5 Things I Can't Believe Websites Are Still Doing
The general consensus is that the Internet went mainstream sometime around 1996. That's important because it means that for a decade and a half, the experts have been spouting off about how "in the future," all businesses will be dependent on connectivity. Well here we are, we've arrived at the future, and even the corner dildo recycler has a website.
Via And many of them have no fucking clue how their audience thinks or acts. Otherwise, why are they still ...
#5. Making Me Create an Account for No Goddamn Reason
How many of you have gone to a retail site, loaded up your cart with a hundred dollars worth of shit and gotten right up to the point of paying when you were blocked by a "you must create an account" sign up page? How many of you said "fuck that" and closed the window?
That's not a rhetorical question -- the answer is 45% of you will just bail out on the purchase, rather than give them an email address, wait for confirmation, click on the confirmation email, etc. When one "unnamed company" decided to finally get rid of that annoying piece of shit and just let customers shop in peace, they found an extra $300,000,000 in sales by the end of the year. In the first month alone, they generated an additional $15,000,000.
Photos.com
"Hey, can one of you clean that up before someone trips and gets hurt?"
For some reason, this pisses me off more than when a site tries to charge for what is free elsewhere -- it's actually nice to think that the girls on bangbus.com are being paid and that there's not just a dude holding a gun on them off camera. Likewise, I have no problem with ads on a website -- we're not running a goddamned charity operation over here. But then you have the businesses that operate under the, "We won't allow you to give us money or traffic until you also create an account with your personal information" business model. That's what needs to die.
Spend a week apartment shopping online and see how many of them don't require it. Many make you sign up before you can even see the listings.
Via Loopnet.com
Wait. I have to pay for the right to shop? I'm the fucking customer! I'm walking in the door with money to spend on a new apartment, and you're going to throw up a barrier to stop me? Don't these places make their money off charging the landlords to list with them? You know, the way advertising has worked since the dawn of civilization? Try to imagine a car dealership putting up a big wall around the lot, with a sign saying browsing their inventory costs 30 fucking dollars. You'd laugh your ass off.
And the thing is, it isn't getting better, it's getting worse. I'm one of a growing number of people who routinely goes without cable service because I don't see the point -- the few shows I watch, I can catch online on my own schedule. That's the way all programming will work in the future, right? And I'm doing it legally -- I watch Gordon Ramsay curse fuck-shaped bruises onto the eardrums of Hell's Kitchen contestants on Fox.com. There are banners all over the page, and ads inserted periodically throughout the video just like in the TV broadcast (three run before the show even starts). I'm fine with that.
Via Fox.com
So when I saw this fucking bullshit, it made me wonder if their executives had ever spent more than two minutes online at any point in their lives. That's a link to a page warning viewers that they've signed a deal with Dish Network so that online episodes will only be "immediately" available to Dish Network customers -- everybody else has to wait eight days. So now if you want to see the episodes online, you'll need to -- you guessed it -- create an account connected to your Dish Network username and password. Which would piss me off even if I had a Dish Network username and password, which I don't.
So... I guess I just can't watch their show any more. I mean, there are absolutely no alternatives for me to see it. It's not like there are, say, thousands upon thousands of websites out there with copies of the show for download, without making you register or log in or pay to see it. I know that those sites don't exist because if they did, they'd be violating copyright laws, and that's illegal. And even if they did exist, they'd be impossible to find. We'd need to invent some sort of way to search them out, like some kind of engine made for searching. And I don't see us having that sort of technology for at least another hundred years.
#4. Hiding the Information I Want Behind Bullshit
Want a fun, hardcore drinking game? Go to a random restaurant's website. Once you're there, follow these rules while browsing it, and when you're finished pass your turn to another person, having them pick another restaurant:
Every time the menu comes in the form of a downloadable pdf file, you have to take a shot. Feel free to modify this rule as you see fit because if you have a lot of restaurants in your area, you'll be dead from alcohol poisoning before midnight.
Via Easybistro.com
Every time you find one that's made in Flash, complete with glitzy animations in between every link, take a drink. Note: if you don't know what Flash is or how to tell if a site is constructed with it, just take a drink, because it is.
