I became a father for the first time last year, and like most new parents I've spent much of the past few months fantasizing about using my baby to commit crimes.
"You cover the crowd while I'm in the vault."
And so, on one of the many sleepless nights which are now my life, I began doing research to find out the best way this might be done. I present my findings to you below: the hottest, most nurturing parenting tips that the authorities don't want you to know about.
#5. As Bait
People love babies, especially people who don't deal with them regularly. And even if you don't particularly like babies, it's hard to hate them. They're new enough not to have committed any serious sins, and it's a cold person indeed who'd wish them any real harm. For many people, the sound of a crying baby on a dark night is a sign of a baby, and likely a parent, who could probably use a bit of help.
Unless it's on an airplane, in which case they should be towed behind the plane until they settle down.
It's this use of a baby as bait which lies at the heart of an old urban legend where someone uses a recording of a crying baby to encourage people to get out of their cars, or unlock their front doors, or reveal themselves in some way while trying to help. Once they are exposed, our criminal does some kind of murder crime on them.
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"Stop! That's illegal!"
Although there doesn't appear to be much evidence to support the reality of that urban legend, similar cases have sort of, kind of happened. Like this story of a baby stroller left in the middle of the road in Fresno, possibly as bait. Although, again, in that case no actual crime appears to have been committed, and experts remain uncertain about whether that's just how people in Fresno store their babies.
But still, the "baby as lure" trick looks like it definitely could work. Even if you have no particular interest in extensively premeditated murder (except in self-defense), you could probably use this in a heist-like situation. Imagine a baby slid across the tiled floor of a museum, underneath a bunch of laser sensors, that suddenly starts crying, thus luring a guard out of position while the dad steals a massive diamond or just lies down somewhere for a nap. Since I thought of it, I can't imagine anything else.
#4. As a Ticket
The presence of, or lack thereof, a baby is often a pretty good sign of whether or not someone belongs in a place. An adult in a toy store or near a playground without a child is slightly unsettling, and whether or not our culture's fears over child abduction are overblown, it's probably inevitable that we all apply just a little extra scrutiny to these people.
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No one's going here for the pizza.
The flip-side of this is that when you have a baby you're given a pass lots of places you wouldn't be otherwise. For example, there's this sad case of a couple that was caught wandering around a maternity ward with a fake baby, with no doubt only the best, most well-reasoned intentions at heart. But even beyond that, I've seen plenty of evidence that a baby can get you a pass almost anywhere. People will either sympathize with you and the crying, stinking baby you're dealing with, or get so distracted by how cute your crying, stinking baby is, that they'll hold doors wide open for you, forgetting the fact that you have no business being in this vault.
I'll be sorely disappointed if the next James Bond movie doesn't feature him and a 5-month-old in a Baby Bjorn sprinting full speed at a space shuttle where someone holds a door open for him.
#3. As a Human Shield
Most human beings are reluctant to do harm to babies for the reasons discussed above (morality) and also because when a baby is cut in two it just becomes two separate babies, which soon leads to an unwinnable fight.
Also, if you ever look at a baby in anything other than a mirrored shield, you'll turn to stone.
Consequently, using a baby to shield oneself during the commission of a crime seems like exactly the kind of thing that mindlessly awful people would do. And they have! I looked it up! All the stories are really depressing and sad!
Who'd have thought a simple column about reckless child endangerment could turn so dark?
There are less sad variations of this, though, like the hilariously named Gypsy Baby Toss. This particular crime involves throwing a (hopefully) fake baby at someone to distract them while they're being pick-pocketed. In the end, the victim is left with zero money and one baby, which is usually revealed to be a doll or a large tube of luncheon meat or something of that nature.
"Ha! There was nothing but luncheon meat in my wallet anyways!"
If you're a crime-minded new parent but find that none of these appeal to you, say if you value your child's life or something, you can at least consider even milder versions, such as holding your baby over your head to keep rain off you while you're jaywalking.