5Get Drunk for Free
As their carefree masturbation and poop throwing might indicate, monkeys have a naturally relaxed outlook on life. It's no surprise then that they put all but the most boner-inducing members of the human race to shame when it comes to getting drunk for free. In places like St. Kitts, alcoholic monkeys set up shop on the beach near bars and wait for unsuspecting lightweight tourists to just leave their cocktails lying around. The result is you paying $5 for a drink that just got a spider monkey shitfaced. Our male readers may point out that female humans have been known to posses this gift. Of course, they're missing the horrifying price those females have to pay: Rejecting their drunken advances, playing roofie roulette and occasionally waking up next to their drunk asses. Meanwhile, the monkey whose drink you just bought probably got laid too, on your dime.
Totally puts out after two drinksAccording to someone who actually gets monkeys drunk on purpose and calls it research, around 20 percent of monkeys will voluntarily drink enough to get drunk, and some of them will drink until they fall into a coma. Repeatedly. So basically, these monkeys figured out a way to do the exact same thing most humans do when they go away to college, only instead of threatening them with expulsion, the University footed the bill and called it Science.
4Steal Your Shit
Like people, monkeys won't think twice about up and taking your shit without asking. Unlike most people, if you don't hand your iPhone over, they can pull your arms off and beat you with them until you drop it. Monkey thievery is such a commonplace phenomenon that the National Geographic channel felt the need to document it as a TV show. Not prevent them or anything, just film it because it's funny. The show, cleverly named Monkey Thieves, follows a troupe of 60 simian miscreants in Jaipur, India as they steal temple offerings, commit home invasion robbery, beat one another senseless in fights over food and run in a panic from furry men wielding sticks. They're so good at what they do that in Karachi, lazy human thieves have been training monkeys to actually climb in windows and unlock doors from the inside so homes can be looted. Who would you rather have as your partner in crime? A human with whom you have to split the loot down the middle, or a monkey you can probably pay off with some Fruit Roll-ups and Tang. You might think the monkeys are the suckers in this deal, but monkeys think you're badly undervaluing how awesome Fruit Roll-ups are.
Google is rife with personal travel stories of people whose purses, hats, prophylactics and pride were stolen by ravenous Thai monkeys. When you take into account that 80 to 90 percent of macaques in Thailand are infected with simian herpes virus B--or monkey herpes--you start to get an idea of just how damn hard it is to keep a monkey from robbing you. Let's say you had to handicap the odds of a successful robbery, and these were your two competitors: 1). A human, who can be legally shot in self-defense the minute he pulls a gun, and will be easy for any eye witnesses to pick out of a lineup. 2). A monkey, who eye witnesses will only be able to describe as "a monkey... seriously, a goddamn monkey," who can turn anyone who even hesitates to give him their wallet into "that guy who came back from Thailand with monkey herpes." You'd put your money on the monkey every time, no matter how certain you were he was just going to spend it all on whiskey.