5 Things That Make You Happier Than They Probably Should

#2. Immigrants Using Expressions Correctly


Something you might not know about me, but I am one of the worst foreign language students in creation. I just suck at it. If you dropped me off on in France and came back six years later, I'd probably still only know how to say Au Bon Pain. Nah, I'm just kidding. If you dropped me off in France, odds are the entire country would surrender to me instantly. That or send me off to the Dreyfuss suite at Devil's Island. Either/or. It's a tough call.

The point is, I'm not good at foreign language so when I meet ESL (English as Second Language) people who can use expressions correctly, it just makes me happy. I'm always way more impressed than I should be and instantly think they must be gifted wonderful people. It also seems somehow flattering that they've decided to forego whatever silly things they say in their weird made-up languages to use some of our real American words!

"Get out of my store before I bust a cap in your ass."

"You don't like this scarf? You must be trippin'!"

"May the road rise to meet you, good sir."

God bless all of you. Or as you say in your country ... well, we're in America now so whatever. God bless, y'all.

#1. Tiny Karmic Miracles


Tiny Karmic miracles are hard to explain. You just kind of know 'em when you see'em. And I'm not just talking about Schadenfreude -- the act of taking delight from people's suffering. That's not enough. I'm talking about misfortune befalling your enemies in a specific way that gives you a glimpse of justice.

For example, I think we can all agree that traffic sucks. Just a truism like celebs dying in threes or my bones being made of adamantium. When I'm in traffic, I play a game called, "Why am I in traffic?" Then I ponder aloud whether it's an accident or a sporting event or a holiday exodus. It's a good game because when you're done you're still in traffic, but everyone in the car stops hating you because at least you're no longer speculating out loud.

The happy children of some parent who does not play this game.

In any event, there are drivers among us who seem incapable of grasping the concept of traffic. Who believe congestion and delays do not apply to them. Perhaps, these drivers have vision that only extends to your back bumper. Or perhaps, they just have inordinately small penises. Whatever the cause, they're not having it. They've got somewhere to be and clearly you're holding them up because you just don't possess the skill to drive 10 miles over the speed limit or even the speed limit. They'll honk, rev the engine, ride the shoulder, dart dangerously between cars, all to secure a path to freedom.

And sometimes something wonderful happens. After exposing everyone to annoyance and potential vehicular homicide, they find themselves . . . trapped in the slow lane. You cruise by at 20 mph staring at their stationary asses surrounded by cars, and -- if you're anything like me -- you find it difficult to continue driving because your joy erection keeps interfering with the steering wheel. (By the way, to any of the ladies reading and identifying with me: you should probably get that checked out).

Moments like these can make you believe in God. An incredibly petty God who spends His time effing with dbags instead of inventing cancer-curing candy, but a God nonetheless. Or even better are the tiny miracles that convince you God has a sense of humor.

Take political failure and part time JC Penny catalog model Rick Perry for example. In his recent ad (which I'll only link to via Cracked's superior version), the Texas Governor comes down hard on the gay community, citing their right to serve openly in the military as something wrong with our country. A desperate ad from a weak candidate frantically clawing at the Evangelical vote.

And the best thing about the ad? Rick Perry -- defender of God and Country from the sins of gayness -- seems to have slipped into Heath Ledger's Brokeback Mountain jacket. Who's to say why? Perhaps, he was getting dressed in a hurry, in the early morning darkness of a tent before taking his walk of shame to film this ad.

God tells lots of sad stories, but sometimes, man, He is just too funny.

Subscribe to the all-new HATE BY NUMBERS. Also follow Gladstone on Twitter and stay up to date on the latest regarding Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. And then there's his website and Tumblr too.

Recommended For Your Pleasure


  • Rss

More by Gladstone:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!