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5 Innocent Words That Need to Be Banned from English: Part 2

#2. Ointment

I hate what saying this word does to a person's face. You have to scrunch up your nose, like you're smelling something bad, and the "oi" sound makes everyone sound like they're whining. Saying ointment just presents a much weaker version of You.

What it is:

At best, an ointment is a cream that you rub on parts of yourself to make them feel better and, at worst, "a homogeneous, viscous, semi-solid preparation, most commonly a greasy, thick oil with a high viscosity, that is intended for external application to the skin or mucous membranes."

"Mucous" sure is getting a whole lot of play today.

Use it in an Awful Sentence:

"As you can see, the patient's enflamed scrotum is pulsating irregularly; the best treatment is this viscous ointment that, oddly enough, I acquired by milking another one of my patients. Funny story, actually..."

What it Actually Calls to Mind:

Some kind of horrible growth, in my imagination. Like a giant wart, but angrier. A huge, throbbing goiter that grows out of your neck and ruins your good time. "What's that? Oh, that's just my ointment, it becomes engorged whenever I'm nervous. Please don't touch it, it shoots a lot of fairly pungent puss when it gets manipulated in anyway."

#1. Rural

There's something about saying this word out loud that makes the speaker sound embarrassed. It's just the way your mouth has to work in order to say it, it's part-word and part-frog-impression. Your tongue has very little to do until the end, because most of the pronunciation of this word is handled by your lips, inner cheeks and...I guess, like, neck fat? Like you have to slightly tuck your chin in and vibrate and wobble your neck fat to properly say the word "rural." And the dual R's are just generally hard to handle, so everyone sounds unsure when they say it. It's a confidence dampener.

What it is:

Unlike most of the words on this list, this isn't a case where the definition is just as uncomfortable as phonetic design of the word; rural is completely tame. If something is rural, it just means that it's more country than city. Clean air, open fields, serenity, cows. That stuff.

Use it in an Awful Sentence:

"Can you please rub some ointment on the rural area of my body? I refer to my genitals as the rural area, because they're wild and overgrown, and full of bugs and stuff. And I would like you to rub ointment on it, with your hands."

What it Actually Calls to Mind:

If there was an animal that, when faced with danger, roared and then immediately shit itself and then trailed off and cut its own roar short out of embarrassment, "rural" would be the onomatopoetic way we'd represent the sound. Dogs woof, cats meow, and poop-badgers rural.

Daniel O'Brien is Cracked.com's Senior Writer (ladies), and the above picture is half of why "poop" is in his search history, (HR).

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