5 Tips for Fixing America's Schools (From a Former Teacher)

#2. Unionize the Dummies

You hear it all the time: Unions defend bad teachers. Unions have bad taste in shoes. Unions killed MLK. And all three of those things are true in the sense that I have sworn affidavits notarizing those facts. Of course there are bad teachers out there. I once took a nap in the reading center while my students ate a Play-Doh effigy of the janitor's shorter leg. Ain't no shame in it.

I digress.

Unions get a bad rap for defending the bottom of the barrel, and perhaps that's fair. American children are precious, and our future depends on their fat butts. The answer isn't blaming our unions for protecting bad teachers -- the answer is tricking our bad teachers into joining different unions. Dummy unions. It won't be hard. Bad teachers aren't smart. They're not reading this article, because we're already past the 500-word mark. And it's not like anyone is going to scream in the comments about defending bad teachers. "How dare you denigrate people who have no business in the classroom!" Or maybe they will. The world is a crazy place.

"If a person wears the same shirt twice in one week, he's cheap." -Quote from actual lesson by shitty LAUSD teacher

I have a plan, and I'm going to need everyone's help.

Step one: We take out Craigslist ads in every city in the country. "Wanted: Certified classroom teacher to try free weight loss program. Lose 5 pounds in 5 hours!"

Step two: Use a comically oversized mallet to bonk the heads of whoever answers the ad. Redistribute students to smarter teachers. They'll be better off.

Step three: High-fives all around.

Problems solved. Unions won't have unsmart teachers to defend and we'll all have a pile of bodies to play on. When they wake up, offer them a job at the mall or something. I haven't gotten past the bonking part of the plan yet. (I don't think I need to.)

#1. Ask the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation for Help

Do you know what Bill Gates loves more than looking smug? Toilets of the sun. Do you know what else? Schools. Bill Gates is a sucker for figuring out how to fix schools. True, he's spoken harsh words about the current teacher salary system, but I think we can turn him around. For one thing, I've got this pair of gams I'm not afraid to use.


For another, a moneybags like him doesn't have the time to investigate every single request that comes his way. Sometimes I wonder if he's playing Uno but with his dollars. So I've taken the time to compose this letter to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. You can thank me when we're rolling in Gates dollars.

Dear Mr. or Mrs. Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation,

RE: Schools, all of them

The schools of America are orgasmic to present this grant proposal to you, Bill or Melinda Gates Foundation. Today there are over 80 million students enrolled in American schools and only five of them can read. The rest are just really good actors. Now, you have a choice. You can send 80 million students to Julliard, or you can fix these schools.

We have your dogs.



In the off chance that my grant proposal doesn't work, I have it on the DL that the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation lives in Washington State or Portland. I also happen to know that we can find an actress who looks like the Oracle from The Matrix to show up at their doorstep to sweet talk them with cookies and motherly wisdom. I'd sit on a puppy if the Oracle told me to.

She'll get us that money. OH YES. The Oracle will get us that money.

In conclusion, be good parents and help your kids with their homework and everything will probably be OK.

Kristi Harrison is earning that money over on Twitter and Tumblr.

For more from Kristi, check out 5 Silly Childhood Rituals (That Explain Adult Behaviors) and 7 Simple Questions You Won't Believe Science Just Answered.

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