Via Pizzaza.com
Every time one of their sites invites you to follow them on Facebook or Twitter, take two drinks and punch the person closest to you in the face. If you're the only one in the room, punch yourself because by now you should be drunk enough that you're actually considering adding the restaurant as a social networking contact.
Via Easybistro.com
Any time you see a welcome message, make one of your friends drink. However, there are special rules for this one. If any of the following words appear in that message, your friend may call it out and you not only take his drink for him, but you take one of your own. If you can, in response, call out another word on the list, give the drinks back to him plus one for the word you found. Repeat this cycle until the words are exhausted or one of you is hospitalized:
Freshest, delectable, ingredients, pride, dessert(s), modern, appetizers, local, fun, exciting, atmosphere, casual, mouth-watering, culinary, pure, quality, taste, hip, experience, and shitless.
Via g2geogeske.com
If you see -- wait, are you still conscious? Guys? Guys?
As this comic from The Oatmeal points out, as does this XKCD, businesses can't seem to figure out that we didn't pass their website on the sidewalk. We got there by typing in the name of the restaurant (or store, or whatever) into the browser because we want to know when they close, or how to get there, or how expensive they are. We do not need to be sold on the concept of food and friends and atmosphere. All this does is make me worry that you're as bad at cooking a steak as you are at making a useful website.
#3. Using Long or Nonsensical Web Addresses
Twitter is 140 characters, text messages are 160. Yet, a link to an ebay auction looks like this:
http://cgi.ebay.com/DONNY-AND-MARIE-OSMOND-SIGNED-AUTO-MAGAZINE-PROGRAM-JSA-/180703996193?_trksid=p4340.m8&_trkparms=algo%3DMW%26its%3DC%26itu%3DUCC%26otn%3D5%26ps%3D63%26clkid%3D1806135911305102056
Via Ebay
It had free shipping, shut up.
That's 200 characters there. And sure, I realize there are technical reasons for that, because the database has to generate a URL every time somebody creates an auction, even though it seems improbable that somebody else already created an auction called "DONNY-AND-MARIE-OSMOND-SIGNED-AUTO-MAGAZINE-PROGRAM-JSA" and even if 200 people had, a layman would think you could just name this one "DONNY-AND-MARIE-OSMOND-SIGNED-AUTO-MAGAZINE-PROGRAM-JSA-201." But whatever.
Then you get news sites like the Wall Street Journal, where if you see an article on Google news you want to share, the addresses look like this:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111903885604576486282598040892.html?mod=googlenews_wsj
So, the articles in their "article" directory need to be designated with two letters and a 41-digit number. That's good, because if the site generates a quadrillion articles a day, that will be enough to keep them in numbers for the next hundred quadrillion millennia. You want to make sure your website URLs will keep you supported well after the heat death of the next universe that replaces this one. Yes, I know about URL shorteners like tinyurl, that will make the address short enough to Tweet. Why the hell is shortening a URL my job?
But even when sites are just choosing domains, they often don't work very hard to make them memorable. I just heard a radio ad urging listeners to attend some community college. The address, which they read on the air, was http://iccbdbsrv.iccb.org/clusters/home.cfm -- or as it's read aloud: "To find out more, visit eye see see bee dee bee ess arr vee dot eye see see bee dot oh arr gee forward slash clusters forward slash home dot see eff em." Even if you're not driving, you would have to be sitting with pen in hand, waiting specifically for that commercial to come on and hope that you didn't confuse any of the Ds, Bs, Vs or Cs -- there are nine pronounced in that ridiculous URL.
Photos.com
"Wait, fuck, I'm running low on ink!"
But even that is not as bad as this mess: https://www.mxyplyzyk.com/v03/index.htm
That's a store. An actual business that sells products. A means of income for some individual or company, reliant on the traffic it gathers and the ability of its customers to find them. So why in the name of unholy assnuts would they name their website that? Did someone eat and then vomit a bowl of alphabet soup ... whatever letters survived the stomach acid made the cut? No, the real reason is actually much stupider than that:
Via Mxyplyzyk.com
Oh. Well that makes much more sen- YOU ARE A STORE! When you're talking to someone, and you speak the address out loud, you should not have to stop yourself and say, "Actually, let me just write it down." The whole point of having a text based URL is that it's easy to remember. The whole point of having a store is to make money. If you can't convey the first, you're not going to be able to achieve the second.
