5 Tips for Writing the Perfect Eulogy (For Someone You Hate)
Someday in the future, everything you love and cherish will stop existing and you will die. Heavy, I know, but there is a silver lining to that oblivion cloud: The same thing will happen to your enemies, and with any luck, it will happen to them first. No one ever wins in life, but as long as you strive to be the very last loser, you may have the luxury of watching awful people fall around you.
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Ha! Yes. 657 to go.
Now, every once in awhile, a third party will mistake your lifelong rivalry for a competitive friendship and ask you to speak at a funeral for one of your enemies. A funeral you only planned on attending to see your adversary locked helplessly in a box and buried. But you never turn down a challenge and you are no quitter, as evidenced by your even heartbeat, your strokeless brain. My God, you could do a hundred jumping jacks right now if you had to, even in that expensive suit. You will accept and you will eulogize so hard that your rival's family will fill the voids they feel with your words, or, if they are attractive, potentially your genitals. Yes, when life hands you the body of your enemy, you will make lenemy-ade.
Here are five tips on enduring out loud in the dead face of your nemesis.
#5. Generalize Until the Deceased Is a Faceless Shadow in the Mind of Loved Ones!
The dead will always live on in the hearts and minds of those who survive them. It's annoying, but until science finds a way for you to crawl inside a human head and murder those memories, it's something you'll have to tolerate. In the meantime, you can do your level best to cloud everyone's recollections of the awful person in the casket. The easiest way to do this, strangely enough, is through generic praise.
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"She had a good heart. But not that good, obviously, because it malfunctioned."
Start with shallow compliments that could be used for anyone. "He always had a smile on his face" or "She was always kind to everyone" are nice ways to devalue any actual depth the person had in life while also vaguely insinuating that your enemy may have been blissfully retarded. In truth, anyone who spent an entire life smiling and blindly throwing around kindness would be a nightmare to hang out with; all that optimism would get exhausting. But the bereaved love hearing this kind of thing, and it has the added benefit of replacing the real memory with a flimsy, two-dimensional caricature. Already you are chiseling away at the true personality of your rival.
Once you've thoroughly stripped away his or her individuality with trite cliches, take a moment to remind your audience of the very specific shortcomings of your enemy ...
#4. Accuse the Deceased of Leaving Early!
A throaty and broken assertion that your enemy was taken too early from this world is a surefire way to let everyone know that he left a lot of loose ends before (cowardly) dying. Responsible people finish what they start. By saying, "He was taken before his time," you can indirectly acknowledge that your enemy left a lot of shit unaccomplished.
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Some unfinished projects will be more tangible than others.
It doesn't matter where you focus, be it the moments you wished you'd spent together, the things you never got to do or even the goodbye you'll never get to say; these all translate to failures that the person in the casket can only silently shoulder. You, after all, are still making the effort, while your adversary has cut ties and left. Best of all, as you rattle them off one by one, everyone in the crowd will tearfully nod and think about the personalized and private ways he also let them down. It's going to be great.
Now, if you accidentally smile, don't worry. You have an out ...
#3. Share an Intimate Story That Highlights Your Disappointment in the Deceased!
This is a good time to bring up embarrassing anecdotes that pivot on the endless inadequacies of your enemy. Be careful, though; this should have a very specific order and flow to it or else it will come off as a charming memory, which is the last thing you want. Here's how it should play:
"[Name of the intolerable corpse] always dreamed of getting a pilot's license/writing a book/seeing Vietnam/etc., but life just got in the way, as it will do. (Look pensively toward the horizon as though you're writing a mental note to make time for more awesome things before you die.) Jobs, family, friends -- these are the things that came first for [name of the unpleasant carcass]. She never got to live out those dreams, because we -- you and I -- were always the priority." (Point skyward with both index fingers and address the ceiling.) "Well, now you've got your wings, champ/I'm sure you've got some crazy stories to tell now, buddy/I'm sure you're seeing the world with a whole new perspective, you paltry bitch/etc."
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"I decided to self-publish up here. It's just easier, and I get to keep creative control. Anyway, I've got a box of these if you want one."
The grievers will appreciate the sentiment, but you all know that the through-line of the story is your enemy's incompetence and how she's missing the biggest deadline of all. Furthermore, pointing to heaven is a nice gesture, even if everyone knows that dead is dead. They will still respect you for pretending.
By now you're probably feeling pretty good, so the next step is to subtly establish the possibility of an after party.
Oh, if only I had read this sooner, could have taken some tips to my father's funeral. Now I just had to resort to the old "speak no ill of the dead" and keep quiet the whole time.
ReplyJust my f*****g luck that my only enemy can't die. :-/
ReplyWhy not?
