6 Animals Clearly Disguised as Candy (A Drunk Column)

#3. Milk Frog


Yes! Look at this awesome gun*! Man, that's about the width of my cellphone*. It's called the DoubleTap*, which makes it sound like I could intentionally hit the same target twice if I used it. Oh, and they made it using aerospace technology*! I could shoot astronauts with this gun if I had to, like if they were breaking into my space colony or whatever.

Heizer Firearms
Pew pew!

I guess price-wise it's sort of an expensive purchase for a hypothetical life-or-death fish-selecting scenario that may never happen. $500 is the base price*, but I'd probably want to upgrade to the ported titanium model* and maybe find one that has power everything and an XM radio or something. That's still a lot cheaper than a chocolate aquarium, so I guess it's really all about context.

OK, so this frog. It's clearly one of those mystery chews that oozes out different flavors of gooey corn syrup when you bite into it, right? This one looks like it's probably blue raspberry, which is a notoriously bad artificial flavor. I can safely say that I would not eat this frog.

Drink Count: Like a vampire, but he's trying to earn some extra money as a bartender. The Drink Count. The theme song would be all about him moving into a new apartment in the big city and how he's kind of scared he won't make friends.

#2. Sea Slug

Stephen Childs

To be fair, this animal only looks vaguely like candy and exactly like it belongs in a line of fimo beads* on a hemp necklace in the '90s. In fact, I'm pretty sure that sea slug is a dragon I drew in fifth grade and then buried in a time capsule.

" Eat my shorts!" would have unquestionably been the caption.

Apparently some species of sea slug can steal the plastids* from the algae they eat and use them to photosynthesize, which means they can survive on nothing but sunlight*. Also, now that I read more about it, I'm realizing the DoubleTap is really more of a girl's gun. Some people at a gun show kept calling it a derringer*, which is famously a lady's weapon.

But maybe if I got it, my gun could help break down gender stereotypes. Maybe me owning this gun is exactly what society needs. I could be at the forefront of a movement. Yes, in fact, I promise that heteronormalcy is the first thing I will kill with it, and I won't even have to fire a shot (I'm not confident I could hit it anyway).

So long stereotypes, hello me owning a fucking gun!

Drink Count: >40, I bet.

#1. California Red-Sided Garter Snake*

Patrick Ch.Apfeld

Change of plans. I think "animals that look like '90s jewelry" is a way better premise, so here's a snake that looks like a boondoggle. You're welcome. I don't know anything about it and, full disclosure, I want to stop drinking.

The same way some people can put together a rifle blindfolded, most children could build a boondoggle.
You can tell because of the color choices.

The California red-sided garter lives in California most likely, and there are probably upwards of 70 of them there. They are cold-blooded and poisonous(?) because they're brightly colored, and generally that's how nature works. They eat bugs and rodents that are smaller than them, or maybe bigger, or maybe just leaves. I'm also pretty sure I made a key chain that looks exactly like one of these snakes at camp 20 years ago, but I don't want to call my mom to check because I don't want her to hear me like this. I will, however, make a note to myself to remind her that I could braid when I was 10 and that I'm buying a weapon to dismantle the patriarchy that has plagued this country since our foreFATHERS (ugh) signed the Declaration of Independence 70 years ago or whatever. Or because of fish, I can't totally remember.

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