5 Things That Should Be on Every Apocalypse To-Do List

#2. Indulge

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You know how some people work like dogs all their lives and squirrel money away for retirement and they're the most responsibly dull people ever because they have this life course plotted out and they know how their interest compounds for the next 20 years so they're aware they'll have a million dollars on the exact day they retire? Well now we're all doomed, so I bet they feel like assholes.

It's great to plan for tomorrow, until you run out of tomorrows. Now it's time to indulge yourself and live it up while you still have a chance. We're all conditioned to mete out pleasures to ourselves in tiny little bundles because we know we can't live like hedonists forever, drunk all the time, eating chicken wings covered in fudge while dancing with robot strippers and cloning dinosaurs. Because on Monday we have to go to work, or maybe someone will call the cops about the way we change the oil in our robot strippers and life changes from all the chicanery of The Hangover to the morbid depression of The Hangover 3. It sucks. Or it used to. This is one of the big upsides to the world ending: responsibility ends a few days earlier. No one gives a shit what you do now, and leading the not-giving-a-shit charge should be you.

Do you want to eat nothing but bacon-wrapped Big Macs stuffed with tacos until the world ends? Do it! Buy one for me if anyone is dumb enough to show up for work at a McDonald's knowing that the world is ending. Do you want to be drunk and naked until the bitter end? Literally no one is going to stop you or even question you. In fact, you may inspire some dude who still has his pants on to grab some Jim Beam and join you.

#1. Be Who You Were Meant to Be

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If you're like me, your whole life is a ramshackle tower of deception and exaggeration built on a shaky foundation of desperation. Every so often, though, the genuine me shines through in an unadulterated, sincere way. I like to think most people are like this, to a greater or lesser degree. You keep yourself guarded, you share only so much of your true feelings, your dreams, your motivations, your desires. You fear the rejection of your innermost self so you guard it like it's the most precious thing you own. And in a lot of ways it is. More precious than jewels, or even sweet, nourishing beer.

There are occasions in life when people become aware that they are dying, and no doubt this drastically alters their perception of themselves, others, and the world in general. But what if we all knew it? Would there be any need for pretense anymore? Any need to hold back? Imagine, even for a day, being part of a world in which no one is afraid to be themselves, to say all the secret things they keep deep down inside. Sure, you're going to find the odd duck who wants you to accept that he's always wanted to hump a donkey, but overall it'd probably be a much more positive and liberating experience.

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"I'm sorry, the gentleman wants to do what?"

It's a tragedy that we live in fear of ourselves, and in fear of how others will react to us if we live our lives unfiltered. It is our insecurities and doubts and ignorance that we keep quiet inside of us that lead to all of our regrets, misunderstandings, and hate. And this builds across individuals to encompass whole societies and countries. How different would your world be if you felt free to tell every person you know what you think is beautiful about them -- their kindness, their wit, their sex appeal, their intelligence. How different would your world be if people told you such things about yourself? If you not only felt valued by close friends in an unspoken or rarely spoken way, but knew explicitly that your presence made someone excited to meet the day because they knew you'd be in it.

Of course the downer that everyone is dying takes some of the wind out of the sails of that scenario and makes our little touchy-feely utopia more depressing, but hey, you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet, and sometimes you need an apocalypse before you can work up the nerve to tell your hot friend that you always smell her hair and secretly think about licking her neck when she walks by. Not in a creepy way, though. Actually maybe just take that one to the great beyond.

Also, one more thing to do before the apocalypse takes us all is check out This Is the End, and learn more from the masters.

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Felix Clay

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