Everyone loves a good "vs." movie because you don't have to think hard to get your brain around the plot. You can be drunk and suffering substantial blood loss and you'll still be reasonably sure about how the movie will end. Godzilla vs. Mothra, Freddy vs. Jason, D Cup Debbie vs. The Dildonic Duo ... they're all classics. But there are plenty of other versus films we've never had a chance to see, and that's sad.
I will now take this opportunity, before any panties get bunched, to tell you that this is not an article about movies that were almost made. This isn't Pinhead vs. Ash. If you want to know about those movies, take your cafe mocha and vodka and a copy of Variety and go masturbate in a gloomy fashion while talking to your despised agent on a Bluetooth headset. This here is highbrow speculation. This is art. This is me making culture more cultured. Like right now, if culture wears Adidas and eats at Chili's, when I'm done it will wear shoes from Florsheim and eat at that Wolfgang Puck place in the airport. They have seats there!
#6. Jareth the Goblin King vs. Gorkil the Goblin King
Reprising his epic codpieced role from Labyrinth, a 66-year-old David Bowie returns as Jareth the Goblin King. After losing his kingdom thanks to a bunch of shitty Muppets and a pre-hot- boobs and pre-pre-losing-those-boobs Jennifer Connelly, Jareth has traveled beyond the Labyrinth, a small misfit band of loyal goblins at his heels, as he attempts to rebuild the empire he lost, and maybe get revenge on that asshole Hoggle, who was also probably a compulsive masturbator. Like if any Muppet had an issue with masturbation, it would probably be Hoggle, right? Him or Gonzo.
In a far-off land, Jareth and his crew run afoul of a band of something or other. What are there a lot of in Muppet lands? Sentient chickens? Fizzgigs? Something like that. So they take cover in a cave. But the cave leads into a series of passages through a mountain that take them to a massive city of goblins.
The goblins attack, but Jareth's powers sway them, and he easily bends them to his will. Until he's brought before their leader, the flabtastic Gorkil, whose powers equal those of Jareth. The two are able to command and counter-command the goblins, with the exception of Jareth's loyal Muppets, who seem immune to Gorkil's will (because they're Muppets and you need to be like Jason Segel or Jack Black or whatever if you want to boss them around, not some tubby bitch in a cave town).
Eventually Jareth bids a skillful retreat, sensing an opportunity to gain a massive army and kingdom for himself, and in doing so discovers that his purloined goblin troops turn to stone in sunlight. And while he loses some of his forces, he gains valuable insight and begins to form a plan. A plan that will presumably require the boobs of Jennifer Connelly to pull off. As all plans should.
#5. Terminator vs. Rambo
A 65-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to the role that made him famous that isn't Conan, while a 66-year-old Sylvester Stallone once again puts on the headband of his iconic solo warrior, as two worlds collide in a way that literally could not hope to make sense. But don't worry, it doesn't need to!
Skynet, being a supercomputer, doesn't actually spend all day every day trying to kill Christnickward Balnortstahl. It's a sentient program that exists in all kinds of machines -- it can probably process a billion thoughts a second. So while it's sending machines back in time and totally cheating at FreeCell, it also has other targets it needs to eliminate, and chief among them is John Rambo.
After determining that Rambo seems to be incapable of dying or properly aging, instead suffering from a curious sort of vascular swelling that increases with age, Skynet has targeted him for destruction. The threat he poses is too damn high, and in the future, as little more than a bundle of bulgy veins held tight beneath jerky-like flesh and armed with multiple firearms, he is the closest thing to a biological Skynet in existence.
In order to preserve itself, Skynet once again sends a T-800 back in time to the Laotian jungle where Rambo just kind of hangs out and whittles and shit. Maybe he eats dumplings in a surly way.
But no one can take John Rambo by surprise because, like the web of a spider, Rambo's effulgent system of veins and arteries is set a-quiver at the slightest jostle in the jungle. Soon the battle is joined as man and machine square off and destroy acres of pristine jungle, as well as the homes and lives of lots of people who aren't white and aren't given identities.
There's probably a subplot with a girl, because that seems to be popular, but she'll die by the end and make Rambo more morose and vascular as a result. One of his veins will shudder in her honor.
#4. Star Wars vs. Aliens
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a finger-vagina-butt with a tail latched onto Yoda's brother's face and impregnated his chest cavity with a ravenous xenomorph embryo. The resulting spawn was a short green bitey thing that had piss-poor grammar and ravaged the entire planet.
Yoda and scant few others of his species escaped the planet but vowed to return and save their world from the alien scourge. Of course, when you are under 3 feet tall and barely have elbows, this is easier said than done. Skills need to be honed. Badass skills. Jedi skills. Maybe even skillz.
Now, totally in CG, with no actors, animatronics, real locations, or soul, Master Yoda returns to the world of his birth to kick some acid-dribbling ass. This issue has never been addressed in previous Aliens films, but it's a good bet that, at least some of the time, aliens poop acid.
With only a light saber and inconsistent speech patterns, Yoda must work his way in semi-gory fashion through an excessive amount of alien drones before finding the queen, just like in every Alien movie except the first one. You may be thinking Alien 3, but remember, Ripley had a queen inside of her. And it's possible there was no queen in Aliens vs. Predator 2, but of course no one even saw that movie, so no one can say either way. Please don't take this opportunity to note in the comments that you did see the movie, because it will just out you as a liar.