5 Ways to Make a Gang of Children Lift a Car Off the Ground

I'm not going to ask why you need to lift a car with only child power, although statistics tell me that it's likely for one of the following reasons:

- You own an undercapitalized towing company.

- You're trying to teach these children a trade.

- You wanted to see what was under there.

First some definitions and clarifications. I'm going to define "lift" as anything that gets more than two of the car's wheels off the ground and high enough that a child could walk underneath it and fetch some keys perhaps. If that sounds challenging for a child to accomplish, believe it or not, it really is! It's almost impossible!

Thinkstock/Stockbyte/Photos.com/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
And yet pics, therefore it must have happened.

Indeed, here right now I will show you how it can be done. Note that to complete this guide you're going to need several children at your disposal, where by "several" I mean about 50 or so, and by "disposal" I mean exactly what that word conventionally means.

#5. Get the Strongest Children

Cars are 2,000 to 4,000 pounds, which is going to be difficult for any amount of children to lift. Even if we limit this to the slightly easier task of lifting two of a car's tires off the ground, conventional children will still struggle mightily with this.

Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty Images
I blame our schools, Dungeons & Dragons, and you, the reader, in that order.

Therefore, before we get started, you're going to need to get the strongest possible children. Which is difficult. Children don't respond that well to conventional strength training, and few have the appetite for the 15 daily chicken breasts and creatine shakes necessary for such training. Anabolic steroids are another option I'm going to recommend strongly against, due to the health risks they pose, and of course their illegality.

Stockbyte/Getty Images
"I'm pleasantly surprised to see this is one of your responsible columns, Mr. Bucholz."

Also their cost.

Stockbyte/Getty Images
"I'm glad to see this is one of your mostly responsible columns, Mr. Bucholz."

The same goes for exposing them to gamma ray blasts, radioactive spiders, or basically anything from Issue #1 of any Marvel Comics brand. No, instead I'm going to recommend that you use actual science, in this case natural selection.

Stockbyte/Getty Images

Leave your children unsupervised in an enclosed space for an hour or two, then come back to find which ones are physically dominating the others. They'll be the ones carrying a conch or some other totem, or simply the ones physically on top of the others. Those are the children you'll need.

Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Who would have thought a simple column about child endangerment could go so wrong?"

#4. Go at It from the Side

The heaviest parts of a car are the engine and transmission, hundreds of pounds each, difficult for any number of children to dead lift. But if you coach your children to lift the car from the side, those heavier elements will be in the middle of the car, giving the children a mechanical advantage.

Image Source/Photodisc/Getty Images
Which, like all advantages, will go unappreciated by the spoiled little shits.

Strongmen use this technique all the time, and this guy seems to think a person could take a Honda Civic off its side wheels if he could half-squat 500 pounds. Now that's still quite a bit, and I don't mean to brag, but I cannot do that.

Brand X Pictures/Stockbyte/Getty Images
So many people say "I don't mean to brag" but then accidentally brag, it's weird.

And I suspect a 500-pound lift will prove out of reach for even the burly children we've selected. It will still probably take 20 of them working together to lift that much, by which point they'll have run out of handholds. So while we're on the right track, some further thinking is required.

#3. A Simple Machine

Let's tweak the rules a bit and give the children access to some simple tools. Nothing electric or hydraulic, just simple machines, which, despite their simplicity, can still dramatically increase the lifting ability of even very strong children.

Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images
"Do you even lift?"

We've already been essentially using a lever by lifting the car from its side. A longer lever could work, but there will be issues finding one strong enough and complications with the fact that the far end of the lever will have to move a great deal and children are so troublingly short.

Podzemnik via Wikimedia Commons
A subject that really deserves its own article.

So what else is there? Well, there's the inclined plane. That's easy enough to construct (children love playing in dirt), but as anyone who's tried pushing a car up even the gentlest of inclines will know, this isn't at all easy. Also, it doesn't really count as lifting, does it?

Jupiterimages/liquidlibrary/Getty Images
"That's enough back talk about elevation above mean sea level, children. I have enough stored potential energy
in me to rain thunder upon you."

Really, of all the simple machines, a pulley seems to be the most promising, particularly if used in a block and tackle configuration. Unfortunately, I think a block and tackle can only be purchased in salty maritime environments, and if a grown-up with 30 to 50 children and a bunch of rope is seen in such a place, the sea authorities tend to look pretty closely at what's going on.

Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News
"This don't look too savory, it don't, yarrrrr."

So what else is there?

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Chris Bucholz

  • Rss

More by Chris Bucholz:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!