#2. Making That High Pressure Shot
Let's make this clear: If you're a fan of animals or justice, or just not a huge aficionado of douchebags, you might want to skip this video. It's awful, pointless and brutal. But although there's no condoning this sort of thing, you have to admit: There is no higher pressure shot on earth than the one this guy makes ...
It is just plain fucking wrong to hunt a vulnerable (read: almost endangered) species just because you're having a midlife crisis and the dealer was out of motorcycles that day. But when that lion comes charging out of the brush at those hunters, it is plainly evident that silly hats and khaki shorts are not sufficient armor against a few hundred pounds of furry murder.
To the hunter's credit, it wasn't one of the other 12 armed dudes it apparently takes to kill one cat that made the fatal shot: The lion charged the hunter, and that hunter killed the charging lion. He was staring right into the jaws of bounding, slavering, totally justified death, but he made the shot, and the lion skidded to a stop right at his feet. By all means, hate the guy, but you give him his due.
I mean, if it's any consolation, sometimes a guy has balls so big that all they really do is highlight how tiny his penis is by comparison.
The Pure Luck Version:
It's kind of a tragedy that the guy having fun with guns the right way is the one who comes off looking like a lucky idiot, but here you go. This guy is out shooting targets in the desert with a .50 caliber rifle, which, you'll note, is a hell of a lot of calibers, when something goes wrong. And you know what's coming the second you hear that sound:
I've never heard that noise before in my life. But if I ever did, I would know, instinctively, that I just did something dumb and now I'm going to die for it. After the rapidly approaching whine of death, there's a little puff of dirt on the ground, and then a man is dead. Or by all goddamn rights he should be: The bullet came so close to his head that it knocked his ear protection off.
Can you appreciate how astoundingly unlikely that is? He fired a bullet away from him, and it traveled God knows how far out into the desert before hitting its target and inexplicably ricocheting back in the exact direction it was fired, where it bounced off the dirt, redirected again, and then homed right in on the face of the man who shot it. I'm not sure if that means God loves this guy or hates him so much that it's like a knife in the Almighty's gut just to think of the bastard, but if I were the shooter and I survived something like this, I'd join the priesthood and then immediately burn a church to the ground, just to hedge my bets.
#1. Racing an Avalanche
When I first watched this video, I didn't get what I was looking at. I thought I was supposed to be impressed by how big and scary an avalanche really is -- and you know what? I totally was. I had no idea they were that massive and terrifying. That really is an entire goddamn mountain coming down. And then I saw that tiny little black dot in the middle of it all -- is it a boulder or something? Surely that's not -- oh shit.
It's a little hard to see -- the video is shot from so far away, and the scale of the avalanche is so gigantic -- you almost can't make out the trail of steaming fear urine carving into the snow behind that little black dot. Almost.
That dot is Kaj Zackrisson, and he credits pure luck for his survival. But that's not entirely true. Most people can barely manage to stay upright on a pair of skis when a member of the opposite sex might be judging them. Kaj knew a mountain was chasing him, and he not only stayed on those two tiny, bendy slabs of wood; he used them to outrun gravity. He had some close calls: The avalanche even engulfs him a few times, but he keeps skiing right back out of the fluffy white death-cloud behind him.
And then, right at the bottom, just as the avalanche is finally petering out, the little black dot disappears in that sea of white ... and doesn't immediately come back out.
If, at that point, you're not rooting for a dot harder than you've ever rooted for anything in your whole life, then you need to call your doctor right away and schedule one of those Grinchectomy heart-enlargement surgeries.
The Pure Luck Version:
Doesn't snowmobiling look great? You're out there, in the middle of nature, nothing around you but the totally pristine snow, just waiting for you to violate its sanctity with your roaring, tank-treaded snowhog. This guy looks like he's having a great time: He does a few sweet jumps, bobs and weaves between some trees, then books it to the crest of a hill and watches the beautiful landscape ...
... literally crumble right beneath him. Before he can even yell, half the surveyable terrain just up and disappears from directly under his vehicle. All he can do is sit there dumbly and watch land stop being land all of a sudden.
You can tell he's in shock right after it happens, because instead of voiding his bowels so hard it propels him into the air like a shit-rocket, he just calmly shuts his machine down and hangs out on the edge of the abyss for a few seconds, wondering how he's going to get home, now that he can no longer trust the earth.
Buy Robert's stunning, transcendental, orgasmic science fiction novel, Rx: A Tale of Electronegativity, right here. Or buy Robert's other (pretty OK) book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead. Follow him on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook.
For more from Brockway, check out The 10 Most Terrifyingly Inspirational '80s Songs and The 8 Most Ridiculously Badass Protesters Ever Photographed.