Lost my wife to cancer less than a year ago, still pretty much go to sleep sobbing every night. Because that's just the way it is. But you know what guys? This article is spot on. I didn't laugh so much as nod in agreement. That said, I try to forgive people for saying stupid s**t, because nobody really knows how to deal with death these days-- people either deny it can happen, or they want it to have meaning. It can, and aside from meaning someone awesome isn't going to say hi to you tomorrow, it doesn't. Caught off guard by tragedy, they want to say SOMETHING, because we all want to help, but the accelerator of their mouth is down while the clutch of their brain is out. After a while, you learn to shrug it off (to the old college bud who told me a week after the memorial "you're still young and in shape, you'll be okay", dude, it's cool. You meant well).
ReplyMy condolences. I lost one of my best friends, a guy I was very much in love with, rather suddenly, so I sorta know the feeling. A *hug* over the internet to you, sir, and I hope you feel better soon. It's been 5 years now and it still hurts a bit, but I promise time will help :)
I was at auchwitz and 9/11 and pearl harbour and aids
'I don't want anyone celebrating the first day I'm in the ground. I want women tearing their hair out and throwing themselves on the coffin. I want men contemplating suicide and renouncing God. I want wolves to descend from the mountains to lie by my grave and orcas to beach themselves out of reverence'
ReplyYES. I will be quite hurt if when I'm buried, everyone forgets it and goes and gets drunk. Mourn me, damnit.
More like DAVID Bowie, WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I hope I don't get stabbed with a BOWIE knife, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply*facepalm*
I inserted the name Steve into the paragraph describing how to highlight your disappointment in the deceased. Then I came to read "She never got to live out those dreams". That made me laugh more than anything else in the article.
ReplyMine was Jim, then things got kind of awkward.
When i die i hope who ever announces my death will be cool and awesome and just tell/lie to everbody that steelmouth have been promoted to head some international muilti corp company at some awesome island populated by horny promiscuous always half naked big boobied sexy lil females roaming the beach, so all the people who hate me will die of envy thinking am living awesomely
ReplyThe girl in #1 looks like Jessica Rabbit.
ReplySomeone needs to write you a prescription for spectacles before they write you a eulogy.
I didn't want to be the person to point it out, but now that you said it. I concur. Well the reflection does anyway.
I think I would have only one word for Soren's euology... "doughy"
ReplyI told the guys in my unit, friends and family the day I die, there better be a party no sad faces. And since I'm a heathen Atheist then no need to waist money on a casket or religious practices. I am also living 1 g for food and alcohol........ding dong sgt H is dead woooooouuuuuu!!
ReplyHere's a tip... Read every single thing Soren wrote here, then pretend he wrote the opposite; because you people getting all uptight and mad at him, clearly missed the point of the article.
ReplyI would like selected passages from the Necronomicon read as part of my eulogy.
ReplyAnd David Bowie playing in the background.
The passage about raising the dead would be good. I'm Baaaaack :)
When I die I expect the first thing somebody is going to say is "Fuck that Dick, he's dead, good f*****g riddance. Someone give him a pearl necklace!"
ReplyThen somebody will punch that dick in the face, because I would have wanted it that way. Pearl Necklace??! That's disgusting!
I hope people laugh at my funeral and wake. I hope my enemies show up and laugh at me. I hope those who claim they love me, kill my enemies in funny and brutal ways and then laugh at them!
I hope they all laugh when I come back as a zombie and eat all of them.
s**t, I had a point. I got lost after pearl necklace. Sorry. Still going to submit this comment. Obviously.
You had me at lenemy-aid. I know you potentially don't read comments or whatever because who the hell cares what the plebes think, but dear Christ you are a bastard in the best sense of the word.
ReplyI'm a little weirded out by the Cougarlife ad I got on this page.
ReplyI like this article because I' m often empowered by peoples tears... and by empowered I mean aroused.
ReplyLenemy-ade eh? Kind of a stretch...
ReplyThe same can be said about your mom. Except it's not "kind of".
Oooooh snap girlfriend!
I don't think you really intend for us to write a eulogy that will dishonor the memory of those we hate. This seems more like a really clever way to get your enemies to say nice things about you when you die. What aren't you telling us, Soren Bowie? Do you have interminable cancer? Or has your liver gone out from drinking and your kidneys shut down from drugs?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI meant terminable cancer. I think. Is that right? I can't think straight. I think I might be suffering some sort of bizarre illness. Remember me fondly, hated foes!
Terminal. That's what I meant. Right. Phew. Glad to know I can die knowing that I wasn't COMPLETELY retarded.
You can die believing that, I don't know that one can know a lie.
Did someone murder the guy who wrote a big spammin' hate essay?
ReplyVoice actor here. My colleagues and I have already made plans to give each other's eulogies in the vocal stylings of
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies1. Bart Simpson
2. Goofy
3. Bugs Bunny
4. Ron Burgundy
5. Dudley Dooright.
"He's a goner! Ah yuck!"
"What's up, doc? Definitely not you....."
I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave. I will not laugh at your grave.