Cracked Columnists

5 Video Game Strategies That Are Way Less Useful in Reality

#2. Ramming Cars

Having slain the exceedingly polite and patient Troll of Some Importance, you race away from his dungeon in your highly tuned sports car, embarking on the next leg of your cross-country race.

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Seriously, someone make this game.

As you jockey for position with your competitors, a moment of distraction (changing out of your beekeeper's outfit) causes you to fail to notice a sharp turn ahead, and the braking point for it, which you've just badly missed. Or maybe you deliberately missed your braking point because you know you'll be able to T-bone into three or four of your hapless competitors, bouncing around the turn less like a car and more like a bowling ball, without any negative consequences at all.

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"I AM UNBREAKABLE!"

I have logged a lot of time in video game race cars, and it's shocking how well this works in almost every racing game made, including the "realistic" ones. Obviously a certain amount of contact is a part of race car driving; rubbin' is famously racin'. But so are things like black flags and traumatic head injuries and physics. There are only so many T-bone collisions a car can inflict (zero) before it will be incapable of T-boning any further.

Peter Macdiarmid/Getty Images News
"Maybe ... maybe try that corner in second next time."

#1. Death Warping

After a couple of insanely reckless turns that sent a few people (who weren't you and don't count) plummeting to their deaths, you realize something. You want to go home. But don't worry! This isn't a moment of growth or self-realization! You just want to drop off your loot.

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And maybe pick up a more powerful pair of trousers.

But home is a long, long way to go, and to save yourself a tedious drive, you simply pitch yourself off a cliff instead.

Photodisc/Getty Images
Whoops.

This works in a lot of games, depending a bit on the particular game's mechanics for checkpoints and progress retention. Sometimes you don't end up home, but in a hospital, or at a previous checkpoint, or wherever. But the point is, you end up somewhere else, and in many game situations, that's worth the price of your profoundly valueless life. Essentially, every video game player has deliberately killed themselves at some point, purely out of convenience.

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"I want to live! Just not here!"

When consulted, death scientists point out that this doesn't work so good in real life. "Also, I'm just a regular scientist -- don't write that," they add. You see, it turns out you've only got one of those real lives to give, raising one side of the pro/con equation rather heavily. Also, a cliff or swamp or pool of lava isn't going to transport you anywhere you want to go, the only possible destinations being a world of hurt or a house of pain.

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Also possibly the Hotel California.


Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and wants you to live, dammit, really live. Join him on Facebook or Twitter to prove you can.

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