5 Women From History Who Were Basically Magic At Sex

A few months ago I introduced you to half a dozen people who should be famous simply for all the boning they did. Many of you noticed something weird about the six Casanovas: They were all men (also, they didn't actually include Casanova, because he was on an even more previous list).

Obviously, women have been just as slutty as the greatest man-whores in history. But stories about dudes getting laid all the time are usually boasts, while those about women who had sex all day and night tend to be the tragic ones that win Anne Hathaway an Oscar.

But it isn't always about quantity. So here are some historical women whose creative sexual resumes stand up to any man's.

#5. The Countess Of Castiglione Was So Good In Bed She United A Country

Jeremy Maude/Photodisc/Getty Images

Virginia Oldoini was born to minor nobles in Tuscany in 1837. When she was 17, they married her off to a guy 12 years older than her. But a year later her cousin decided that it would be a lot more convenient to his career and country if Virginia was available to have sex with someone else. Namely, Napoleon III.

See, at that time, what we now call Italy was a bunch of smaller countries, and Virginia's cousin was part of the group that wanted them to unify. He took one look at his hot, young, close relative and realized the best plan was to get her to cheat on her husband with Napoleon and hope some political pillow talk could turn the tide. Because 19th-century Europe was apparently an alternate-universe Game Of Thrones, complete with a short guy and creepy family relationships.

Medioimages/Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
This is where they used to keep the dragons.

Virginia managed to become the emperor's mistress for over a year, and shortly after it ended he sent troops to unite the peninsula. Historians disagree about how influential she was in making that happen, since various battles and treaties and intrigues were going on at the same time, but she gave herself basically all the credit and was pissed off that everyone else didn't as well.

Even if the countess was a lot less influential with her pudenda than she would like to think, men still found her enjoyable to be around and were willing to pay for the pleasure. She continued to cheat on her husband and made a nice living from it. Eventually, word got around to the unbelievably rich but famously stingy Lord Hertford, and he offered the countess the original indecent proposal: 1 million francs for one night with her.

wikipedia.org
No one calls you a hooker when you look like this.

There was one catch: She had to do anything he wanted. She agreed, and legend has it that she couldn't sit down for three days. The two also avoided each other after that, supposedly out of "mutual respect."

#4. Peggy Guggenheim Combined Art And Sex

guggenheim.org

You might have visited one of the various Guggenheim Museums around the world, but what the guidebook won't tell you is that one of the patrons had a crazy sex life.

Peggy married twice and had two children, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. When once asked how many husbands she'd had, she replied, "Do you mean mine, or other people's?" Most biographies put the estimate around 1,000 lovers over her lifetime. Her own autobiography was called Memoirs Of An Art Lover, and yet she didn't manage to mention anything about art until page 110 of a 200-page book, mostly because she had so much to say about men and sex.

peggyguggenheim.artgallery.wa.gov.au
"Drop the painting, then drop your pants."

She was especially a fan of getting down with famous people, including most of the modern artists she discovered and the playwright Samuel Beckett. When she couldn't get men into her bed by seduction, she would try to use her money. Even as she got older she still wanted to get laid by the hottest guys; well into her 70s she was hitting on men in their 20s.

japagirl.com.br
Hopefully she kicked the dogs off the bed first.

Unfortunately for Peggy, she wasn't as pretty as the paintings she collected. Jackson Pollock said you would have to put a towel over her head to fuck her, but he was no Ed Harris himself, so screw his opinion. She did, however, have a very large "potato-shaped" nose, and commentators have attributed low self-esteem about her looks as well as losing her father at a young age (he was on the Titanic) as reasons she spread herself around so much. Because apparently women only want lots of sex if they are messed up in the head.

#3. Queen Nzinga Had A Harem Of Men She Forced To Fight To The Death For Her

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Nzinga Of Ndongo And Matamba was born in what is now Angola in 1583. She spent the rest of her life kicking ass and having sex.

By the time her father died in 1618, the Portuguese were slave-trading their way all over Africa. Nzinga's brother took over as leader, but he immediately gave the invaders everything they wanted. When the Portuguese started ripping people from their homes and sending them to be worked to death in Brazil, the Mbundu tribe turned to Nzinga to save them. So she did what a kickass lady needed to do: She had her brother killed and took over. Then she started fighting back. This was insane, since Portugal was one of the world's biggest powers, but she led her armies in guerrilla warfare and held them off for 40 years.


Probably thanks to her epic no-fucks-given stare.

With all this fighting, she must not have had much time to meet guys. She got around this problem by having a giant harem. Yes, women can have hundreds of men that they keep enslaved for sexual purposes. In the past, I mean. Don't go into my basement. She may also have had a fetish going on, because she made all of them dress as women.

Legend has it that she managed to combine her two favorite things. It's tough to pick which hot guy you are going to have sex with each night, so she found a foolproof option: Two of the men would fight to the death, and whoever won would get to sleep with her. Then the next morning he would be killed as well. No pressure performing under those circumstances.

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"That? It's nothing. Let's do this."

But at some point age catches up with all of us. At 75 years old, Nzinga decided she didn't need the harem anymore and disbanded it, but she made an honest man out of one of her youngest sex slaves. She lived another seven years, presumably a cougar until the end.

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Kathy Benjamin

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