#2. Nice Guys Are Sensitive, and C'mon, You Don't Really Want That
A lifetime of romantic fantasizing has rendered your nice guy capable of some pretty terrific romantic gestures. I once fist-fought a legion of demons (I won) for the love of a good woman (I lost). Other grand displays I have made to woo hearts include:
Sony/BMG can't believe the cash cow this has become
The secret to both rickrolling and romance is mixing surprise with banality.
So if I can have a solid week like that, there's no reason why your nice friend can't summon one or two great displays of devotion. He may start out with clumsy romantic surprises, like holding a stereo up to your window or quitting his job to build a future with you in another city, but if you cry enough times in front of him, he'll get really scared and up his game.
For your happiness. Jeez, it's not all creepy ulterior motives.
It's the same reason poor people make delicious recipes out of the worst parts of the animal: This is all we have, so we'd better make it great. I'm not saying you're the pig snout of dames; I'm saying hunger taught us not to waste an opportunity. Also, you specifically are the pig snout of dames. But that was coincidental.
But hey, pig snout is cute and tender! Much like your vagina, which is where we come to the problem: Nice guys are often as sensitive physically as they are emotionally.
Nice guys can be pretty selfless. They're excited to be with you. Maybe too excited. Many people's first sexual experience is shorter than the 100m dash. If you pour over that a mental cocktail of nice guy traits, you're talking about the most attentive, caring four seconds of your life. And I should know: I've hidden enough cameras in cheap motels to watch a variety of hook-ups. But enough about the only way I can get angry enough to achieve orgasm. You're going to cure a dude's mental sensitivity by eliminating his physical one. Here's how to bypass your guy's attention to -- and excitement at -- your pleasure.
First, admit that the problem is you: Stop enjoying sex. If you can't do this, at least fix your deliriously silky vagina; coat it in stucco to bring a classic Mediterranean flair to the place. In a few weeks' time, your guy should have an impressive callous on what's left of his penis, and no interest in sex whatsoever. Problem solved!
Getty gets the symbolism
It really shouldn't be that purple. Consult a doctor immediately!
Or is it? If not, try staying silent in bed. Many women make encouraging noises during sex, such as "Oh," or "Aah," or weeping for their fiance who died at sea. That's very helpful, but at this stage, you're better off smashing his enthusiasm. Gaze deeply into his eyes as he enters you the first time, and laugh at him.
You can also wait until he's near orgasm, thump him on the back, and cackle "THAR SHE BLOWS!!!!" This is especially effective if your fiance died on a whaling expedition.
If none of that helps, many men think about baseball to delay orgasm; when you're talking dirty in bed, narrate that hot action in your naughtiest Don Orsillo voice.
Using these techniques, I developed my frightened 2.7-inch Catholic penis into a roaring 3.1416-inch engine of hellbound pleasure. Now I do lots of sex, and very rarely cry afterward.
#1. Nice Guys Keep Learning
Now for the good news ... if kindness is its own reward, your guy will turn out OK. Or life will strip him of everything he ever invested himself in. But hey, if that happens, at least you can point to the breaking news bulletin and say "I know that dude!"
Sadly for your fame-bragging rights, he is much more likely to keep learning and improving his endgame strategies for making you happy.
They want to impress you as much as you awe them. Many times in a day, a nice guy asks himself, "I wonder if that dame knows how great that dame is." Then he gets hit by a bus. Ho-ho! Didn't see that coming, did you? That'll teach you to be all-consumingly beautiful.
Life, aye, that's a hard game, full of rough surprises. You've got to roll with the punches, unless they're coming from your jerk boyfriend, in which case, don't stand there taking punches! Get out of there! Find a nice guy to treat you right. But if these punches are metaphorical, dish some out to toughen your nice guy up.
In fact, adversity is a catalyst to greatness. Help him along by making life terrible for him, won't you?
Let me tell you a story about a young asthmatic whose doctor told him he had a serious heart condition (presumably: too much of it). The 19th century doctor said, "Asthmatic, you must in every circumstance eschew stressuation of the heartular organ. I recommend gnawing a cold sheep's liver each day. "
The young dandy thought about this, and elected instead to embrace stress, losing his mother and wife on the same day, leaving him with a two-day-old child and nothing else to lose.
That man ... was Teddy Roosevelt (although he hated to be called Teddy, because it reminded him of his lost Alice).
Attaboy, Roosie! Now you are invincible!
Do you see how all the stress attending the first five values funneled into manly fury at the universe itself? You can bet that when Roosevelt got to the pearly gates, he hollered for God to come out and take His licks for stealing what didn't belong to Him. My advice to you is to do what TR's second wife and childhood playmate, Edith Carrow, did:
1) Mark a nice guy early on. Prowl your school's chess club, computer lab, and all the sports that nobody makes any money playing in the real world.
2) If you're out of school, try church fundraisers or yoga studios or-or-oh God, it's too late, isn't it? You're 34! Why did you wait so long? Our mothers told us we could have it all, but we were fools! FOOOOLS!
3) Subtly manipulate the most beautiful, sunny girl in the world into falling in love with him. Let her do the grunt work for the next five years via the tips above.
4) On their anniversary (Valentine's Day), kill her.
5) And his ma for good measure, see?
6) Better run over his dog, too. You don't want to risk leaving him any hope now that your soul's damned.
7) Do this near an untamed wilderness, where he may escape to punish nature and pursue criminals.
8) When his rage is expurgated, he will emerge from the shrubbery. Be there to remind him he once was gentle.
Circle complete! Follow these tips and I guarantee you will find yourself the proud owner of a manly champion -- a right gentleman and bastard. Yet when he comes home to be his true and tender self, he is a man who belongs only to you. And though a titan conquer the world, he doth so only to make a better surrender to thy heart.
And isn't lending a twerp half your power only to see him collect all the glory what happiness is truly about? Because if it's not, John Edwards owes his wife a very serious apology.
For more from Brendan, check out 5 Ways the '90s Made Us Strong and Understanding Lazy Eye, Other Parts of Kristen Bell.