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Everyone loves a good "vs." movie because you don't have to think hard to get your brain around the plot. You can be drunk and suffering substantial blood loss and you'll still be reasonably sure about how the movie will end. Godzilla vs. Mothra, Freddy vs. Jason, D Cup Debbie vs. The Dildonic Duo ... they're all classics. But there are plenty of other versus films we've never had a chance to see, and that's sad.

I will now take this opportunity, before any panties get bunched, to tell you that this is not an article about movies that were almost made. This isn't Pinhead vs. Ash. If you want to know about those movies, take your cafe mocha and vodka and a copy of Variety and go masturbate in a gloomy fashion while talking to your despised agent on a Bluetooth headset. This here is highbrow speculation. This is art. This is me making culture more cultured. Like right now, if culture wears Adidas and eats at Chili's, when I'm done it will wear shoes from Florsheim and eat at that Wolfgang Puck place in the airport. They have seats there!

Jareth the Goblin King vs. Gorkil the Goblin King

Reprising his epic codpieced role from Labyrinth, a 66-year-old David Bowie returns as Jareth the Goblin King. After losing his kingdom thanks to a bunch of shitty Muppets and a pre-hot-boobs and pre-pre-losing-those-boobs Jennifer Connelly, Jareth has traveled beyond the Labyrinth, a small misfit band of loyal goblins at his heels, as he attempts to rebuild the empire he lost, and maybe get revenge on that asshole Hoggle, who was also probably a compulsive masturbator. Like if any Muppet had an issue with masturbation, it would probably be Hoggle, right? Him or Gonzo.

In a far-off land, Jareth and his crew run afoul of a band of something or other. What are there a lot of in Muppet lands? Sentient chickens? Fizzgigs? Something like that. So they take cover in a cave. But the cave leads into a series of passages through a mountain that take them to a massive city of goblins.

The goblins attack, but Jareth's powers sway them, and he easily bends them to his will. Until he's brought before their leader, the flabtastic Gorkil, whose powers equal those of Jareth. The two are able to command and counter-command the goblins, with the exception of Jareth's loyal Muppets, who seem immune to Gorkil's will (because they're Muppets and you need to be like Jason Segel or Jack Black or whatever if you want to boss them around, not some tubby bitch in a cave town).

Eventually Jareth bids a skillful retreat, sensing an opportunity to gain a massive army and kingdom for himself, and in doing so discovers that his purloined goblin troops turn to stone in sunlight. And while he loses some of his forces, he gains valuable insight and begins to form a plan. A plan that will presumably require the boobs of Jennifer Connelly to pull off. As all plans should.

Terminator vs. Rambo

A 65-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to the role that made him famous that isn't Conan, while a 66-year-old Sylvester Stallone once again puts on the headband of his iconic solo warrior, as two worlds collide in a way that literally could not hope to make sense. But don't worry, it doesn't need to!

Skynet, being a supercomputer, doesn't actually spend all day every day trying to kill Christnickward Balnortstahl. It's a sentient program that exists in all kinds of machines -- it can probably process a billion thoughts a second. So while it's sending machines back in time and totally cheating at FreeCell, it also has other targets it needs to eliminate, and chief among them is John Rambo.

After determining that Rambo seems to be incapable of dying or properly aging, instead suffering from a curious sort of vascular swelling that increases with age, Skynet has targeted him for destruction. The threat he poses is too damn high, and in the future, as little more than a bundle of bulgy veins held tight beneath jerky-like flesh and armed with multiple firearms, he is the closest thing to a biological Skynet in existence.

In order to preserve itself, Skynet once again sends a T-800 back in time to the Laotian jungle where Rambo just kind of hangs out and whittles and shit. Maybe he eats dumplings in a surly way.

But no one can take John Rambo by surprise because, like the web of a spider, Rambo's effulgent system of veins and arteries is set a-quiver at the slightest jostle in the jungle. Soon the battle is joined as man and machine square off and destroy acres of pristine jungle, as well as the homes and lives of lots of people who aren't white and aren't given identities.

There's probably a subplot with a girl, because that seems to be popular, but she'll die by the end and make Rambo more morose and vascular as a result. One of his veins will shudder in her honor.

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Star Wars vs. Aliens

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a finger-vagina-butt with a tail latched onto Yoda's brother's face and impregnated his chest cavity with a ravenous xenomorph embryo. The resulting spawn was a short green bitey thing that had piss-poor grammar and ravaged the entire planet.

Yoda and scant few others of his species escaped the planet but vowed to return and save their world from the alien scourge. Of course, when you are under 3 feet tall and barely have elbows, this is easier said than done. Skills need to be honed. Badass skills. Jedi skills. Maybe even skillz.

Now, totally in CG, with no actors, animatronics, real locations, or soul, Master Yoda returns to the world of his birth to kick some acid-dribbling ass. This issue has never been addressed in previous Aliens films, but it's a good bet that, at least some of the time, aliens poop acid.

