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Did you guys know Finding Nemo was a period piece? It wasn't meant that way, but the whole reef ecosystem it re-creates in such vibrant color is dead. A few isolated pockets might be able to survive here and there, but scientists already consider the global reef system beyond saving.
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After taking this picture, everything was churned into $4 worth of Long John Silver's.
In addition to making any Finding Nemo sequel depressingly similar to The Land Before Time, this means disaster for the reality TV industry: Future generations will look at our crab fishing and deep-sea hauling shows in utter bafflement, while they stay the hell away from the jellyfish filled hellpit that are the oceans they know. Callum Roberts, a professor at York University, predicts that the seas of 2050 will supply only half the fish protein needed by the hungry mouths of the world.
On the upside (if you're a jellyfish fetishist, as I assume all my readers are), jellyfish populations are exploding worldwide. Jellyfish blooms, which look like this ...
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And feel like taking a needle enema.
... have increased in both size and frequency in recent years. In addition to being Mother Nature's way of making your brain shit its pants, these blooms are a sign that oxygen levels in the ocean have gotten so low that only murderous blobs of gelatinous death can thrive. So when the next generation's David Attenborough takes to the sea with a camera, we may have to settle for agonized shrieks in place of soothing British narration.
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The good news: Hydraulic fracturing actually frees up a shitload of natural gas. More than enough to make "war over oil" even less necessary than it already was.
Finally, we can go back to fighting wars over meaningful things, like hat style.
The bad news: Fracking destroys our freshwater supplies faster than a coked-up screenwriter goes through tissues. Fracking is one of the two most significant causes of the water shortage in the U.S., and since the other cause is tar sand oil extractions, we really are trapped in a "one or the other" situation. There's simply no other way for the vast majority of our oil wells to stay productive.
Meaning the wars of the future will be fought over water, rather than oil.
And hey, from an entertainment standpoint that doesn't sound half bad. Until you think back to Hollywood's last attempts to render water-based strife: James Bond's Quantum of Solace and, Poseidon help us, Waterworld.
If we don't stop fracking now, this might get a reboot.
The clock is really ticking on this one, guys. The U.S. State Department expects the world need for fresh water to exceed the supply by 40 percent in 2030. We've got only a few short years to perfect the weaponized Jet Ski before it's too late.
Robert Evans has weaponized all sorts of things, and you can find more from him here. He'd like to bring your attention to a farm full of awesome people fighting rampaging bandits because they could really use your help.