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5 Ways the Internet Convinced Me Not to Vote

#2. They Just Have to Drag Religion into It

Getty

Fifteen religious debates just broke out from simply reading that header title. Another 150 will break out after every sixth word you read. Every last one of them is retarded.

I don't think I've ever seen a political debate that didn't quickly break down into "Christian versus everything else." Hardcore Christians chime in, claiming that certain candidates don't deserve a nomination because they're not Christian. Atheists protest that no facet of religion should ever, ever be a part of politics in any form. And the second this happens, all talk of the remaining 90 percent of politics gets thrown out the window -- economics, the military, foreign relations, education ... what does any of that matter when voting for this candidate will cause you to go to hell? After all, the man is a Muslim!

Via Hypocriti-co.blogspot.com
"Oh, shit, he's going to bomb us all! Run!"

"Wait, did I say Muslim? I meant Mormon!"

Via Religionpoisons
"Oh, shit, he's going to show us one of those family commercials! Run!"

I know enough about politics to know that religion, like it or not, does in fact play a part in policy because it's a core part of the moral makeup of the people who create the laws. I understand that it's a point worthy of discussion and debate, and it's going to get heated a tenth of a second after it starts. But not every goddamn political discussion has to break down into that. The second that happens, it turns off the majority of the people who were at one point interested in the conversation, but now have to hit the unsubscribe button because they know how this one is going to end: with the Christians talking about the Last Days and the coming jihad, and the atheists warning about oppressed women and a return to the Dark Ages. Meanwhile, everyone else's eyes are rolling so far up into their heads, they can visually inspect their own brains.

And all of it happens because ...

#1. They Try to Make Every Issue Insultingly Simplistic

Getty

The image macros ... holy shit. This is where everything just completely breaks down for me. You'll notice that I've peppered this article with some of the stupidest, most short-sighted bullshit floating around in blogs -- the Internet's septic tank. Sadly, it took virtually no work to research because the Net is absolutely saturated with it. It's what we get when we have an armchair political activist who A) thinks they're witty and funny and B) desperately wants people to notice that. So they break a point down until it's indecipherable, add some scathing sarcasm and hold the end product up as a virtual picket sign.

Via Thedailysatire.com
You got me. I know exactly who I'm voting for now.

I understand this is the Internet, where if it can't be said in 140 characters, it's not worth saying. And I understand that shit doesn't go viral based on how true it is, but on how worked up it gets you. The bias on the Internet is heavily weighted toward short, inflammatory bullshit. And every single piece of it makes us dumber. Here's the deal: If all of your positions on the major issues can fit on a bumper sticker, there's a fantastic chance you have no fucking idea what you're talking about.

And who exactly is this shit supposed to convince? It's like the Internet is actively trying to prevent political education by going so far in one direction that their end result just obliterates any kind of credibility their original point was trying to make. No, you're not helping when you post crazy bullshit like this:

Via Freedominfonetwork.org
Oh, shit, he's a felon? How did we let an oversight of this magnitude happen?! Get that man in prison!

And no, you haven't converted a single voter by posting ridiculous pictures, comparing a candidate to the most evil human to ever walk the planet:

Via Facebook
Oh my God, they're both pointing! Why is he still allowed his freedom?!

Maybe this is what politicians wanted all along -- for us to give up on the system. For us to buy into the chaos and mudslinging so that they didn't have to. I mean, seriously, if you can't fling shit at your opponent without getting it all over your own hands, isn't the next best thing to let your supporters do it for you (don't forget to check on your Facebook experiment)? No, I want no part of that. I'm out.

Wait a minute ... they just won, didn't they?

John has a Twitter where he regularly shows people his boobs.

For more Cheese, check out 5 Terrifying Online Trends (Invented By the News Media) and 5 Reasons Today Isn't Going to Suck.

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