5 Ways to Make a Gang of Children Lift a Car Off the Ground

#2. A Car Jack

Well, there's always a regular car jack. This isn't much more than a simple machine itself, typically using a simple screw with a gear that turns a rotational force into a lifting force.

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No, that's not quite ... actually, whatever. Sure. Mechanical engineers of tomorrow: This is how jacks work.

Obviously a regular jack can only lift a car a half foot or so, which doesn't really meet one of our guidelines. To lift a car completely over a child's head, you'll need to instruct the children to brace the car at intermediate heights while they remove and then raise the jack.

Note that this is incredibly dangerous, so make sure you do it where no one can see you.

George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Dispatch, I've got some suspicious activity here at 15th and Elm, yarrrrr."

#1. All the Small Things

OK, so your poorly designed jack stand (just more children bound together) collapsed, and you're getting a lot of suspicious looks from the people passing by your day care/garage. Still, we're getting close, so let's combine everything we've learned, add a couple more small things, and see if we don't finally reach a tipping point, as it were.

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No that's trip- ... close enough.

First let's lighten the load as much as possible. Toss out every part of the car not necessary to retain its "carness." Seats, spare tire, upholstery, everything. Ideally it should be just a big lump of bare metal at the end. After that, let's, why not, fill the thing with hydrogen gas. Hydrogen gas adds about 1.2 grams of lift per liter, which means filling an entire car with it will make it ... like ... 6 or 7 pounds lighter. Huh. Well, I guess it couldn't hurt.

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Unless it could.

Secondly, we'll use the principal of aerodynamic lift by buying an aftermarket spoiler and installing it upside down.

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Actually, fuck it. Get three or four spoilers on there.

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It, fucked.

Any forward momentum should cause the car to be fractionally lighter. But how do we get that forward momentum with only child power? Simple! We take our inclined plane, put the car at the top of it, and then get the children to give it a push.

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The snorkels are for the kids steering inside. Don't, uh, don't put your best kids in there for that part.

Meanwhile, 10 of our most physically powerful children will be trying to lift the car as it rolls down the ramp. (They'll need to be on skateboards for this.) And, why not, put a couple more kids on skateboards with the jack. Couldn't hurt.

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Unless it could.

At this point I should caution that there's a chance that this still won't work, and that for a variety of reasons ...

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... you probably won't get another chance.

So, just to be absolutely sure you get the car up in the air, have the children put another inclined plane at the bottom of the first one.

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Congratulations! You have lifted a car in the air using only child labor! And although you're really going to want to see what happens when it lands, you're probably also going to want to be somewhere else pretty quickly, too.

George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Dispatch, he did it, and it was awesome, I repeat, awesome. Requesting permission to not try very hard to catch this guy."

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and the owner of several failed businesses. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

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