6 Ad Campaigns That Prove Humanity Is Doomed

"The Ice Cream for Terrible Children"

It's not hard to sell ice cream. We're a very, very fat country. The biggest concern for a chain like Dairy Queen is the increasing problem of customers ravenously biting the fingers of the person handing out the Blizzards through the drive through window before they can let go of the cup. So all you need as far as an ad campaign is something along the lines of, "Yes, there's still probably a Dairy Queen in your town, and we still have the ice cream. Remember not to eat the huge ice cream cone we have out front. It's made of plastic."

But apparently even ice cream doesn't sell without the promise of douchebaggery. I call this first ad, "Child Whore" because I want to see that Google search traffic show up here. An eight-year-old girl gives a flirty look to an eight-year-old boy, and he buys her some ice cream like a bar drunk looking for a quick bathroom handjob. Unfortunately, I'm not exaggerating.

The mother starts to order two "fudge brownie temptations" (which by the way is almost certainly another porn search term) but the little girl stops her and says, "Mom, just make it one." When they get to the table, the mother comments pleasantly that she's surprised her daughter wanted to share. The gold digger in training says, "Actually, I don't." And right then, a Dairy Queen employee brings the girl a sundae, saying it was from the boy, who gives her a "let's get some people arrested" look. It ends with her telling her mother, "It's like shooting fish in a barrel."

"Also, I'm pregnant. But it was totally worth the free chocolate, if you know what I mean."

Ha! You know what women are like, right guys? Now let's go get some ice cream.

The lesson is a little less clear in "Asshole Dad Raises Asshole Baby." (Note: Also do a Google Image search for "Asshole Baby" with safe search off, let me know what you get.):

It starts off with a dickhead carrying around his kid in one of those baby slings that straps across the chest, comfortably holding your child and suppressing the screams of the suffocating man trapped inside your chest. Since that isn't bad enough, then he eats a Blizzard right in front of his face -- eye level. When the kid tries to grab it, the dad pulls it away, telling him "This is not for babies." What? It's ice cream. It doesn't get any more for babies than that, you soulless shit stain.

This is how dictators are made.

So the baby, in response, accesses his genetics and retaliates in the only way that this type of father could teach: He kicks him in the nuts and then headbutts him. This commercial panders so much to assholes that I'm sure if it were 30 seconds longer, we'd see the dad taking full on man-swings at his defenseless infant while screaming, "This is the world, motherfucker! This is the world!"

One frog splash from the top rope and that kid is over.

Actually, I do get the message of that one. Eat our product or a baby will crush your nuts.

"The Fun Snack for Petty Acts of Meanness"

These ads are a special kind of dickheadery in that they appeal to 1) people who like to be insufferable for no reason, and 2) people who like to exact passive-aggressive revenge against others.

Take Rachel for instance. Rachel walks up and says, "Hi," and the other woman calls her "Ray-ch." Rachel corrects her. Now, understand that the only thing this woman is guilty of is having an annoying voice. She's perfectly justified in wanting to be called by her actual name, but it's the other person we're supposed to be rooting for. Try to ignore the annoying voice and watch for yourself.

She then does what any mother would: She talks up her kid. She's proud of him because he's learning goddamn Mandarin Chinese, one of the most difficult languages in the world. But our main character, being a complete package of asshole, gives her a hug and purposely wipes Cheetos dust on her nice white shirt.

"This is how we say 'I'm happy for you' in Hell."

Seriously, those of you who are about to buy some Cheetos in the next week, do you long to be six-years old again and smear food on people who don't make you happy? Have you considered going to a counselor or something? I mean, under normal circumstances this site makes a pretty bold defense of emotional immaturity, but are you really sitting around saying, "Goddamn, if I could only be a toddler again."

But this next one ups the stakes in the "using Cheetos to ruin clothes" campaign (and again, what a powerful selling point that is). It starts with Felicia Day having to pick her laundry off of the floor because she left her clothes in a finished washer while other people were waiting for them to free up. So woman No. 2 takes them out, dropping some on the floor. When Felicia comes back and sees what happened, the woman says in a really shitty tone, "You know, other people are trying to do their laundry, too."

She also wiped her ass on those shirts, but we don't see that part.

Felicia then looks over to see the Cheetos mascot, who tells her, "Felicia ... you know those are her whites in the drier." She smiles, opens the door, and puts a fistful of Cheetos in with the whites. Then closes the door and hits the start button.

Goddamn you, Cheetos. What have you done to my Felicia Day?

"This Beer Will Let You Impress Horrible Women"

Once more we have an ad campaign that features a well-known fictional archetype: the nasty, dismissive, sarcastic bitch, talking down to someone who she considers to not be cool enough to inhabit her planet. And once more, what used to be the automatic villain of any story is here treated as the hero.

We're talking about the bartender:

In that one, a guy's only crime is bad fashion sense -- he wears "skinny jeans." When he orders a beer, the bartender blatantly makes fun of him even though 1) he's a goddamned customer and she's in a customer service position and 2) her entire living hangs on her tips ... which she's sure to not receive after flat-out being a bitch for no reason whatsoever.

When the guy orders, she asks, "More taste or less taste?" He says he doesn't care, and she responds, "Kind of like your girlfriend doesn't care that you're borrowing her pants?"

He's a customer, you angsty crotch.

I'm trying to picture the board meeting here. "Guys, remember that bartender we ran into last weekend who told me I had a 'stupid hat' and that I should shoot myself in the face for even considering putting it on? I can't think of a better face for the company than someone with that kind of honesty."

And they don't stop there. They do the same thing with a guy who likes clothes with dragons on them. There's another where she berates a guy for singing a song he likes on karaoke.

How dare you sing on our karaoke machine that we set up for you to sing on.

That's right, fellas; if you drink this brand of beer, you'll win the heart of this horrible, horrible woman. And some day you can have her shrieking petty insults in your ear 24 hours a day. Because you hate yourself, and everyone else hates you, and drinking is your only escape. Now, back to the game!

For more on terrible advertising, check out 8 TV Ads That Hate Women. And get more from John in The 5 Most Implausible Old School Rap Songs.

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