#2. Goldmine Lager
Strike gold in just one sip with the delicious taste of Goldmine Premium Lager Beer.
If this is what it feels like to strike gold, then California had no business becoming a state. In general, I distrust any canned good with an adjective like "premium" on the label, but in the spirit of self-flagellation with which everyone else must be consuming this beer, I made an exception. Just for context, I've also seen Goldmine Lager at Whole Foods before, but never as cheap as 59 cents a can, which makes me wonder how it fell so low. Maybe the upper crust has run out of reasons to punish itself.
The beer is thin, light yellow and watery. It tastes a lot like if Coors Light tried to remind you with every sip that it spent the last six months in an aluminum can. While there isn't an immediate aftertaste, there's a lingering flavor of salty metal, like your mouth just lost a tooth, or like you just discovered a vein of ore in the creases of your tongue.
It's OK if you run out of glasses, Tupperware really allows it to breathe.
This beer goes best with an ended relationship that could have easily been saved if you were just willing to put in the proper effort. Like an excitable prospector setting out West to strike it rich, you were ill-prepared for the real work necessary for a relationship, and once winter came, you killed and consumed the energy of your significant other, metaphorically. Goldmine Lager pairs well with the regrets of love and it will distract you from the thoughts of what your ex is up to now, which is undoubtedly something more constructive than drinking beer from the 99 Cent Store.
#1. Night Time (Cherry Flavor)
Failure to follow these warnings could result in liver failure or death.
Full disclosure, the next beer I was going to pair with sadness was Walker Brown Pale Ale, but it ended up being infuriatingly good, particularly for 59 cents. If you are interested in torturing yourself with alcohol, Walker Brown really isn't a good option unless you plan to pour it into open wounds or something. I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time. On to the cough medicine!
Night Time smells suspiciously like candy. I thought that maybe I had been duped by the 99 Cent Store into buying a flavored sugary placebo. Fortunately, it tastes like nail polish remover and corn syrup, with the added bonus of staining your teeth pink after a few glasses. It has more than double the amount of alcohol of some of the other beverages on this list, plus acetaminophen, which in tandem are notoriously terrible for your insides. Far and away the best aspect of Night Time is that you can drink it in bed and no one will judge you for having six empty bottles on your nightstand. But let's be honest, no one is coming over anyway.
"It's always the right time for Night Time!" There you go, Night Time, that slogan was free.
Cough medicine, it turns out, is surprisingly versatile when it comes to personal failures. It goes well with all flavors of incompetence, from being fired to never getting invited back by that softball team you played with one night. But it goes particularly well with the guilt of pushing your family out of your life in an effort to reinvent yourself. The burn in the back of your throat has notes of nostalgia from a time when your family would take care of you when you were sick. The taste is reminiscent of staying home from school and watching General Hospital with your mother, while simultaneously reminding you that you can never have those moments again and that home means something completely different now. Night Time is perfect for divorcing your favorite memories from love, using cough medicine now to make yourself sick instead of the other way around because oh my God what have you become?
That's just one idea, but really experiment with finding new pairings! There are a lot to be had. Once you understand how each beverage works best to bring out the notes of your self-inflicted grief, you can throw your own pity parties and share your knowledge. Enjoy!*
*No one should attempt to find any real enjoyment in of any of these beverages. You still have a lot of introspection to get to.
For more from Soren, check out 4 Tips for Fixing Up Your New Home (That's Clearly Haunted) and 4 Ways To Shirk Responsibility And Deceive Your Way to Trust.