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5 Things We All Want (But Don't Deserve)

#2. Extra McNuggets

I once had the audacity to bitch about never receiving an extra Chicken McNugget. I mean, I don't want to make any of you too sad, but you should know it's true that I've never received more McNuggets than I paid for. And each time I order McNuggets (which is currently a rare occasion because I'm in training to get back into the Calvin Klein underwear modeling game), I check to see if there's an extra.

At this point (as I learned from the comments last time), some of you are saying, "Dude, I get extra nuggets all the time at Chick-Fil-A!" First off, I SAID McNUGGETS! That means McDonald's. We don't have Chick-Fil-A in New York, and second of all ... actually, that's my only point, Chik-Fil-A/gay jokes have already been played out.

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Time-sensitive joke self-destructed upon upload via Cracked's new stay-fresh technology. In a related story, all of Adam Tod Brown's content has been deleted.

But the point is, who was I to be complaining? I pay for six McNuggets; I get six McNuggets. What kind of a sick, twisted freak is jonesing to stick it to the man by scarfing down one extra heart-attack-inducing McNugget because he didn't pay for it?

#1. To Be Discovered

Have I ever told you how I feel about actors? For the most part, I don't like them. You want to believe they're deep, sensitive artists, but nine times out of 10 they're vapid, narcissistic, intellectually challenged whores. (Sorry to any actors who do not fit that description, especially if like you follow me on Twitter or whatnot.) As an undergrad, I considered pursuing playwriting until I started hanging out with theater people, and that cured me of that vocation pretty quickly.

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Also they kept throwing "Everyone gets laid tonight except Gladstone" parties.

But here's the thing, and I'm not sure all little kids are like this, but I used to walk around at 9 years old waiting to be discovered. "Discovered." What is that? Not only was I not a trained actor or taking any acting classes of any kind, but I wasn't even acting informally or anything. I had one line in my first-grade play. How was I waiting to be discovered? And as what? I had absolutely no right to expect to be discovered, and yet I'd walk around like some omnipotent higher power would snatch me up and put me on Diff'rent Strokes or something (presumably as Arnold's more talented friend).

Well, I got older, and as I mentioned, I soon discovered that not getting discovered was probably a good thing. But it's always made me wonder about how many of us pine away for a success we don't even particularly want. I don't mean earnest actors, dancers, singers, writers or even people like designers or inventors, working toward that big break that never seems to come. I mean complete dilettante hacks who don't even have a craft, but keep one eye open for that big break they might not even really want, but desperately have to have.

But all of you deserve and desperately have to have a new episode of HATE BY NUMBERS. Also, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter and stay up-to-date on the latest regarding Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. And then there's his website and Tumblr, too.

Check out more from Gladstone in 5 Things That Make You Happier Than They Probably Should and 6 Everyday Offenses That Should Be Punishable By Death.

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