#2. Never Assume Women Have the Same Turn-Ons as You
For the most part, men are a pretty easy machine to start. Show us some boobs, and we're good to go. Unfortunately for us, we can't expect any reaction other than laughter or screaming when we just whip out our cocks and exclaim, "It's go time, baby! You're about to take a cruise on the Fuck Boat!" As much as it makes teenage boys and sheltered men throw tantrums, women are far more complicated than that.
Yes, it's true that there are women who do occasionally like a quick, one-night "fuck me like a Prince song" fling, but overall it's safe to say that women take many factors into consideration before giving themselves to a partner. Especially in the relationship setting that we've been talking about. There's attitude, respect, trust, your willingness to listen, communication, foreplay, emotional connection, attention ...
Three bottles of wine.
No, it's not enough to have a good body and a nice car. Even if you're with a woman who's shallow enough to fall for that shit right out of the gates, the longer she's with you, the less all of that superficial bullshit means. And no, contrary to the ratings machines of pop culture television, the average woman doesn't fall for self-centered douchebags who constantly talk about how awesome they look. At least not the ones I've known. Maybe that's something else you could ask our Cracked ladies about in your comments section research.
The truly sad thing is that I know way too many guys who try to wrap their head around those factors that women take into consideration and instantly get pissed off because "I have to do all of that just to get into her pants?!" It's frustrating, because how are we supposed to keep all of that in mind while at the same time trying to appear interesting and charming on a date? And once we're locked into an actual relationship, how are we supposed to keep all of that up?
"Of course I love being with you, honey, look how happy I am."
Here's the crazy thing -- and you'll want to really pay attention here, because it's vital to getting laid: If you're not a piece of shit at heart, and you truly respect her in the first place, you won't even have to try. That's what she's looking for.
#1. Don't Expect Her to Be a Porn Star
This may come as a shock to some of our less-experienced readers, but sex isn't quite like what you see in porn clips. For most people at least. It's hard to keep that in mind when virtually every porn you see has guys slapping asses hard enough to leave hand-shaped welts, people spitting on each other's crotches and men twisting a woman's breasts into a contorted mass that looks like a lesser demon from the Hellraiser movies.
Even something as simple as dirty talk can be a mood killer if you don't know where the line is. That's kind of the point, though: knowing her well enough in a non-sexual sense to know what she does and doesn't like when it comes time to drop a fuck. You can't just bust a "You're my nasty little night elf whore" out of nowhere and expect her to explode in orgasm.
"I hope you're specced for beast mastery. 'Cause this dick ain't gonna tame itself."
That's why you have to be careful with things like Internet porn. Did you know there's such a thing as "overstimulation"? Don't give me that look, this isn't even a debatable topic. It's Psychology 101, and what it means is that your brain adapts to the things that give you pleasure, causing you to seek out more extreme versions of that thing. Overstimulation is indulging in so much of that thing that your brain becomes desensitized to it, and you lose the ability to get excited about it. It's gotten so bad with Internet porn that recent studies are showing that men in their 20s consider erectile dysfunction completely normal for their age group. And here's how too much porn can give you a big ol' case of the flopdick:
You start out watching normal people having normal sex, and it's pretty damn cool. But the more you watch, the more your brain gets used to it. So you start watching more specific videos. Student/teacher sex, bondage, MILFs fucking the vacuum cleaner. When that gets old, you up the ante again and the cycle continues until one day you find that you're unable to get a boner unless you're watching East Brazilian mink farmers having sex with pregnant servants dressed in latex astronaut costumes.
"Yes! I knew if I looked long enough ..."
Now that's not saying that one porn video is going to take away your dragon slayer. Pretty much every sex expert in the world says that watching a porno together is a good way to add some excitement back into a stagnating sex life. It's the habitual use that's bad. That's when regular everyday sex starts to feel bland, and you find yourself asking your partner if she could put on this plastic elephant trunk while you go to your stereo and put "The Humpty Dance" on a loop. And the more you expect her to conform to your every desire, the less you're involving her in the act. You've inadvertently turned her into a warm sack of meat that's only there to facilitate your orgasm.
Her needs and desires get put on the back burner because she's too busy trying to be the impossible fantasy taking place inside your head. No, unlike the porn videos show, not many women were built to handle the 14-inch dildo that's as big around as your forearm. Nor do most of them have a desire to have a cock jammed into the back of their throat until they convulse and try not to puke on your pelvis. That's why the women in those videos get paid to do what they're doing. And it's why many of their moans in those kinds of extreme scenes aren't ones of pleasure.
"No, your 10-inch dick feels great in my ass. Can we maybe speed this along, please?"
The woman you're with wants to please you, because that's how people behave in a relationship. But she doesn't want to do it by becoming something she's not. If she's into that sort of thing, fine. But even then, when she does act out those fantasies, she has to be doing it with you and not for you. Otherwise, they're going to start killing her mood more frequently until she finally has enough and the fantasies are all you have left. But don't take my word for it. The comments section is just a few inches below these words. Ask. Women are just as human as you, and they have no reason to lie. You'll learn more from them than you ever could from me.
For more Cheese, check out 5 Ways You Know It's Time to Get Married and 5 Bits of Advice That Don't Make Sense Until It's Too Late.