2010 has seen the return of two things from the 90's that no one expected: Soundgarden and Faith No More. And while these were two of my all time favorite bands, the news of their reunions has left me less than enthused. Maybe it’s because they’re not releasing any new material so watching them now promises to be only marginally more exciting than checking in with Kurt Cobain. Or maybe it’s because their return was so unexpected, it's left me reeling with uncertainty. I mean, what else from the 90's will return? Here are five fearless predictions:
Back in the mid 90’s a bunch of ladies saw the success of Lollapalooza and decided to show the world that sisters could do it for themselves. Soon a group of somewhat talented artists banded together united only by their one hit wonder status and lack of a penis. Shawn Colvin, Meredith Brooks, Paula Cole, and others. (I’d include Sarah McLachlan, but she’s had more than one hit and that would ruin my wild generalization. Also, she never replied after I wrote that letter about kissing her so hard, so I’m just going to assume she actually does have a penis.)
Well in 2010, Lillith Fair will return with a vengeance. And not with Lady Gaga and Ke$ha flying the grrl-power banner. No, instead, our old friends will take to the stage with new anthems like Brooks’s “I’m a Bitch (Just Like This Menopause); Colvin’s “Sonny Never Visits Anymore;” and Paula Cole’s “Piss Off Gladstone, I Had Two Hits.” The feisty music-loving college girls of the 90s will now be able to purchase tickets at Starbucks, Talbots, and, of course, Gymboree.
I hesitate to go here because after the Lillith Fair cracks I’d hate to be misunderstood as a misogynist. But being misunderstood is what writing for the internet is all about. It’s like a big game of “Telephone” that you play only with your deaf friends. Who are also neurologically impaired. So here goes. I know it may come as a surprise to you 21st century boys and girls, but women were different in the 90’s. This was before Sex and the City feminism took hold. Today, women hold onto the false delusion that they can empower themselves by tweeting frankly about how much they enjoy oral sex. Where a frattish mentality of getting drunk and laid is somehow akin to saying, “I’m a woman and I will not be denied !” Now, of course that’s wrong-headed and false, but men don’t typically try to dispel that notion because, well why would we dissuade you from talking about oral sex? It’s much easier for dudes to say, “Yes, you’re an independent woman. Now finish your beer and do that thing I like with the thing.”
But back in the 90’s, it was a different scene. Intelligent, sexual women across the land (or at least at my University) wanted to run with the wolves while reading Naomi Wolfe’sBeauty Myth. They couldn’t put on make up or shave their legs without asking, “Why am I doing this; are these the tools of my oppression; and how does Gladstone get so dreamy?” I don’t have the stats to prove this, but in the 90’s fewer asses got spanked during sex then any decade in modern history. The 69 rose in prominence as the only accepted egalitarian form of oral sex. And for the first time in history, a frank dialogue about the magic and glory of the menses was considered foreplay.
Well, get ready, because in 2010, it’s all coming back. Sex and the City 2 will hit theaters and suddenly women will react in horror at the lifeless shell Carrie Bradshaw has become. Soon Ani DiFranco records will start to sell again and French maid outfits will be returned in record numbers. Your free ride is over fellas. Time to grow a pony tail and get some Indigo Girls records.
Historians tell us that for a brief six week period in the fall of 1991, it was actually considered somewhat witty and/or clever to say “thanks for sharing” or “too much information” when confronted with unwanted details from another’s personal life. We may never know why humor was ascribed to these phrases, but all our best data tells us it’s true. Indeed, even today, there are still clusters of humorless conversation trolls who feel empowered by using these phrases as if they were magical incantations, instantly transforming the speaker into a person more important than the addressee. They have no idea that every self-respecting human stopped saying this shortly before the start of the Clinton administration.
Well they’re in luck. In 2010, a void will form in our language and welcome the unfortunate return of these phrases. Why? Because in 2010 “Fail” will finally leave the vernacular. (Incidentally, “meh” will hold tight for another five years.) Soon, millions of the worst people in the world will be unsure what to say when being exposed to unexpected, unwanted information. And that’s when the TMI jargon returns. Some of you may be doubting this prediction. How does it make sense to reply “thanks for sharing” to a youtube video you don’t approve of? Well , in truth, it makes no sense. But then again, it was never really logical to say “too much information” to your co-worker when he was trying to open up to you about the death of his mother either.
Did you misread that? Not Goatse. That’s a 21st century creation. No, I said “goatee” – that tiny beard circling one’s mouth that --much like Goatse-- actually does conjure thoughts of a-holes. But in the 90’s it was part of the standard uniform. It’s hard to believe, but just over a decade ago, this incomplete facial hair formation, could actually increase a guy’s chances of having sex – especially when coupled with long hair. It was a look that said, “Hey world, I don’t have a beard. I’m not clean-shaven either. You can’t define me with your boring rules. “ And seriously what’s sexier than that?
In 2010, the goatee comes back stronger than ever. Why? Because of this column. The power of the internet, baby. Tomorrow morning, every guy who’s read this will stare in his bathroom mirror overcome by a certain sensation. “Good lord, Gladstone’s onto something! What if the ladies couldn’t see the skin immediately around my mouth? What if it appeared from the proper distance that I had a cinnamon donut stuck to my face? Good lord, how much tail would that get me?” You may doubt it now, but it's already in play. You’re already on your way. Congratulations, sexy!
In fact, I just started a facebook group called “Goatees for 2010” to get this baby going. If the group gets, over 100 members with pics posted, I promise to post too.
(I understand it will take a few days to get the facial hair in place). I will also do my best to get the other Cracked columnists to do so – understanding, of course that Daniel O’Brien and Michael Swaim may lack the testerone-based fortitude to achieve such things.
Hey remember one of the worst sitcoms ever? No? Why? Because you were 5? Oh. Well what about syndication? Yes, I’m talking about Full House. That show about a Jewish guy who was somehow named Tanner and not actually Jewish who had to raise two baby troll dolls after his wife died. Thinking fast, he recruits John Stamos and Dave Coulier to help out. The show ran from 1987 to 1995 and I imagine it sucked the entire length of that time, but truth be told, I’m not sure I ever saw a full episode.
In any event, in 2010, Full House returns. Not a remake. All the same actors return in modern day. The make-shift family will reunite to help the Olson twins deal with their eating disorders. Bob Saget, once known for being funny and one of the dirtiest stand ups prior to Full House, will now drop F bombs non stop. And Dave Coulier’s catch phrase will be “Hey, y’know Alanis Morrissette was totally talking about going down on me in that theater.” Don’t believe me? Doesn’t sound right for TV? What if I told you the cast did the whole show in black face and it was called Tyler Perry’s Full House of Payne? Yep. Believe it. Enjoy your 2010, guys.
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