5 YouTube Music Videos That Suck the Fun Out of Sex

#2. "If Its True" -- R..A..E..D

At first blush, "If Its True" seems like it's deliberately insulting every one of your senses at once. This video goes wrong in every direction right from the start; production value, premise, editing and lyrics all fight over which one gets to be the shittiest part. Still, I'm asking you to look past all of that for now and really concentrate on R..A..E..D's ham-fisted mishandling of sex, because it's really spectacular.

Now, if you managed to get through more than three minutes of R..A..E..D's panicked mumbling, then congratulations, you got to see a healthy dose of real women stripping in what they probably hoped would be a legitimate music video. Even all of our collective sympathy could never outweigh the embarrassment these girls surely felt when the camera started rolling and a sweaty R..A..E..D turned his hat sideways before launching into his five-and-a-half-minute asthma attack. You can even see the humiliation plastered on their faces as they crawl around and swing on poles. They are doing everything within their power to somehow strip this mess into a better song, and it's just not working. In a single music video, R..A..E..D inadvertently attaches more shame to sex than any religion ever could. He steamrolls over any subtlety, any playful eroticism, and ends up sounding like a flustered kid talking to himself while working up the courage to ask a girl to literally spread her legs.

Crowning Moment in Sexual Misery:

"Muhfee crum pah mess IS IT TRUUUUUE?"

At 2:18, the camera angle shifts between the stripper's legs, and it's the first time the woman and R..A..E..D are in the same shot. Before this moment, we could have assumed that these poor strippers didn't know they were part of a train wreck, but at this moment it had to be crystal clear for them. She had to see him sing. A grown woman had to stand there with a camera between her legs as this nightmare unfolded right in front of her. A nightmare with which she would forever be affiliated and which she was helpless to stop.

#1. "Grippin That Daddy" -- BrookerT

"Grippin That Daddy," from start to finish, feels like a reading comprehension test for robots on human sexuality. All the right elements are present -- temptation, passion, jealousy, pregnancy, lust -- but they're all thrown together like a meal in a blender. It is the clumsiest and most confused approach to seduction I've ever seen in a music video. Speaking of which, fair warning, if the prospect of penis mutilation by way of fabric scissors sounds unappealing to you, don't watch the very end.

While sex as a concept is certainly present, everything feels slightly off about it: The man gets pregnant, he's assaulted by his girlfriend/wife when he tells her and BrookerT grows increasingly more jealous and insecure throughout the song, all while rapping about what a sensational lay she is. Every aspect of the plot contradicts the lyrics of the song, plus BrookerT's relentless insistence that she's "tight" starts to feel suspiciously like a trap by the third verse. I wouldn't be surprised if in the last scene of the video, her wig fell slightly askew, revealing that she's actually some kind of male milking contraption designed to gather human sperm for fuel on behalf of the machines.

Crowning Moment in Sexual Misery:

After running out of similes for her snare-like vagina (vaginoose -- you're welcome, BrookerT), she spends the last few seconds of the video chasing her pregnant boyfriend around with scissors, then knocks him down and cuts off his genitals. BrookerT earned the No. 1 spot on this list because I don't feel any shame in saying that she terrifies me. I'm not even sure it's possible to intentionally misrepresent human sexuality as thoroughly as she has here.

"Trust me, I'm really a lot of fun."

You can follow Soren on Twitter or allow him to seduce you on Tumblr.

For more ways Soren will turn you off from sex forever, check out My Sexual Encounter with Ke$ha: A Tale of Horror and The 8 Most Misguided Attempts at 'Sexy' Videos on YouTube.

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Soren Bowie

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