With only a light saber and inconsistent speech patterns, Yoda must work his way in semi-gory fashion through an excessive amount of alien drones before finding the queen, just like in every Alien movie except the first one. You may be thinking Alien 3, but remember, Ripley had a queen inside of her. And it's possible there was no queen in Aliens vs. Predator 2, but of course no one even saw that movie, so no one can say either way. Please don't take this opportunity to note in the comments that you did see the movie, because it will just out you as a liar.

Inglourious Basterds vs. the Warriors

From Quentin Tarantino. From the worst costume designer in history. From Germany all the way to the dystopian future of late 1970s New York City.

After defeating Hitler and halting the German war machine, the Basterds return home for a well-earned rest. Even the blown-up ones, let's say. They got shot out a window or whatever. Shut up. But all is not peaceful stateside any longer as, with no fear of Nazis or Christoph Waltz, society has fallen into ruin. Ruin and 30 years in the future. So this one is harder to reconcile than the previous ones, I guess. Or maybe the Basterds are just 30 years older and have to come out of retirement. Yeah, let's do that.

So after living as heroes for 30 years, the Basterds join forces again to clean up the gang-ruled streets of New York on the night that Cyrus, leader of the Gramercy Riffs, is murdered. Mostly this is an excuse to watch the Bear Jew take the bat from the hands of a Baseball Fury and beat the ever-loving shit out of him.

As the Warriors attempt to escape the gangs that are out for their blood, the Basterds are on their trail as well, assuming they're the baddest gang in town. And determining the baddest gang in The Warriors is no easy task, since each one is more foolish-looking than the next. Except for the Riffs, because they're all black guys, so you know they're tough.

Things come to a head on Coney Island as the Warriors, the Basterds, and the evil Rogues meet up and we discover the true leader of the Rogues, the scarred and furious Hans Landa. Didn't see that shit coming, did you? Let's say Brad Pitt kills him this time, but not before he says, "Basterds, come out and pla-ay" in that cool accent.

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Wolverine vs. Batman

It is a question as old as time, if you started measuring time sometime in the '80s. Who would win in a fight, Batman or Wolverine? Two of the most beloved antihero characters from different universes finally have their day as Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale go head to head in a movie that is not The Prestige.

The Dark Knight, master detective, martial artist, and billionaire, with an endless supply of gadgets at his disposal, versus the rogue mutant possessed of indestructible adamantium claws and skeleton, a mutant healing factor, and enhanced, bestial senses. Don't worry about the fact that they're both technically good guys, because in comics everyone hates everyone all the time.

On the trail of Omega Red, Wolverine makes his way to Gotham City, which looks like a bit of a depressing Manhattan but of course isn't. Omega Red and the Russian mob have some manner of mob-like plan afoot in Gotham, because mobsters do that kind of thing, in an effort to bring down Sal Maroni and take control of organized crime in the city. This absolutely sounds like a plausible storyline.

The presence of Omega Red draws the attention of Batman, who closes in to fight the mutant as he destroys one of Marconi's operations. Wolverine leaps into the fray and the fight becomes a three-way melee, with Batman kind of getting his ass handed to him since, let's be honest, everyone that Batman fights is generally a normal human and Omega Red is a superpowered being who can throw cars and shit. I mean, come on.

Batman returns to the Batcave, probably needs a few days' rest with Alfred bringing him soup, and then regroups, realizing he'll have to swallow his pride and seek out Wolverine if he wants to defeat Red and the Russians. In the grand tradition of most comic book matchups, they end up on the same team, because clearly, if they just fought each other, 50 percent of fans would be pissed off. Oh, and they win in the end. Yay!

Ghostbusters vs. Paranormal Activity

There's something strange in this damn house. For like the fifth time. It's the exact same strange thing that happened all the previous times. It's so goddamn boring and repetitive. Does anyone care? Because you need to stop caring. Stop caring or these awful movies will never go away. Only one thing can save it. The Ghostbusters.

Whoever the hell the people from those other Paranormal Activity movies were are back, if they're alive, and some asshole keeps opening and closing doors on them. It's a real pain in the ass, as you can imagine. Of course, by this point, we're pretty sure it's the forces of evil, because that's what happens at the end of every movie, I think. How do they keep making sequels to this shitburger?

When the pots and pans rattling and doors letting in drafts becomes too much to bear, Peter Venkman and crew are called in to investigate. Venkman thinks it's a simple case of some fly-by-night slimer, but Egon and Ray aren't convinced -- this is clearly a free-floating full-body vacuous sack of douche apparition. But the truth is more than any of them realize as they begin their investigation and determine that it's a fourth century B.C. Mesopotamian demigod known as the Plot Contriver, once worshiped by cults of insipid and uninspired but greedy screenwriters and drunken teenagers.

It's the toughest battle yet for Peter and the guys, and maybe more than four men carrying unlicensed nuclear accelerators on their backs can handle. Except for it's guaranteed to end the exact same way the rest of the movies did, so they just set up a ghost trap in front of the camera in the bedroom and wait for the dumbass demon to run into it.

Cue awesome Ray Parker Jr. song.

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