Cracked.com's Headitor, (that's "Head Editor" shortened to just one word, Sports Fans, and you're welcome), Jack O'Brien called all of the bloggers for a very important meeting. Even Cracked and Week In Douchebaggery Superstar Lex Friedman was in attendance. I hate being woken up in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon, so I was already eager for the meeting to end.
"What's this all about, Jim," I asked.
"Please stop calling me 'Jim,'" Jack responded. Lately I'd been trying to establish a Batman-Commissioner Gordon relationship between me and Jack. So far, he hasn't been behind it. Incidentally, that's also the reason why I keep breaking in through his window whenever I want to speak with him. Also, why I keep throwing smoke bombs at his family. Lex spoke up.
"Guys, thanks for coming out today, I really appreciate it."
"Don't mention it, Lex & the City," I answered.
"Don't call him that," Jack said.
"Anyway, the reason I called this meeting is because I want us to start shifting the focus of our articles and blog posts into a new direction," Lex went on. The bloggers all got nervous. Me especially. Unless the new focus is "Things Found in Hannah Montana's Trash," I'm totally up shit's creek.
"Why," Swaim asked. Lex started passing around some documents to everyone.
"On these sheets, you'll find a list of the top words and phrases people have typed into various search engines that lead them to this site. For example, about 150,000 people found us by typing the word 'Cracked' into Google, which makes sense." I didn't know why exactly that made sense, but I know better than to question Lex Friedman. "What I need you bloggers to do is to go through the other top words and phrases and start writing about that."
"I'm not sure... You want us to pander" Gladstone said.
"I think what Lexas Chainsaw Massacre is trying to say," I began, "is that we need more content that directly involves things found in Hannah Montana's garbage."
"That's not even close to what I'm trying to say. Even a little bit. Okay, look: For example, according these records, 5,091 people found Cracked by typing 'inspirational songs' into a search engine. So, Bucholz, maybe you could do a post on-" Bucholz interrupted him as soon as his name was mentioned.
"I'm not doing shit. I'm gonna write about what I want, whenever I want to. Hope you fuckers like the Olympics." He then got on his motorcycle and road off.
For a while, nothing happened.
Then, after nothing stopped happening, things started to happen. Specifically, Ross spoke.
"Is anyone else, like, totally terrified of Bucholz?" I seriously almost crapped all over the place, Bucholz is scary as hell.
"Look," Lex said, "Like it or not, these sheets reflect the kind of content that people expect from this site. You guys have the sheets, you know what people are searching for, so you know what to write about. Just give the people what they want." Gladstone raised his hand.
"Who's Tupac?" I lowered my head. Gladstone is so god damned white I almost weep sometimes. I swear to Hov, one of these days I'm gonna give that guy a serious Hip Hop education. But not today. Today, I am providing you, the fans, exactly what you want, (for once). I'm going to combine what you've searched for with the trademark witty joke-making you've come to expect from Cracked.com. Today, I give you
Five Things You Apparently Want to Read About5. Horse Cocks
Evidently, 473 of you found Cracked after googling "Horse Cocks," and an incredible 1,359 found us by googling just "Horse Cock." Well, we're sorry to the 473 who wanted to see/read about multiple horse cocks, (gosh, for so many reasons), but majority rules, so we're only going to focus on jokes with just one horse cock. In an effort to please you, the discerning horse cock enthusiast, please enjoy these hilarious observations about a singular horse cock:
"So, you've got a horse cock, eh? Where are you gonna use that bad boy, a Whorse House? ...Hm. You know, that joke really isn't funny unless you read it. And even then, it's still kind of retarded."
"So I was at a farm today doing a comparative study of animal genitalia for a friend's birthday present and, let me tell you something: A horse penis is shockingly large. Hey, more like schlong-ingly large, am I right? What? I'm not right? Oh, I see. It is 'shockingly.' 'Schlongingly' isn't a word. My mistake. Take note, kids, because proper spelling is no laughing matter."
That was Jokes About Horse Cocks, ladies and gentlemen, and You asked for it.
"How to suicide" was one of our top phrases bringing in 1,963 readers, but "Suicide," "Suicide how to" and "Committing suicide" also drew some huge numbers. Long story short, you folks start out looking for suicide and you end up at Cracked, so we might as well give you some suicide jokes, right? Before you kill yourself? Because you came looking for a site about suicide and you ended up on a comedy site? Because you can't do anything right? Right? Here goes:
"A friend of mine committed suicide, and gosh, I miss him every day. Every single day." (What a knee-slapper!)
"Knowing someone who committed suicide is like having a constant headache that won't go away. You end up taking so many pills just to numb the pain." (Whoa, watch out for this guy, he's on a roll!)
"I just want my friend back." (A hat trick of comedy!)
That was Jokes About Suicide, ladies and germs, and You made me revisit horrible memories.
"Tupac," "Tupac alive," "Is Tupac alive,""Tupac is alive," "Tupac still alive," "is Tupac still alive," and "2pac alive" all brought in astonishingly huge amounts of readers. Granted, we do have one article about Tupac in our back catalogue, but that's one article out of our fifty year legacy of comedy. One. Still, it seems the world wants to know whether or not Tupac is alive, and they want Cracked to be the site that finds the answer, so, after careful research, here it is:
That was Jokes About Tupac, ladybugs and gentle-bees, and You need to get a hobby.
2. Prison Rape and Cute Animals
557 of you found Cracked.com by typing "Prison Rape" into a search engine, and 441 of you got here by doing the same with "Cute Animals." Since neither search topic really draws huge, (re: horse cock), numbers we'll just combine them and, hopefully, both ridiculous demographics will be pleased.
That was Jokes About Prison Rape and Cute Animals, laddies and girls, and I have to take a shower.
A remarkable 1,022 of you fine readers reached Cracked.com, (home of harmless little articles about food additives and insects), by typing the word "Rapetude" into a search engine. To be honest, 'Rapetude' isn't a word I use very often. 'Tomfoolery.' Now that's a word I like. 'Marmaduke,' that's another one. 'DOB's Abs are Incredible.' While that isn't necessarily one word, I still say it a whole lot. But Rapetude? I don't think I've ever used that one. In fact, I don't think I've ever even heard that word in my entire ever-loving-marmaduking-life. No clue what it even means.
I asked the other Cracked Bloggers if they had any insight.
"I'm struggling with that one, too. I'm thinking it's some kind of combination of attitude and rape. But rape isn't an attitude. And it isn't funny. And...and why would so many people be searching for that? Why? I hate what this assignment is making me discover about our readers. I... I just post funny videos..."-Ross
"I'm sorry, I'm still on 'tupac.' It seems he was some type of street poet of some kind?...This can't be right." -Gladstone
"Do I look like I give a shit about your worthless blogging?" -Bucholz. And, for the record, no he did not.
"Oh, that's easy. Rapetude is having an aptitude for rape. Like, an innate proclivity for raping," Swaim explained with way too much confidence.
"How did you know that?"
"Look, DOB, I don't have time to teach you the in's and out's of rapetude.You either have it or you don't, alright? Now, are we done here? I gotta go make a video about rapetude and- Hey! You're dog's a cute animal, right? Mind if I borrow her real fast?"
That was Jokes About Rapetude, you sick bastards, and I want a new job.