide a pastry all jammed to its triumvirate gills with Jesus and crew. You take a bite, get some chicken, some potato, some cumin, and then a big, fatty Holy Spirit stuck in your teeth. The next thing you know, you're thinking the pope makes a lot of sense and Christmas trees are lovely. Who needs that shit?
Reports came out after the story broke that the group really banned the samosas because of a health risk associated with bad meat being used. Of course they could have just banned the use of bad meat instead of one particular type of food that may or may not have contained it, but what the hell do I know?
#4. Unfrench Ketchup
The French are known for a lot of things -- fries, toast, kissing, and also being intolerant assholes. No offense, French friends, but you guys have a bad rep in the world. And this story isn't going to make it any better. Because "If you can't be a pompous asshole, you're doing something wrong" seems to be the motivation for a lot of stories that come out of France, the French decided to enact a ban on ketchup in public schools -- children would no longer be able to enjoy the sauce at lunch time. No more of the old Red Nectar, as no one calls it. The Heinz spigot was shut off.
Health concerns have nothing to do with the ketchup ban and, arguably, ketchup is a lot less harmful than most things you could eat. The true reason for the ban was to preserve Frenchness. In covering food in ketchup, kids weren't experiencing the true wonder of French cuisine. Ketchup masks the taste of food, and kids would be losing out on this hallowed, revered, and much-loved classic French cafeteria staple that we all know so well.
Imagine the cultural impact of a generation of children growing up unable to fully appreciate fromage a la cardboard or pomme du poubelle. It's kind of terrifying when you think about it. Just think of what you lost in your own childhood, eating corn dogs and denying yourself the experience of a pure, unadulterated microwaved wiener on a stick, the way our ancestors enjoyed them at feasts.