5 Hypothetical Questions About Sex (Answered For You)

If you've ever been a teenage boy, then you've spent at least a half hour of your life trying to disgust your friends with awkward hypothetical sexual situations, forcing them to attest to which of a handful of bizarre and uncomfortable options they'd be most likely to agree to. Why do we do this? It's kind of funny. That's about it.

But if you give these sexual hypotheticals a little more thought than they deserve, it's entirely possible to come up with a "correct" answer. Just watch.

Hypothetical #5: Sex With One's Self

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No doubt you've encountered this gem of a brain teaser before, but if not, get ready to scratch your noggin. Here's the scenario: You've been cloned by science, and your clone comes out looking and thinking exactly like you. The two of you are, for all intents and purposes, the exact same person. You have the same memories, the same body, and they react just as you would to any and all situations. Time to fuck.

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Your clone's been needled from behind since before conception, so why not immediately after, too?

Is having sex with this humptastic clone of yours an act of gay sex, or an insane new form of masturbation?

It's hard to imagine sex with another person as masturbation, but is this even another person? Genetically speaking, this is you. On the other hand, you and your clone are the same sex, so clearly this is at least gay, right?

The correct answer is, of course: gay. Your clone may be genetically you, but it's still a separate entity. If you die, the clone lives on, complete with memories of the strange gay sex session the two of you had just after your clone was born. How that will ruin their psyche, we can only speculate.

Now for a twist! Shyamalan!

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Not the Sixth Sense kind where the clone's dead, because even hypothetical necrophilia is goddamn disgusting.

An alternate version of this hypothetical posits not a clone, but a time traveler. You have gone back in time -- let's say to last week -- to warn your past self that you're about to get good and sexed by future you. Is this sexual encounter gay or masturbation? Contrary to what your first instincts may tell you, this is not the same as the clone scenario, and is 100-percent not gay. This is meta-masturbation. Masturbation involves pleasing oneself, while a gay encounter requires another member of the same sex. Past You is not another member of the same sex per se; it's the same member. It's you, pleasing yourself (assuming you don't do it wrong), and therefore crazy sci-fi masturbation!

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Or crazy sci-fi awkward small talk, once you see what you actually look like and gag uncontrollably.

Hypothetical #4: Sex With Your Hot Cousin

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This one strays away from sci-fi and more into the social damnation. Is there a way out of this conundrum that leaves you morally and psychologically unscathed? Well, that's for you to judge. I'm just here to provide answers devoid of moral context. The question is as follows: Would you have sex with a hot cousin if you knew no one would ever find out? And if you're more of a gambling man, there's this variant: Would you rather have sex with a hot cousin knowing no one would find out, or not have sex, but have everything think that you did?

Take a moment to let that seep into your pores. Is there a good way to answer either of these? For the second one, you have the moral high ground by not porking your cousin, even if no one believes you. But is smug self-satisfaction worth carrying that scarlet CF on your chest (CF standing for cousin fucker, of course)? On the other hand, you only have your own guilt to live with if you actually do pork your cousin, because no one else will ever know. Or will you?

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Does it really matter, though? You'll probably just wind up on your phones like every other couple.

The answer to this is clear. By presenting the options as opposites, we're acknowledging that you don't want anyone to know you porked your cousin. You find that objectionable, as it's the standard in our society to frown upon incest. However, the question also directly states that your cousin is hot, so if you agree to the parameters of the question, you acknowledge the hotness of said cousin and the awkwardness of society knowing it. Therefore, you would clearly be down for porking that cousin in secret. There is no internal guilt; you're just a little freaky. And hey, maybe they're just a cousin by marriage. That's barely a problem at all, right?

Besides, historical documentaries have shown us that it could be way, way worse.

Knowing the answer to the "would you rather" version of the question also makes the standard question a simple one. Of course you'd do your hot cousin! You'd do your cousin on the couch, you'd touch your cousin on the pouch, you'd ride your cousin down the hall, you'd boff them in a bathroom stall. Would you, could you, in your car? Pork them! Pork them! Here they are!

Hypothetical #3: The Lecherous Millionaire

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Did you ever see the movie Indecent Proposal? This is like that, but with less rich and leathery Robert Redford and more sitting around and thinking. Posited by philosopher Joel Feinberg, the situation is as follows: A woman with an ill child is approached by a millionaire. He offers to pay for the child's treatment if the mother will have sex with him. What to do?

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Besides "the world's horniest living baseball glove," I mean.

This version is actually scuzzier than Indecent Proposal, because in that film, it was just an offer of a million bucks to knock dem boots. Not a lot of coercion involved, beyond what personal greed can muster up. This version is much more manipulative, what with the sick child. Or it seems that way. To be fair, this millionaire is in no way obligated to pay for anything at all, so it's kind of nice that he's even offering. Though it's kind of monstrous that he would add "just so long as I get that sweet momma booty" onto the end of it. It's probably safe to assume this millionaire is a bit evil.

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"Here's three bucks. Get the little brat a Tylenol. Twenty more to come after butt stuff."

This is supposed to be an exercise in coercion, and whether it fits the requirements. But if you have no reasonable alternative means to save your child, this does qualify as pretty clear-cut coercion. And you probably should do it. I'm going to be honest; I wouldn't even need a gender reversal on this if we're talking a life-saving situation. I'll take one for the team, if that's what it takes. Sure, we'll have to work out the details ahead of time. I'd just as soon not be making out with this guy and brushing his hair over his ear, but if I need to pull up my socks for 20 minutes while he works out some aggression, and the end result is saving the life of someone I care for, then let's do this. It's clearly the right thing.

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Felix Clay

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