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WARNING: The following article contains very explicit language meant for an adult audience. I do not recommend reading this at work, school, libraries, or any place where someone could be looking over your shoulder. In fact, I suggest only reading this in your bedroom with the door locked, under your covers, hidden deep within the comforting embrace of darkness.

That being said, what the hell is up with modern fuck sites? Remember a time when you could type in the perversion that you wanted to see, hit enter, and then see perverted perverts doing that perverted perversion? Maybe it makes me sound old to say that I miss those days, but modern porn sites have gotten flat-out weird. For instance ...

5
People Keep Spitting On Each Other's Filth

Roger Weber/Photodisc/Getty Images

Several years ago, I was watching a standard "blowjob, return the favor, bone-it-up, money shot" porn. There was nothing special about it. No specific fetishes, no extra props, no weird costumes or contortionist positions. But right in the middle of the oral sex part, the girl pulled back, looked the dude dead in the eyes, and aggressively spit right on his big ol' hog. I stopped the video about a quarter of a second later and made the "ewww" face.

It was weird and gross, but I figured I had just stumbled upon some oddball video meant for spit fetishists. I wrote my dong an apology letter and moved on.

Andrea Chu/DigitalVision/Getty
"Hi, Dong. No, there's no need to stand up. I'll be quick."

However, slowly, over the course of the next few years, I started seeing more of that. It got to where someone was spitting on genitals every 20 videos. Then every 10. Now it's damn near a staple of the average porno, and it's goddamn weird and gross, and PLEASE STOP DOING THAT!

To be clear, I'm not talking about porn stars who are just being liberal salivators during the "lick my crotchal zone" scenes. I'm talking about people who are rearing back, pursing their lips, allowing anger to wash over their bodies ... then spitting on someone else's genitals like a war movie spy spitting in the face of his interrogator. Then they just go back to work like that didn't just happen.

If my wife ever pulled back and full force spit on my floppy region, I'd assume it was an act of revenge. Or, at the very least, a challenge to a naked MMA match. I'd wonder what I did to make her angry. Or maybe my dick insulted her while I wasn't paying attention? Did she see a spider on it, and that was her attempt to drown it?

Duncan Smith/Photodisc/Getty
You're welcome!

The thing is, these aren't fetish videos at all. Well, I suppose the very act of watching porn could be considered a fetish, but you know what I mean. It's not like they're labeled "awesome cock spitting scene" or "butthole spitter has perfect velocity." They are perfectly normal sex videos in every other way. But somewhere along the line some porn director saw it happen in someone else's video and thought, "That is so hot! I have to have that in my next movie!" Then another one, and another, and another ... until it became a normal thing to do. You lick that vagina, and then angrily spit on it. That's a totally normal part of sex to them.

4
The Search Results Can Be ... Um ... Disturbing

Milan_Zokic/iStock/Getty Images

There's a long-running, behind-the-scenes joke at Cracked in which we're pretty sure that our Google searches have landed us all on some government watch list. It's probably closer to the truth than a joke, because we've had to research articles on pedophilia, mass murder, terrorism ... hell, I've personally researched suicide, murder, and "how many Tramadol would it take to kill a person" in the same day. There's a reason I'm telling you this, so don't get your nuts in a bunch. Yes, it relates to porn.

Knowing that I use a couple hundred search terms per day, and knowing that I use the same account for all of that, it's not surprising that Google regularly asks me things like, "Did you mean 'how large is Bigfoot's dick'?" Which, of course that's what I meant. Nice save, Google. Now imagine how weird that gets if I decide to type in some porn search terms.

Google
Well, that exists. And now I know.

That thought is disturbing on its own, but wait, because it gets worse. A lot worse ...

What's really disturbing is when I get a brand-new computer. Perfectly clean hard drive. I'm not signed into any accounts at all. There is no search history connected to my computer in any way. If I start searching for basic porn, I will inevitably get at least one return that suggests incest. And there's a reason for that: Among the most popular porn search terms in the world is "mom," "step-mom," and "aunty."

So now we run into tons of cases where even if the video itself is just a plain ol' everyday MILF flick, the porn sites will throw in titles like this:

Google

They're catering to their audience. And their audience is searching for those videos en masse. Check out the view counts on this search, and keep in mind that I didn't include the words "brother" or "sister" at all. I used just a blunt, average search for "sucking dick":

Pornhub

Note the ratings. Evidently, some of this was just incesty enough to be above average. While others were apparently a solid B+ in the "sister blowjob" category. I dunno ... if I'm searching for basic porn, and the sites start trying to show me that sweet mom-on-son action, that's my cue to shut that shit down for the night and consider all of the ways my life would be different if I finally said fuck this and shot my computer out of a cannon.

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3
You Want Porn For Women? Give Us Four Seconds

Getty Images/Photodisc/Getty Images

One of the weirdest changes I've seen in porn over the last five years happens to be pretty damn cool. Some people noticed that, although a full pornographic video can be pretty awesome if executed correctly (for instance, not spitting on someone's cock), sometimes the most erotic part can be boiled down to a single facial expression, or the slightest change in posture when the actors are actually enjoying it. They noticed that stripping out the color from an otherwise normal dirty, filthy fuck scene made it somehow look classy. And we're talking about Trucker Sluts Magazine to Playboy levels of difference.

So a whole subculture was born where people took a few seconds of video and made animated GIFs out of them. No sound. No plots. Hell, lots of them don't even show actual nudity, let alone penetration.