Of course it's not the writer's fault, but...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI'm not the first person to mention this but I had to register for this site to make this comment. Someone below refers to that as, in part, a troll filter. Seems to me like those "recaptcha" things would be adequate troll filter alone, and you could make one appear by the "submit comment" button for everyone who is unregistered/not logged in. Or, you know, whatever. OH MY GOD IM WASTING ALL MY TIME HOW DO I GET OFF THIS INTERHELL :(
you want to post things its different. and Cracked doesn't make money by you commenting completely different then when tryign to complete a purchase.
Plus For Posting comments some of it is legal requirements, so they can pass the buck if they get sued for something you write.
Well yeah its obviously not so important as the stuff in the article. It does make me feel better to know that its possibly for legal reasons
Cracked goes to pretty extreme lengths to keep the community tolerable, and the vast majority of us appreciate it. If you've got time to kill and are actually interested, check out the Hall of Bad Posts in the forums. If you act like a jackass on there, they will lock you out. Granted, the comments are nowhere near as moderated, but most of us like that this place is a lot more civilized than 4chan. Profiles are a big part of that, because it prevents people from just vomiting memes everywhere they look.
Contact Us fields instead of simply providing an email address is another one. Aaaagh
ReplyI always assume that one is because they don't want you to know their email address
I hate all of these. Anyone up for an angry mob?
ReplyAmazon does a variant on #1, funneling users toward the checkout. Once you start the purchase process, you won't find any links to go back a step or return to the store (for example, the top-left corner logo is now just ornamental). Chose the wrong shipping address? Certain items don't qualify for a promotion that you thought you were getting? Vendor's going to ream you on shipping? Don't care, keep moving. Granted, I can get around it simply by going up to the address bar and re-entering the URL, but it's an unnecessary annoyance.
ReplyJohn Kasich suck as governor so it's no surprise the website like his approval rating sucks too.
ReplyI've been looking to build my own custom PC, so naturally the cheapest way to go about that is to buy all the parts online. It takes a long f*****g time to load up an online cart with the computer parts you want (because four different companies make the same part, or the parts have the same name but a slightly different model number, or the website you're buying from doesn't have the exact brand you want, etc). Then I had to repeat the process for four or five different websites because I'm trying to get the best bang for my buck. A few of them wanted me to sign up before I could even look at my sub-total. Boom, they lost my business. Another wanted me to sign up to see my total with taxes. f**k you, I'm out. Only two websites let me completely compile my cart and see the full price before needing to create an account to pay (which is fine, I'm willing to create an account to let them have my credit card information). I'm only building a budget gaming PC so most of my prices fell within the $650-$800 price range, but think about that. Four websites lost my seven hundred dollars because they wanted me to create an account before showing me my full price. There's people out there with thousands of dollars they want to burn on computers who will do the exact same thing I did. Computer websites, out of any business website, should know better than this.
ReplyRead this a couple weeks ago. Wanted to post a comment, but had to sign up for a Cracked account to do so.
ReplyBut that's just a BS filter to keep out the trolls to a certain extent.
How about, restricting a web site access on a country basis? Like: "This Web Site or option isn't available in your country". This part should come next: "Oh, by the way, f**k you and the shithole you live in" I mean, Really? What, it's not going to be called the WORLD WIDE Web anymore? To me, determining the country you are in based on the IP address looks like something Satan himself invented.
ReplyWell, just like John Cheese said, it's not like there are no other options, and they shouldn't prosecute me for copyright infringement, after all, How are they going to find me in this god-forsaken dark corner of the world I am right now?
Oi... #4 reminds me of the university I just got into... "Hey! Let's find out what clubs they have! Let's go to their website!" And all I get is a bunch of crap trying to convince me to GO THERE. If I'm IN already, can I get a bullshit-skipping password or something???
