5 Things That Are Totally Unrelated to Hot, Hot Lesbian Sex

Cutting Board

Man, this item has been in my family for generations. Isn't it nice? It's a cutting board. Solid wood. Provides a wonderful surface for chopping and dicing fruits and vegetables. And it's so light-weight, but sturdy. Check out the handle. You can really get a good grip on it for all your culinary needs.

Has Nothing To Do With: Paddling

So bondage and discipline and paddling is a thing, yeah, but, once again, it's not just lesbians who are into that. And besides, what does that have to do with a cutting board? Am I missing something? I mean, by this point in the list I could see if you thought I was gonna use the cutting board to transition into "cutting" during sex. But maybe that's just me because I can't even think about achieving an erection without having some sort of sharp object present. But in any event, yeah, I'm just talking about my cutting board. So, yes, there are lesbians out there who like to spank each other with paddles during sex, yeah whatever. But this is Cracked.com. Grow up.

The Chainsaw of Tongues

I'm not really sure what this thing is or the name of that clandestine kitchen appliance warehouse where I bought it, but it makes one hell of a meat tenderizer. I'll whip it out, rev it up and just let the chainsaw of tongues whack whack whack away to perfectly tenderized meat. And, y'know, after five examples, I'm done proving to you that I'm not talking about sex. At this point, you either believe me or you don't.

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