Cracked Columnists

5 Ways the Internet Is Like a Bad Spouse

#2. It Fears Your Growth and Change

Here's the kicker about how hard it is to be married. Y'know how we all suck and get tired of the same old thing -- especially when we were really desperate to have that thing? Well, we also hate change. Isn't that awesome? Your wife has a new hairstyle? A new friend? A new job? What's this about? How will this affect your life together? Why the new hairstyle? Is she banging the new friend at the new job? Your man's been working out? Why's that? Is it that new divorcee across the street you saw him making winky faces at while taking out the trash? Why is he losing that gut and dying his pubes! Yep, humans are hard to please.

Just like the Internet Cannot Be Satisfied

Think about the reaction every single time Facebook or Google or any site changes its appearance. Everyone dies.


Remember how upset everyone was when Facebook started selling your DNA to the highest bidder? Now everyone loves that function!

But seriously, it doesn't matter if the change is intuitive or helpful or not. There will always be a large segment of the Internet that will freak out simply because something's different, just like that jealous person going through wallets and purses because their spouse changed hairstyles.

#1. It Oversimplifies Your Existence

Trust me. If your husband or wife starts any sentence with "That's so you. You always _____," the blank will not be "fill me with love and make me want to give you orgasms all day." It's the start of something bad. Some terrible trait of yours is about to be put on display. Even worse, your entire existence is about to be defined by that trait. You are no longer that wonderful collection of idiosyncratic qualities all coming together to make you the wonderful snowflake you are. Now, you are just the dick who forgot that important date again. You are just that bitch who never had faith in her man.

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images
For the sole purpose of upsetting people who inexplicably like Ann Coulter, Ann Coulter will be portraying that bitch in this entry.

And the Internet LOVES to Keep You Simple

Let's return to this very site and its columnists as an example. Judging by some readers, you might believe I ONLY write about being Jewish, Cheese only talks about alcohol, DOB's stuff is only about being socially awkward, and ATB only writes about music. I've seen all those comments and criticisms, and they're all just wrong.

Comments have labeled me as both an insufferably arrogant narcissist and an insecure, socially awkward mess. They're both right. They're both wrong. I'm both. I'm neither. And I could explain how my colleagues are not easily defined as well, but I won't, because they're not as interesting to me as I am. (Shut up.)

Some might think the point of this entry is to beat up on anyone who has bitched about me or other Cracked writers. It's not. What I'm really getting at is a problem far more important than misguided abuse: It's unfulfilling love. No person can be defined as only one thing. And anyone who sees you as only one thing can't really love you.

If you love me because I'm always the sexy, Jewish, witty one who appeals to your daddy issues or if you love Soren for always being the somewhat less sexy all-American one who spins lovely satire, then you're not seeing us. For good or bad, oversimplifying someone to the extremes cheapens your love. But the Internet craves niches and labels, and it will never stop trying to come up with one-sentence taglines to itemize its content. That means most of its attacks will fail, just as its embrace will also be unfulfilling, leaving you wondering if the Net even knows what's in its arms.



Buy tix to see Gladstone do stand-up at the Gotham Comedy Club on June 11, 2013.

Also, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter and stay up-to-date on the latest regarding Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. And then there's his website and Tumblr, too.

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