5 Things to Know About the Armed Men in Your Local Chipotle

#2. They Have a Major Persecution Complex

Here's a bunch of these guys on one of their "marches":

Mother Jones

Now, again, I come from Texas. I grew up in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. Unless you're wandering around a few select neighborhoods, and these guys aren't, it's an incredibly safe place. We're talking about mostly middle-class white dudes living in some of the tamest suburbs on Earth. They have less reason to fear for their lives than any other group of people in human history. And yet here they are, waving a big flag that says "Come and Take It" and another big flag that advises passersby not to tread on them:

Mother Jones

None of these guys has ever actually been trod on by anybody except maybe a few schoolyard bullies. They already have the right to carry concealed handguns against whatever phantom thugs they imagine lurking beyond their cul-de-sacs. They want to "normalize" carrying guns in public because they feel like the fact that everyone else isn't armed is evidence of their oppression.

Yes, friend, the "mighty government" has held Texas back from so many gun-related milestones. Well, except for winning the right to carry guns in the car in 2005, as well as the right to keep that gun in that car on a college campus in 2013. These guys have never been freer to take their guns places, but that still isn't enough if they can't walk down the streets of Austin looking like Wyatt Earp with a Mountain Dew belly. And all this activism hasn't exactly helped their cause, or the cause of gun rights. That's because ...

#1. They're Their Own Worst Enemies

OK, in all fairness to these open-carry activists, there has been a recent rash of gun banning. Sonic, Chili's, and Chipotle have all banned the open carry of firearms from their artery-clogging eateries. America can't manage to pass any meaningful gun control regulations in the wake of a massacre, but private industry stepped up to the task the instant paying customers started to kvetch.

"I try to avoid the conspiracy theories," James Henry said. "But it's hard not to believe these guys are secretly working for gun control."

Bill Pugliano / Stringer / Getty
Yep, ban 'em all.

Henry hit the nail on the head, because he's a smart guy. But even an organization as big and dumb as the NRA has started to figure out just how dangerous these guys are to the future of gun rights. They warned activists that all this waving around of guns in public places was dangerous. Not to people or anything, but to the health and safety of the Second Amendment:

"It makes folks who might normally be perfectly open-minded about firearms feel uncomfortable and question the motives of pro-gun advocates."

It was an unprecedented move of sanity from the NRA, which opposes stopping crazy people from buying guns. They immediately backtracked, of course, because the craziest gun owners are also the ones who donate the most money. Every time these guys roll out to Taco Bell like a rhino waits between them and the chalupas, they sign their hobby's death warrant.


Yearly, the number of gun owners shrinks, while the number of guns they own grows. Crazy hoarders treating a trip to the Dress Barn like Fallujah, circa 2003, aren't going to bring the converts rolling in. Eventually they'll spend their last dollars on tactical flashlights for their midnight Jack-in-the-Box runs, the NRA will crumble, and -- finally unchained -- Nancy Pelosi will rise up from beneath the Earth's crust and devour their arsenals.

And then where will we be when Russia sends Cubans to invade the United States? Screwed, that's where. Thanks, assholes.

He's ready for World War III, as long as it doesn't mean running for more than 11 seconds.

Robert Evans owns, just, a whole bunch of guns. He also writes, just, a whole bunch of articles. You can find him here.

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