#3. Yogurt Parties
Do you feel like you've been here before? I don't mean here on Cracked. I mean here on Cracked reading a columnist's gripes about yogurt commercials. If this situation seems familiar to you, it's because Soren Bowie brought this very topic up about a year ago. But if you never believe a single thing I say again, please believe the following: 1. This isn't the first time I've stolen from Soren Bowie. Like I explained to him, my 3 p.m. liquor run isn't just going to make itself. Don't leave your keys on your desk if you don't want me taking your car. 2. Dannon would still have you believe that women all across the nation are gathering together in joyous celebration of acidophilus and regular bowel movements. On those grounds, I think we're good to proceed. Now, let's talk about yogurt parties. For reasons beyond my understanding, Dannon has disabled embedding for the commercial in question. So, in lieu of watching the video, please enjoy this brief synopsis instead:
And where is this unsavory conversation taking place? At the saddest, most disgusting Christmas party ever, apparently.
I can't imagine what else you would need me to say at this point. Except, of course, to say that there's no way this conversation has ever taken place at a party, unless that party was happening inside of a nightmare.
#2. Light Beer as the Ultimate Test of Manliness
It's time to get brutally honest here, fellas. At some point in your life, whether you like it or not, you're going to have to prove to your friends that you are, indeed, a man. If you're lucky, it will just be a matter of defending your family and property from an armed intruder or fighting a mountain lion to the death, lest it forcefully remove the life from your body. I say you will be lucky if it comes to that because the alternative, apparently, is to drink a Miller Lite. Let's cut to a commercial: Again, if your crazy lifestyle does not permit you to spend 30 seconds watching a video, allow me to summarize the message being sent in the above commercial with one sentence: Quit being a pussy and drink a Miller Lite. For my part, I think this would be the far more harrowing test of manliness because, well, Miller Lite tastes like water that's somehow managed to rot. It's like the curdled skim milk of beer. But that's just my opinion, and it's probably not the angle the company is shooting for. Why Miller Lite actually believes their swill is capable of making a man out of you is anyone's guess. Do they think only a real man can handle the intense alcohol burn that comes with nursing a light beer? Or maybe there's some reverse psychology at work, like drinking light beer is such a pussy move that you should do it in public, all while hoping someone has the balls to give you shit for it so you have a reason to slice them with a box cutter. You know, kind of like when that rapper named Cam just up and decided to start wearing pink fur coats.
Either that, or Miller Lite legitimately believes there is something manly about drinking light beer out of a stupid "vortex bottle." And there is, but only if you break the empty bottle on the edge of a table and use it to stab your way out of a bar fight. But until I see that Miller Lite commercial, I'm calling bullshit on the "light beer makes you a man" argument.
#1. Gourmet Chefs Working in Fast Food Kitchens
So here's a pickle that you're sure to never find yourself in: You want a gourmet meal prepared by an actual chef who uses expensive utensils and smacks his employees in the back of the head whenever they act up, just like on the TV. But, uh oh, you only have 99 cents in your irresponsible, barely employed pocket! Whatever will you do? If you did not immediately answer "Go to Taco Bell!" just now, I understand. Nobody would say such a stupid thing, right? Let's go to the video: Now, I don't want to just keep beating on Taco Bell here, but I have to, because this is the most absurd premise for a television commercial ever. If you didn't watch the video, just know that Taco Bell would like you to think that their disgusting 99-cent flatbread chicken sandwich was lovingly handcrafted in a gourmet kitchen by an actual chef.
While lesser chefs look on in amazement, no less.
Have you eaten at Taco Bell? Or more importantly, have the people who made this commercial ever eaten at Taco Bell? If any person has ever dined at Taco Bell and came away from the experience feeling like they just beat the man by getting four-star-restaurant-quality food at sub dollar store prices, that person was probably raised by wolves. Even if they did call in an army of Bobby Flay types to oversee the intricate preparation that's apparently required to put chicken and cheese on a piece of flatbread, nobody is going to actually walk into a Taco Bell and order it. Why? Because ...
Listen, if this kind of prep work were really taking place in the seedy back kitchens of the nation's fast food restaurants, the type II diabetes industry would grind to a screeching halt, because nobody would have time to wait for these fancy dishes to be prepared. People bring a lot of things to fast food restaurants, patience is not one of those things. Just hearing that the fish sandwich they ordered will take four minutes to cook sends the average consumer into a convulsive fit. But we're supposed to believe that customers are waiting patiently while Taco Bell "chefs" are back there hand-dicing chicken with $500 titanium blade knives and cooking with blowtorches?
It would take a team of city planners just to deal with the miles-long drive-thru lines snaking their way through the community if this were really what went into preparing a delicious fast food dinner. But despite all of the obvious deception and other shenanigans at work here, there is one scene in this commercial that rings absolutely true with me. This one, specifically ...
Unless my vision is failing me, that flatbread is very clearly soaking wet. Ideally, it's just soaked with water. Realistically, it's probably soaked with semen. Whatever the case, I accept with 100 percent certainty that this is exactly what you should expect if you're eating at Taco Bell. When he's not busy being a columnist and editor for Cracked, Adam eats a lot of soup. You should be his friend on Facebook and Twitter.
Check out more from Adam in The 5 Most Ill-Advised Dating Sites on the Web and The Awful Truth Behind 5 Items Probably On Your Grocery List.