2010 has seen the return of two things from the 90's that no one expected: Soundgarden and Faith No More. And while these were two of my all time favorite bands, the news of their reunions has left me less than enthused. Maybe it’s because they’re not releasing any new material so watching them now promises to be only marginally more exciting than checking in with Kurt Cobain. Or maybe it’s because their return was so unexpected, it's left me reeling with uncertainty. I mean, what else from the 90's will return? Here are five fearless predictions:
1. Lilith Fair
Back in the mid 90’s a bunch of ladies saw the success of Lollapalooza and decided to show the world that sisters could do it for themselves. Soon a group of somewhat talented artists banded together united only by their one hit wonder status and lack of a penis. Shawn Colvin, Meredith Brooks, Paula Cole, and others. (I’d include Sarah McLachlan, but she’s had more than one hit and that would ruin my wild generalization. Also, she never replied after I wrote that letter about kissing her so hard, so I’m just going to assume she actually does have a penis.)
Well in 2010, Lillith Fair will return with a vengeance. And not with Lady Gaga and Ke$ha flying the grrl-power banner. No, instead, our old friends will take to the stage with new anthems like Brooks’s “I’m a Bitch (Just Like This Menopause); Colvin’s “Sonny Never Visits Anymore;” and Paula Cole’s “Piss Off Gladstone, I Had Two Hits.” The feisty music-loving college girls of the 90s will now be able to purchase tickets at Starbucks, Talbots, and, of course, Gymboree.
2. Bad Sex
I hesitate to go here because after the Lillith Fair cracks I’d hate to be misunderstood as a misogynist. But being misunderstood is what writing for the internet is all about. It’s like a big game of “Telephone” that you play only with your deaf friends. Who are also neurologically impaired. So here goes. I know it may come as a surprise to you 21st century boys and girls, but women were different in the 90’s. This was before Sex and the City feminism took hold. Today, women hold onto the false delusion that they can empower themselves by tweeting frankly about how much they enjoy oral sex. Where a frattish mentality of getting drunk and laid is somehow akin to saying, “I’m a woman and I will not be denied !” Now, of course that’s wrong-headed and false, but men don’t typically try to dispel that notion because, well why would we dissuade you from talking about oral sex? It’s much easier for dudes to say, “Yes, you’re an independent woman. Now finish your beer and do that thing I like with the thing.”
But back in the 90’s, it was a different scene. Intelligent, sexual women across the land (or at least at my University) wanted to run with the wolves while reading Naomi Wolfe’s Beauty Myth. They couldn’t put on make up or shave their legs without asking, “Why am I doing this; are these the tools of my oppression; and how does Gladstone get so dreamy?” I don’t have the stats to prove this, but in the 90’s fewer asses got spanked during sex then any decade in modern history. The 69 rose in prominence as the only accepted egalitarian form of oral sex. And for the first time in history, a frank dialogue about the magic and glory of the menses was considered foreplay.
Well, get ready, because in 2010, it’s all coming back. Sex and the City 2 will hit theaters and suddenly women will react in horror at the lifeless shell Carrie Bradshaw has become. Soon Ani DiFranco records will start to sell again and French maid outfits will be returned in record numbers. Your free ride is over fellas. Time to grow a pony tail and get some Indigo Girls records.
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