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6 Awesome Things I'm Not Cool Enough To Own

All my life, there have been certain things I've wanted but never owned. It hasn't been due to expense or illegality (with the exception of that one mail-order sex robot I saw). Instead, I felt that I just wasn't cool enough to use these things. Often, they belonged to some other time. It was no longer something that everyone had, so owning it now just felt like an act of trying too hard. I couldn't pull it off without feeling self-conscious.

Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
No, not things like this. I can pull off leather chaps easy.

Now, that might sound like a lack of self-esteem, but it's really not, because in truth I think most people aren't cool enough to own these things. They belong to another period, another spirit, and if you disrespect that and drag them kicking and screaming into your time and place, you won't be fooling anyone.

#6. Fedora

Man oh man. I have always wanted to wear a fedora. And why wouldn't I? When I think fedora, I think Indiana Jones. I think Mad Men. I think a man at a bar with a whiskey and a cigarette.


Note, that even in a graphic for my video series, I couldn't actually put my face in it.

The longing for the elegance and masculinity of the fedora is real, but the realization of wearing one in the 21st century as being the act of poseur is even stronger. That's why even in my novel, where the protagonist shares my name, I could hardly bear to let him wear a fedora. First, I made it his grandfather's, and then I had his best friend call him a "hipster douchebag" the rest of the book for doing it.

The problem is, while I want to wear a fedora, I don't want to be the dude standing out in a fedora. I have no intention of the world saying, "Hey, check out the dude in a fedora!" It's more wanting to be part of a time when you could wear one without anyone caring.

Who Can Get Away With It?

Jon Hamm while he's in character and on the set of Mad Men. No one else. Sorry Hipsters. You suck.

#5. Flask

Ah, the flask. Y'know the kind I mean, right? A real one like this:

Ablestock.com/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
OMG, I want to be drunk right now.

The reason I've never bought a flask is I don't know how to use one. Sure I could buy one. Hell, I could buy a whole bunch and keep them on a shelf like a quaint little alcoholic version of a Hummel collection. But why would you do that?

www.icollector.com
These are not good to drink out of.

No, when I say I want a flask, that means I want to wake up every morning, fill it with whiskey, put it inside my jacket pocket, and take a pull whenever I damn well please. But there's a word for people who do that: alcoholic. The world does not let you surreptitiously carry liquor and then publicly consume it.

So, yeah, I know people who bought flasks, and they have them, and maybe sometimes they go to a picnic or feel like getting drunk in a movie theater. So they bring the flask. But I don't see the point of that. I pack the bottle for the picnic, and I haven't snuck booze into a movie theater since, well, I guess I never did that. Here's the deal: I want to live in the world, get some bad news, and then reach for my flask and say something like, "Looks like I'm going to need this," and take my pull. And if I can't do that (and I can't, because that would be the sign of a serious drinking problem) then I don't want the flask.

Of course, a flask is another thing from this list that I gave to my character in Notes from the Internet Apocalypse, but that was sort of the point. Not that he was cool enough to do it, but because he did have a serious drinking problem. so many problems.

Who Can Get Away With It?

Eccentric millionaires or the unemployed. No one with a boss or a business to run.

#4. Fingerless Gloves

Not every burning purchasing desire of mine is born of a need to look like the lead in some black-and-white noir thriller. For example, I really like fingerless gloves. They look really cool.

Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty Images
Um, not in this context. Getty Images, you have failed me.

That pic is ridiculous. You would never want fingerless gloves in the snow. That's stupid. If you wore fingerless gloves in the snow, you'd get frostbite and lose your fingers and then those gloves would fit perfectly. Fingerless gloves are good for when it's cold but not that cold and you need use of your fingertips to do something: count money and/or smoke. That's about it. I guess, though, they're good for one more thing according to Getty Images. Whatever this is:

PhotoObjects.net/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Is this porn? And why did it come up during a search for "fingerless gloves"?

Actually, the 21st century has given us one more reason for fingerless gloves: touch screens. But now they make those fancy gloves with bio-sensors in the fingertips, which are actually less douchey to own than fingerless gloves.

Who Can Get Away With It?

Carnies, who have a job that requires they stand outside in the cold and still collect money and tickets.

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Gladstone

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