5 Ways to Attack Children With a Stick

#4. Forcing the Children to Hit Themselves With the Stick

Once you've caught and are sitting on one of your tiny attackers, you place yourself in what is essentially a "citizen's arrest" type situation. You're now somewhat responsible for their safety, which means that hitting them with a stick is no longer acceptable. That means you will have to make the child hit himself with the stick, which is the most moral thing you can do in this situation.

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"Why are you hitting yourself?"
"I'm clearly not! Do you have any understanding of the concept of agency, or how responsibility for actions should be proportioned?"
"Of course n- ... I ... wow. You're a pretty smart kid, huh?"
"I get hit a lot."

#5. Psychological Warfare

Eventually it will come to pass that all of your attackers will escape, and you will no longer be able to actively defend yourself. But don't put your stick away yet! Because the government requires that children go to school, you have a very good idea where to find them on the next weekday and will be able to lie there in ambush. The courts call this Terror Stick Stalking Against a Minor, and it's your constitutional right.

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"Our Founding Fathers were messed up."

So, loiter outside the schoolyard, in full view of the classroom windows, pounding your stick into your hand. During recess, walk slowly back and forth by the playground, running your stick over the chain-link fence. At lunchtime, obliterate a pumpkin in the school's parking lot.

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"Mr. Bucholz, what are you doing back here?"
"Hello, Principal Neale. I guess you were wrong about me never finding direction in life."

The children will learn not to trifle with you ever again, and on the playground they will soon compose songs celebrating your power and dominion.

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(singing) "... like a hurricane."

And then you're done. Congratulations. You have successfully defended yourself.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and isn't allowed within 500 feet of a lot of things. Join him on Facebook or Twitter to receive the latest in child care tips.

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