The science is in. If you're reading this at work, you should probably be drunk right now. Of course, by "science" I mean "an ABC News story" and by "drunk" I mean "having a drink or two."
But still, the word is out. More and more offices are letting their employees have a couple drinks at work thanks to the fact that drinking at the office, provided you manage your consumption, can promote creativity. Read that again slowly if you need to. I'm not talking about being fall-off-your-bar-stool-drunk at work. Nobody is creative when they're hammered, and besides, the bar stool at your desk would be a dead giveaway. But a drink or two can help give you a creative edge over your office rivals. Like how Mark McGwire figured out that drinking all that milk would make him hit a ton of home runs back in 1998.
"I extracted the growth hormones and injected them in my ass!"
I know, you're probably nervously sputtering, "But, but, but ... my office doesn't allow drinking on the clock!" Of course it doesn't, and that makes the opportunity even greater! If no one else in the office gets to drink, that means you get to be the Barry Bonds of the joint by harnessing all of alcohol's career-improving benefits for yourself. You're probably doing a disservice to your company by not having a cocktail in your hand right now. You want to finally land that promotion that's been eluding you for years, don't you? Well, with a little pre-planning, you can get the daytime drinking bump even if you work in a dry office.
#5. Choose Your Booze Wisely
Sorry, Southern Comfort fans, there's only one reasonable choice when it comes to deciding what to imbibe at the day job. That, obviously, is vodka. While it's a total myth that vodka has no scent, it is far and away the easiest scent to conceal. See, all alcohol smells like alcohol. The only difference with vodka (or gin, but yuck) is that it doesn't smell like alcohol and oak barrels or alcohol and hobo piss (that means you, Steel Reserve).
The champagne of hobo piss.
Sure, you can't down an entire fifth of vodka on the bus to work in the morning and expect people to ignore the fact that you're breathing fire at 9 a.m. But if we're just talking a couple of drinks, you won't find a much easier crime to conceal than cubicle boozing with vodka.
Do you have a recommendation as to what particular vodka brand works best in a professional setting? Did the voice that just asked that question in my head sound exactly like a better and stronger version of me? The answer to both of those questions is "yes."
Mostly, I recommend buying what you can afford. That said, there's a huge difference between cheap vodka and expensive vodka. The main difference being that the latter is distilled several times to be as smooth as possible and the former is probably just filtered through the mesh covering that's used to keep body hair from going down the drain of the bathtub of the Russian housewife (the anti-Communist propaganda kind, not the mail order bride kind) who brewed it up. In other words, the cheaper the vodka, the more impurities it will have, and that could very well mean a little bit stronger of a smell. I'm not saying you have to be a dick and buy that vodka that P. Diddy makes, but shooting for something in the mid-level price range wouldn't be the worst idea. At the very least, buy Smirnoff.
But there's more to drinking at work than just buying the right vodka, isn't there? Yes, Me 2.0, there is. Let's talk about concealment.
#4. Don't Bother With Flasks
You're probably thinking that drinking at work presents the perfect opportunity to use that flask you have tucked away in your kitchen cabinet. If you do think that, let me ask you a question. Why do you even have a flask? How much of an alcoholic are you that you need to carry a little with you to fill in the gaps created by driving from drinking spot to drinking spot? Nobody needs a flask -- that's why seeing someone carrying one is only slightly less shocking than seeing someone carrying a gun. It's equally shocking if you carry a flask that looks like this, though.
Probably even more so, because at least you stand an outside chance of saving your life with a gun. Carrying a flask just means that your life is already in shambles and you probably aren't worth saving anyway.
One solution to the concealment conundrum (condolences for the unnecessary alliteration) is to just stop at a gas station on the way to work and pick up a half-pint of vodka and one of those gigantic fountain sodas. If you can find a 44 ounce, go for that. Nothing below 32 ounces, though. You're packing a lot of booze into a small area. You're going to need all of that extra soda or whatever else you choose to cut your poison with (I usually went with lemonade). Otherwise, you might as well just be sipping pure gasoline from a straw.
However, if going raw dog (so to speak) on a bottle of vodka isn't intimidating to you, or if for some reason walking around your office with a Big Gulp is unappealing to you, there's another solution that should be right up anyone's alley. Just pour your vodka into a water bottle. Congratulations, you now have enough shots to last you a week. Maybe treat yourself to an assortment of mixers from the break room vending machine as well. You deserve it.
#3. Mints Are a Bad Idea
When your breath is reeking of alcohol, the natural inclination is to pop a mint or a stick of spearmint gum into your mouth to mask the scent. But just as putting deodorant on an unwashed armpit won't make people think you've just stepped out of the shower, adding mint to your alcohol breath won't make the booze in your system any less noticeable.
What you want here instead is some of that wacky multifruit-flavored Trident Layers gum that all the ad agencies are cranking out quirky commercials about (probably because they're all drunk).
This man has already been typecast as the "Nobody pays me in gum" guy.
Look for anything with the word "tropical" in it, or, even better, something with fruit that most people don't eat regularly, like guava or pomegranate. Everybody knows that Doublemint doesn't also faintly smell of alcohol. But how can a person be so sure that the same is true of dragon fruit if they've never known of it anywhere other than in the piece of gum you're chewing?
That's right, they can't. And that's why gum that includes a bunch of exotic fruit flavors is your best bet. Put a few sticks into your mouth, and if someone in your vicinity comments on the fact that the air smells faintly of booze, know that you have nothing to fear. Just say, "Oh, it's this gum I'm chewing. Tropical Mango Acai Berry Blast, they call it. Smells like alcohol, kind of. I wish it got me drunk like alcohol, though!" And then walk away, because that was a really dumb thing to say in light of all the drinking at your desk you've been doing in the made-up premise of this article.
Supplement your gum with a steady diet of Fritos or whatever other snack you know is going to give you dragon breath. Basically, you want to have so many scents coming out of your mouth at the same time that nobody will be able to accurately place each and every fragrance.
A lesser person would make a joke here about your mom having a similar problem identifying all of the cocks coming into her mouth, and I just did.