Last week I dropped my cellphone and the screen shattered. Here's a picture to prove that I'm not lying to you and that this really happened.
Has trust been established?
My journey from phonelessness to re-enphonification took just hours of time, but the true cost was to my soul. In a way, I died that day. Let me count the ways.
5When Your Cellphone Breaks, You Have To Replace It Immediately
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The moment I realized that my phone's screen was not just shattered but unresponsive, I knew that every task I had written down for that day had to be rescheduled. It was, after all, Friday, which meant that the next two days were Saturday and Sunday (that's how days work), when it would be far more difficult to get a phone replaced or fixed. I couldn't take the risk of going a full 72 hours without a phone, and I couldn't live with the stress of putting it off even a few minutes. I had to fix this now.
"Stephanie!" I cried. "Clear my schedule!"
"My name's not Stephanie, and I don't work for you. Now, if you'll excuse me, bro,
I'm going to go back to enjoying the feeling of this mossy wall."
I get that not all of you can relate to this. Some of you are saying that it's easy to go a few hours or even some greater length of time without a cellphone, because you're resourceful enough to rely on your wits and wiles and wherewithal. That's very good for you, I guess, but I don't see how that helps us dummies. Some of us have trouble handling the stressors of the world without our pocket-sized robot buddies, and we have all the same rights to life as you, OK? So back the fuck off before we start tweeting about you.
But the biggest problem with not being able to solve problems until I replaced my phone was that I didn't know how to solve that first big problem (the phone one). Do you know where your nearest Verizon store is? I don't, because I never bothered to store that information in my brain because I figured I could just look it up on my phone. I tried asking someone for directions, but they just gave me a weird look -- or maybe just a totally normal look, I couldn't tell, because I haven't needed to interpret a stranger's facial expression since the day I got my first smartphone six years ago. Why ask for directions when I can Google Map something? Why have an original thought when I can read a think-piece on the toilet? Why ask for the time when I can just say, "OK, Google, what time is it? OK, Google, what time is it? OK ... eghum. OK GOOGLE. WHAT TI- OK ... is the light supposed to come on?" and then just give up and look at the clock?
Somehow -- don't ask me how -- I made it from the elevator in the parking garage (where I broke my phone) to my work computer, and I started researching my next move. There was just one problem.
4 Tech Reviews Are Written For People Who Are Not Me
There are only two questions I ask before I buy a new piece of technology. First, does it do the stuff I want? Second, does it have a bunch of expensive parts that I don't need? It seems simple, but I have never in my life been able to get those questions answered. For example, when I started researching new replacement phones, I started with the LG G4, which is the sequel to my phone, the LG G3. I guess. This is what the reviews told me.
"The firm has stuck with a 5.5in screen size and a Quad HD resolution (1440 x 2560) ... and offers a high pixel density of 538ppi. It's not the same panel though as LG has fitted its new IPS Quantum Display."
Every single word is either an obscure technical specification ("538ppi") or a meaningless marketing term ("Quantum Display"). Or, like, a conjunction. Or a pronoun. Or whatever type of word "the" is. All I want to know is "how many PPIs does it take before I'm not the only guy in my group of friends who doesn't have cell service?" If your answer is, "Ha, you idiot, PPIs have nothing to do with that at all," then why are you talking about them at me? I explained the rules, fucknugget. Other reviews blabbed on about the G4's leather back. That information seemed no more relevant.
The only "leatherbacks" I care about are baby turtles (I wanted to be a marine biologist when I was a kid).
This doesn't apply to just phones -- I ran into this same issue the last time I was trying to buy a personal computer. Since I use my personal portable computer only for writing and leaving crude threats on celebrity Facebook pages, I decided that the Acer Chromebook 11 at $180 was right for me. And I'm happy with that purchase, because my Chromebook's battery lasted all the way through an eight-hour car ride and the screen is bright enough to see in direct sunlight. But instead of just explaining that, the reviews say stuff like, "A Chromebook isn't a computer-purchasing decision -- it's a lifestyle choice."
I spend more time with my computer than with my friends, I've typed more words than I've spoken, and I've forgotten the color of the sky and the feel of wind against my face, but listen to me: Saying that the brand of computer you use determines your "lifestyle" is demented. At the end of the day, it's a box with lights that does what you tell it. You can still bend it to your whim. The machines have not yet won.
I understand that there's nothing wrong with owning these devices as pieces of flair, but surely there are other people who just want functioning technology, right? Are we forced to get our research done on the street?