ReplyPS. It's a tech school. I'll just let that sink in a bit.
This article is wrong. Google actually has an engine that makes it easy to search for other websites. It's still in beta now but it could be available for everyone to use in less than 8 years, not the ridiculous 100 year figure quoted in the article.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYeah, I could be wrong here, but I'm pretty sure they were using what the kids are calling "sarcasm".
Dude, you're a special kind of stupid, aren't you?
MadJester and KattoTang, I believe Charity was also being sarcastic
Who cares boxieblue that was hilarious!
You do realize that, with the back button thing, you can hold down on your back space and wait for the short history to pop up and click to the site you want to get to from there right? Little easier than completely restarting - provided it's not a page that auto-refreshes every 5 seconds.
ReplyTrue. All of which makes it zero percent less annoying, nevertheless.
I always just type in a quick url. It's faster than going back and I have google chrome so i never actually have to type a full url which is nice cuz I'm lazy
#2 Bank of America requires you to send a physical letter to them specifying that you'd like to close your account and how you'd like them to send your remaining balance. Really.
ReplyFrom BoA's website: "Use the following letter to notify your former bank that you are closing your account and would like to receive a check for any remaining balance. If you have an account at more than one financial institution, complete a letter for each. Simply enter your information in the fields, print your letter and mail to your former bank. It may take up to six weeks for your request to be processed. "
Actually, I don't really consider this unreasonable since that one falls under "for your own protection." Would you want some random hacker a*****e to be able to close your account and get your money without that extra "do you really mean it?" step? I wouldn't want my bank to accept that sort of thing online either. In fact, I think I'd really want them to make me show up in person if a certain amount of money were involved.
However, the six weeks processing part IS totally unreasonable.
Know what I hate about some websites - when they split every article into two pages so they can double the revenue they make off of ad impressions.
ReplyBut of course to the layman it's because the page would be too long and thus run out of virtual paper.
I see what you did there.
That said, there are times when it makes sense to split things into different pages - when it comes to comments for example. Otherwise you'd end up with a never ending [metaphorically] scroll bar.
Good grief, you're both right! Can you imagine if some site managed to get it /backwards/, and commit both of these errors at once? Why, it'd be madness! Utter, stark-raving ma—er, crackedness!
#6: Having to create an account just to post a comment.
ReplyIt's so they can remove them or ban you.
like they will do for that comment
(que evil laughter from Cracked HQ)
I never actually minded the back button thing. You can just right click the back button and go back two pages anyway. It barely takes half a second. I mean, yes, it's poor design, but there are worse things out there.
ReplyThis article is awesome. It should be required reading for anyone doing company web design.
Reply#6 - Disabling right-click. No, I'm not trying to steal your stupid images. I just want to open the link in a new tab or highlight something and run a Google search! #%^*@&$
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYes I agree!! I HATE the disable right click. I copy and paste text all the time, or try to right click a link to open a new menu, so I agree
And you can still steal the images by going to tools->page info->media and finding the picture there (in Firefox, I'm sure you can do it in other browsers, I just don't know how). It's just another case of making things more difficult for everybody except the people using it incorrectly.
what are this right clicks of which you speak?
isn't the whole internet on a Mac now?
Number 6: Stretching an article with five points over two pages when one would do the job. Cracked's almost as bad as those sites that make you click the damn slideshow for every entry on their lists.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI've thought the same thing. And in some cases they DO have the them all on one page...so why on some and not others?
It would result on a ( metaphorically) infinite scroll bar when the length of the article is combined with the length of the comment section
so take out half of the comment section and have people click on "more comments" if they want to read them. You can make the comments a seperate page or tab
re #2 : I do chat support for a website that sells stuff. I also do phone and email support. I'm located in the USA, not india. Why aren't we open 24/7? Because they don't want to pay people to do that. It sucks, but that's how it rolls.
Replythere ought to be some kind of web browser setting that let's you turn off their ability to prevent you from leaving their site. There probably is, but most people just don't know how to use it.
Reply