Via Porn Gifs For Women (NSFW)

It feels strange to say "women like this," because I've seen it, I like it, and I can definitely see other people liking it, gender be damned. But while ... um ... "researching" porn GIFs, I found that women really, really like it. They like the living shit out of it. Generally speaking, of course.

I think the most surprising aspect of this is, as Cleo Stiller of Fusion pointed out, women are traditionally more prone to watching porn with complex stories and characters. The personalities and situations are every bit as important as the actual sex. So it's funny to me that when we strip all of that out and just post a four-second black-and-white loop of a woman sucking some dude's balls, it just blows that stereotype all to hell.

Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/Blend Images/Getty Images

"Yeaaaaah! She is just going to town on that sack!"

But it totally works. Large collections of these GIFs are all over Tumblr and ... whatever other sites let you post porn GIFs like Tumblr does. MySpace? Is that still a thing? It doesn't matter. The point is that they're as popular as a rubber butthole in a nursing course on enema week. And there's probably an animated GIF of that somewhere on Tumblr. Some extremely bored, hyper-specific woman is rubbing one out to it right now.

2
Want To See Pure Raw Insanity? Open A Porn Site Comments Section

Steven Frame/Hemera/Getty Images

The very last place that needs a comments section is a porn site, but for some reason they all have them. What purpose could those possibly serve? To show advertisers that their site has a strong stalker following? To provide a place for constructive feedback on dicking techniques? Is it a place for fans of masturbation to meet and forge lasting friendships?

Nope. It's pretty much just a collection of the dumbest, creepiest, most desperate people on the entire fucking planet, grunting out total nonsense.

Pornhub

Pornhub

Xvideos

To be completely fair, porn sites have the only comments sections I'll actually read. I can't help it. It's just such a raw breakdown of humanity, it becomes surreal. A living embodiment of irony that is so heartbreaking that it needs its own scientific study. It's mostly just lonely men, obliterated by testosterone, talking smack about how much harder they would have given it to that woman or giving her shit because her ass was too flat and her tits were too saggy ... even though they just jacked off to that video.

Xvideos

But my absolute favorite part of porn site comments are found in the double-edged sword section known as "homemade" (more on that section in a minute). Find any amateur video on any site, and you will inevitably see tons of psychotic dipshits who just have to know the woman's name.

Xvideos

The above image isn't from a single video. It's cut from the comments sections of a handful of different ones ... and if I was a more patient man, I could have easily made that picture a thousand entries long. Want to know the really scary part? Sometimes they find out.

And that brings me to the double-edged sword ...

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1
There's No Such Thing As A "Safe" Porn Site

amanaimagesRF/amana images/Getty Images

I have to qualify that title because it kind of comes with a "yeah, no shit" factor. We all know that porn sites are risky. Back in the days before streaming video, you had to download all of your porn from a file-sharing program, and half the time the only thing that was getting dicked was your hard drive. Then we went through that era where the sites themselves would just auto-fuck you the second the page loaded. For the most part, we now know what to look for and avoid ... we find a site or two that's reliable and just stick to those, right? Well, it's not viruses that are the primary problem anymore.

When I said that the "homemade" sections are a double-edged sword, it's because they're ... well, homemade. There's absolutely nothing wrong with two or three or a dozen consenting adults filming their filth and uploading it for the world to jack off to. But the problem is in those two words: "consenting" and "adults."

ColorBlind Images/Blend Images/Getty Images

"Wait, I just have to figure out this stupid webcam driver problem."

Since homemade amateur porn isn't regulated like the professional ones, we don't know anything about the people in the videos. We have no idea whether one of those people got mad and uploaded it as revenge porn. And, just as important, we don't know if the people boning are even of legal age.

If you randomly click around in the homemade or the amateur sections of PornHub, you'll eventually start finding videos that have been pulled from the site. I assume that a sizable portion of those were from viewer complaints, some were copyright issues from bigger pay sites, and some were likely from the people in the videos themselves realizing, "Holy nuts. Please tell me I did not just find a video of myself faking an orgasm with my ex."

But the most frightening thing I've ever found happened a few years ago. It was a homemade video of two people who looked to be in their early 20s. I clicked the play button, but the "we've taken this shit right the fuck down -- you'll need to stroke it to something else" message popped up. No big deal; I'll just scroll down to the comments section and get a quick laugh.

CursedSenses/iStock/Getty Images
And that's when I got a case of the sads.

It was filled with the expected posts of "who iss teh grll plz" but was followed by a very large string of people finding out. And telling everyone. Including their addresses. Followed by a link to a news story of the girl getting brought up on charges because she was 15 years old in that video. The same video that would have been playing on my computer, had it not been removed. The same video that had a hit counter sitting at well over 500,000 views.

I'm not saying that porn is bad or that every site is rife with children slapping happies. I'm saying that, in this modern era of sites that allow people to create profiles and upload their own videos, it's entirely possible to watch something totally illegal and have no idea. Traci Lords has made exactly one porno that's legal to watch in the U.S., but if you try to look that up, you'll find dozens of scenes from her earlier work as a teenager. Even on those "safe" sites.

And that's why I just stick to Bigfoot porn now.

Yeah porn is now full of spit and GIFs, but it's not like it affects you, right? Well, maybe. See if you're addicted to porn (you probably are) in The 10 Steps To Porn Addiction: Where Are You? Porn also tends to be a regional thing. Find out who's more into hentai and who just likes Mondays (porn is like the anti-Garfield, apparently) in 7 Hilariously Predictable Porn Trends From Across The Globe.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see that naming a porno isn't as easy as you'd think in Do You Have What It Takes To Title Porn?, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

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