5 Things That Have Almost Destroyed Halloween

#2. Rob Zombie's Halloween


OK, so this isn't explicitly about the holiday Halloween, but it's the same word, and I'm writing this, so I win. Rob Zombie's Halloween remake is an abomination. It just is.

The original John Carpenter Halloween is a decent movie. If I never see it again, I won't lose sleep or spend nights weeping softly, but I liked it well enough. It obviously struck a chord with horror fans and has endured for decades. Then Rob Zombie stepped in and said, "Look at me, I was in a horrorish metal band and my last name is Zombie and I made this other awful horror movie that literally had a character named Dr. Satan in it, let me remake this," and nobody said no, even though they knew he was going to cast his wife in it, and even though we'd all seen her in House of 1000 Corpses and there was no humanly possible way that her acting had improved enough to allow her to be put on film again. Physics is still trying to work out the equations to calculate how much she sucks, but the variable of how her maniacal, brain-shattering laughter throws how much she sucks into wacky, atom-destroying levels is a real kicker, mathematically speaking.

So Sheri Moon aside, the only reason Carpenter's Halloween was a standout -- and you can argue that I'm wrong, but I need you to be comfortable knowing that, to everyone with sense, I am not wrong, and you may have fallen asleep inside a plastic bag at some point to get you to the point where you disagree with me -- the only reason Halloween worked so well was because of the Michael Myers character. Nothing else in the movie, aside from a catchy score, was really a standout. Was Donald Pleasance good? Sure, but not remarkably so. Did people like Jamie Lee Curtis? I guess so, but you didn't see her boobs until Trading Places, years later. But Myers was meant to be evil personified. He wasn't a killer who had been wronged, he wasn't seeking vengeance or profit, he wasn't trying to prove a Saw-like point or haunting the place where he'd been abandoned by negligent teens. He was literally just a big, psychotic prick who defied sense. It was brilliant. It was.

Then Rob Zombie said, "Nah, let's try to figure out why he kills people." And right there he ruined it, and may as well have made literally every other masked killer movie that ever existed. How a horror fan could look at Halloween and not understand why it was different from every other movie and then decide to change that one thing is mind-boggling. The only reason I can come up with is that, when Zombie was writing the screenplay, his wife wouldn't shut up the entire time, and like some kind of crazy sci-fi sonic weapon, the shrill sound nearly liquefied his brain, and by the time he regained his senses, months had passed and he was already half-done shooting the film, with no memory whatsoever of what stupid shit he had already done.

#1. Raisins, Apples and Toothbrushes

What are you, fuckin' new here? No one has ever in the history of all time wanted a box of raisins, and that isn't even limited to Halloween -- it's ever. Do you like raisins? Ironically, even if you answer yes, it's not true. You really don't. Raisins are the food version of sex with someone you're sort of attracted to but not crazy about, and also they have herpes. It's just not a thing with which you want to be involved.

In the exact same despicable bag as raisins are apples and toothbrushes, but at least those have real-world uses beyond Halloween. But on Halloween, an apple is about as generous a treat as spreading your scrotum skin (or labia, for you ladies) out flat on the edge of a table and having a good whack at it with a rubber mallet.

If you're not sure if kids want fruit on Halloween, feel free to find a kid right now and offer him a choice between a chocolate bar and a pear. The kid who picks the pear probably also has a small shrine of animal heads in his closet and holds hugs way longer than is appropriate.

Your toothbrush is just as thoughtless, and the reason should be obvious -- that kid already has a toothbrush. And if he doesn't, then that's really fucked up, and I don't think he's going to use the one you just gave him. But either way, you don't need strangers giving you oral hygiene tools. How does that kid know that you didn't have that brush up your ass all day before you gave it to him? How do you know that I won't do that to your toothbrush if you invite me over? You need one toothbrush at a time, and they last like six months or so, don't they? At least? Fun-sized Kit Kats last three seconds and then you need another one because that shit isn't fun. Give kids candy, don't be a twat.

And that's the end of that, kids. And, on a more personal note, that's the end of Fortey Days and Fortey Nights, at least for now. Ian isn't dead, though; you can follow him on Twitter @IanFortey and find out what he's doing, maybe invite him over for a sandwich. Hide your toothbrush.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Ian Fortey

  • Rss

More by Ian Fortey:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!