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5 Tips for Writing the Perfect Eulogy (For Someone You Hate)

#2. Encourage Everyone to Celebrate Life Instead of Mourning Death

By now, hopefully everyone will be sick of being so dreary and sober. Float the idea of transforming the whole affair into a party and qualify your decision with a heartfelt "[Name of the inferior, past-tense person] wouldn't want us to be sad today, he would want us to celebrate in his honor." Usually that's all it takes. The grief-stricken are just waiting for an endorsement from the dead to stop mourning and start drinking, because feeling miserable is hard work.

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"Now that's what I call a wake. Right? Right, everyone? Ahh, you're having a good time."

In actuality, your enemy almost certainly would not approve. I know that when I finally die in some spectacular blaze of heroics, I don't want anyone celebrating the first day I'm in the ground. I want women tearing their hair out and throwing themselves on the coffin. I want men contemplating suicide and renouncing God. I want wolves to descend from the mountains to lie by my grave and orcas to beach themselves out of reverence. Surely if you put some thought into it, you would want something similar, as would your enemy.

So it's a special finishing insult to trick his family and friends into shedding their sadness and making some bad decisions with you instead.

#1. If All Else Fails, Pretend You're Talking About Yourself

You will see the following tips hard at work at nearly every funeral you attend. I'm assuming the generic sentiment is intentional, and at least one nemesis of the corpse always has a chance to speak. But if you aren't careful in the slow, deliberate sabotage of your enemy's memory, the mourners may get suspicious. Should you sense uneasiness in the crowd while following any of these other tips, your safest bet is to launch into true emotion. To be clear, I don't mean the true emotion you feel for the deceased. Aim for the true emotion you feel for yourself: pure love.

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"I feel like I can tell you anything."

Speak as though you have the opportunity to eulogize at your own funeral; say everything you hope others will say about you. After all, you are not so different from the person lying in that casket, aside from your obvious dominance at living. Be honest and kind, and most importantly, pretend the tears from all those desperate faces are for you, because one day they will be, and you will not be there to see them. Misery doesn't play favorites, or more accurately, it favors everyone, playing for both sides like an all-time quarterback who only throws the ball over the fence so no one can win. So really soak up the sadness while you have the opportunity, and enjoy it. You can take pride through it all in knowing that you are literally dead last.

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Congratulations.

You can follow Soren on Twitter or allow him to seduce you on Tumblr.

For more from Soren, check out The 6 Creepiest Services For Mourning a Dead Pet and 7 Celebrity Movie Deaths We Enjoyed Way Too Much.

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Soren Bowie

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