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5 Things That Have Almost Destroyed Halloween

Remember when you were a kid and Halloween meant scary costumes, a pantsload of candy and maybe setting a neighbor's car on fire as a prank? Those were good times. The first Halloween costume I can remember having was the Incredible Hulk, only it was a ghetto one with a molded plastic mask and some kind of weird tunic featuring a picture of the Hulk on it, because the Hulk liked to wear autobiographical tunics back then, I guess. You didn't question Lou Ferrigno, because if you did, he'd drink a liter of liquid egg, then punch your sternum so hard that you'd vomit bloody stool.

But Halloween isn't always the beacon of snack-sized Snickers and girls dressed as Kojak with cleavage that it should be. For years, nefarious little shits have been trying to have their way with it and make it awful, because some people just want to watch the world burn.

#5. Jesusween

Jesusween.com

Jesus indeed. I'm no theologian, but I suspect right now that nowhere in the Bible is there a passage denouncing Halloween. And, of somewhat more importance, you should never, ever base your life on rules set out in a book written in a time when people thought the world was flat and the average life expectancy was under 30. Fuckin' 30. Do you think a bunch of 25-year-old elderly people whose greatest achievement so far was taming the horse knew jack shit about jack shit? Of course not.

That said, modern fringe Christians (those Christians who make normal Christians wake up mid facepalm every morning from sleep exasperation) like to believe that Halloween is evil and sinister. Still. In modern day today. Not in Salem 200 years ago. Crazy little dinks.

In order to avoid the seduction of devilry and Twizzlers, some few Christian soldiers have set up Jesusween, the worst-named attempt at stemming the tide of once yearly Satanic sugar rushes ever. So what is Jesusween, and does it have anything to do with Messianic penis, as the name suggests? It's even worse.

According to the site, JesusWeen "is a global initiative to ensure non-Christians receive educational materials about Jesus." Because maybe you have yet to hear about Jesus; he likes to keep shit on the down low. You know how meek and humble Christianity is, historically. If the world's religions had a party, Buddhism would be shirtless on the patio drinking pina coladas, Judaism would be telling self-deprecating jokes near the snacks, Islam would be daring me to finish this joke and Christianity, of course, would have stayed home, because it never wants to bother anyone.

Now in and of itself, Jesusween isn't entirely offensive. If you don't want to celebrate Halloween, no one is making you. But then that's kind of why Jesusween is offensive. Because someone, somewhere, is doing something that these people feel is not Christian and therefore they felt the need to co-opt it and make it about their religion, when Halloween is not about any religion at all. Was it once, a bajillion years ago? Sure. But this Halloween, you go outside and ask any of the kids dressed as Avengers what pagan god they're paying tribute to and see if you get many answers before the police ask you why you're talking to so many strange kids on Halloween.

All you need to know about Jesusween is that the man who started it, a pastor, was upset that Halloween had nothing to do with Jesus. This is like painting a crucifix in your toilet bowl because you don't shit hymnals, or excommunicating your cat for not confessing its sins. Of course it has nothing to do with Jesus, because it has nothing to do with Jesus. Stop being ig'nant.

#4. Trunk-or-Treating

Squidoo.com

Halloween is unsafe -- ask anyone who bubble wraps their children before they get to school. Psychos could be at home right now just packing fudge full of cyanide. They're going to pack that fudge until the 31st and then give it to your kids, and your kids will eat it and then die. It happens every year.

Except, of course, it doesn't. And hasn't. No one has ever been poisoned by a crazy Halloween poisoner in the history of ever. But don't let that stop you from ruining the enjoyable trick-or-treating tradition for your kid by instead having them fish candy out of people's trunks like so many splendid hobos with sticky fingers desperate to get wasted on antifreeze.

Trunk-or-treating is what happens when laziness and paranoia collide in a parking lot. You gather some friends from the neighborhood or the church or your local swingers club and you all park your cars somewhere and the kids go around trick-or-treating from car to car instead of at houses. Give it a few more years and we'll just mail each other boxes of candy for each other's kids, and a few years after that we'll just set up sucrose IVs and dim the lights, call it a night.

The entire innovation of trunk-or-treating seems to be totally oblivious to the point of Halloween and why kids enjoy it, boiling it all down to "fatty want candy" and jamming gummy worms in your kids' cavity-riddled mush holes to shut them up for a night. Kids like getting dressed up, prowling the neighborhood in the dark, seeing other costumes and gathering candy, you dumb shits. It's what kids live for. It's what we all live for!

If you're not clear on the appeal of near-senseless collecting, I invite you to play nearly any computer game invented in the last decade. The task of monotonous gathering with minimal reward -- in the case of Halloween, trolling your neighborhood for SweeTarts -- is a driving force in modern entertainment. Our brains get off on tiny rewards given for tiny effort, no matter how much time it takes. Trunk-or-treating just plops it all in your lap at once to the benefit of only those children who start breathing heavily when they see a hill and ponder the dreadful opposition gravity would impose if they needed to walk up it.

#3. Halloween Bans

WFMY 2 via Godless Wonder

For those who can't replace Halloween with the power of Christ or a trunk full of candy corn, there's just an outright ban on the holiday. Schools are the worst for this, as most of the towns from the movie Footloose that hate all things fun have been wiped from the Earth by Kevin Bacon fans.

It shouldn't be surprising that some schools are willing to ban Halloween activities: Give a school board a long enough timeline and it will find a way to ban everything, including holidays, sports, books, evolution, common sense and maybe even students. If you didn't know better, it would be entirely reasonable to assume that every modern school board was run by a coalition consisting of Mr. Burns, Rumpelstiltskin, Glenn Beck, Cruella De Vil and Joseph Kony. Hey, 'member him? The Internet doesn't.

What reason do schools have for not allowing Halloween activities? The spirit of equity. You see, due to cultural, financial and social differences, it's not fair to celebrate something like Halloween. Take a moment to appreciate the lofty, Jenga-like stack of bullshit that represents; it's impressive. Cultural differences? Because of the diversity of cultures these days, it's not fair to celebrate Halloween. By that logic, it is also not fair to celebrate literally anything. Ever. Especially when you toss in financial concerns. It's best to never acknowledge that a world exists outside the school because it will inevitably relate to something that one of those students doesn't experience at home, and we know it's not OK for kids to ever experience anything that's new. Doesn't that contradict the very idea of learning? Shut up, naysayer, and eat these paint chips until you forget your woes!

A school's idea of equality in this case is based on a perverted version of the Wisdom of Solomon. It's best for no one to have a thing than for anyone to have a thing, because if we're all without, at least we'll all be on the same page when someone starts teaching Creationism.

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Ian Fortey

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